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  ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: E!'S TED CASABLANCA.  
   
   
 

It's great when we get a good old fashioned celebrity gossip dog to participate in the RAAHP. And this week, we've got one of the most regal hounds: E!'s Ted Casablanca, the journalistic equivalent of an Alaskan Malamute. Or a short-haired collie. His Awful Truth column can be seen on E!'s website, and he's on television and shit, mouthing off about all the celebrity dirt with a tactful grace and aplomb. But could such a prance-y little doggy with a shrieking dye-job dip his sass in the smoldering drek that is RAAHP? You'd be surprised.

So, put on your best Capri pants and sandals and get ready to do the electric slide. Boogie-oogie-oogie, motherfuckers -- it's Ted Casablanca.

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BT: Now, when you get a good piece of gossip how do you rejoice? Do you give two snaps? Or do you yelp? I bet you high-five yourself.

TC: No, I just finger my pussy. Discreetly, of course.

BT: Was there ever a time when you felt really, really bad about gossiping about someone? And why all the blind items? Can you ever do a blind item about a blind person, or does that like screw up the gossip karma? What if you found out Stevie Wonder liked to be tied to a fire hydrant and have dogs pee on him to get off? Would you just report that, or would you do a blind item?

TC: I sleep great. No regrets. Never. Blind items are fucking fun, dude, get with it. I would be happy to write a blind on a blind. Got one?

BT: You ever been sued?

TC: No, knock on Jennifer Garner's head.

BT: Now, I asked Musto this when he ran through this little exercise, but he wouldn't tell me and I'm sure you would know better: Does Jules Asner have kankles?

TC: Missus Soderbergh has exactly what she wants.

BT: Yeah. Kankles. When was the last time you kissed a chick?

TC: With or without tongue? I actually miss vaginal sex (obviously, I like vaginas). So much easier, ya know? Otherwise, douche the damn hole, get the damn rubber, get the lube, keep the dirty talk goin', whew!

BT: Would you rather play Cindy Adams knockers like the bongos or swing on Ed Begley, Jr.'s dong like a vine?

TC: Tough call. I like 'em butch, so Cindy's very attractive to me, but, hell, she's almost as old as I am. Ed's a hairy environmental dude, so he wins.

BT: Hey, I've heard that Ed Begley, Jr. has an enormous dong. That seems impossible to me. James Woods, Tommy Lee, Portia di Rossi -- those guys I can see having giant members. But Ed Begley, Jr.? Come on. That's not true, is it? And while we're outing dudes with big dongs, let's save give some ink to the little guys. I'm guessing Brad Pitt is hung like an Asian.

TC: You seem awfully dong-centric. What's that about? Why doesn't anybody obsess about vaginas anymore? Now, that's impressive: a guy who knows how to use his pussy. Bet Ed does. And Brad sure will by the time Angelina's done with him.

BT: Which Hollywood superstar's career do you see falling apart next year? Like, who is going to be doing straight to video, Cinemax kind of crap in the near future, and they don't even know it yet?

TC: Tom Cruise isn't doing himself any favors right now.

BT: What?? He's in love! He's in love! What's your daily routine like? Do you wake up and start making phone calls, or do you start reading newspapers and then start making phone calls? Or do you have some little assistant named Tito do all of the busy work, and then you just take all the credit for it?

TC: Coffee. Vats of it. Papers. Then vats of emails. Then calls. Tito doesn't arrive til after 11.

BT: Who in Hollywood do you think has waaaaay too high an opinion of themselves? (And don't say everyone, you turd.)

TC: That prick up in Sacramento.

BT: Who do you think will be the first in Hollywood to out themselves? It's gotta be Kevin Spacey. I mean, I'm convinced every person in New York has a friend who knows somebody whose been hit on by Kevin Spacey.

TC: You gotta be kidding. He'll be the last one, guaranteed. Do you mean male? 'Cause the gals are already doing it, save Heche. My vote's on the small-screen.

BT: What do you think gossip reporters do wrong? You've been doing this a long time, but you know there are a lot of young bucks out there trying to scrape together some kind of street cred in this racket. Do you feel threatened?

TC: No. I like the company. Though I get bored with the pious 'tudes sometimes, as if queens who screw other queens but don't give a quote to the rags about it are somehow the epitome of evil. These are actors, already. Not heads of state.

BT: Have you ever sat on something out of courtesy to an agent or a publicist or a friend, and then had it come back and bite you in the ass? Like, can you ever jeopardize your career by being tactful and patient?

TC: You have to choose your battles, protect the sources who protect you. Sometimes that means going easy where others attack. And vice versa. Though I rarely attack. I don't have an agenda. I think people who do are rarely consistently good sources of info.

BT: How do you feel about Grape Nuts? I love that shit.

TC: Lost my taste for them after I heard what Ashton Kutcher likes to do with them.

BT: Aha! Wait, I have no idea what that means.

 

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