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  ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: LOS ANGELES TIMES' JOEL STEIN.  
   
   
 

Joel Stein writes for the Los Angeles Times about Hollywood. He was s a staff writer for Time. He appears on all of those dopey VH-1 shows and annoys the crap out of people with his vast knowledge of Coolio. He is also a regular contributor to Professor Barnhardt's Journal. Seriously.

Big Joel Stein also loves it when people make fun of him. Why? Because he's a "humor" writer, and he realizes that it's much more beneficial to be self-deprecating and have humility in this business than fight lonely battles with Web hacks. That also means he's a shitty candidate for Rock and a Hard Place because he tries to give funny answers to questions that don't need to be funny. Seriously, just answer the grandma raping question and move on, Joel. Christ.

Alas, he's here. Joel Stein is here, ladies and homos, in all of his white-guy-romantic-comedy-clichéd glory. So, let's roll down the street, smoke some endo, and sip on some gin and Joel.

(Mind on my money, money on the Stein.)

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So, do you think it's tough being a 30-something humor writer whose humor only appeals to suburban mothers over the age of 50?

I wish. At least they're legal. I write at a 15-year-old reading level. Few of my readers have graduated high school yet.

When you worked at Time did you ever know who the Man of the Year was before it came out? Did they make you sign a waiver like those Survivor people?

They told us on Friday night, though we all knew for weeks since our friends were writing the stories for months and it became obvious which were the big profiles the editors were stressing them over. It wasn't as nearly as important as who won Survivor.

Now when you worked for Time, did you actually read it? I've tried to on many occasions, but then I just gave up because I have no idea where the fuck the Gaza Strip is. (I'm kidding. I know it's in Egypt. Duh.)

I'd read the whole thing the first few years I worked there, and then eventually I was just reading the comics and the crossword puzzle.

Why Nikki Finke gotta front, yo?

I wish to God I called her back after we slept together. I deserve it all.

Would you rather do a shot of Nikki Finke's pussy juice or get a tattoo of a giant pig on your back?

Tattoos hurt. Nikki only hurts in a good way.

So, that HBO shit you do where you talk in the phone booth to celebrities … do you want to hang yourself after you do those segments?

I gave up feeling bad about selling out long ago. I'm looking to buy in. The worst part is, I ask all these obnoxious Stuttering John questions on the phone so I'm afraid they'll hang up on me. Then HBO cuts it so I look like a kiss-up. Plus, they bumped me to Cinemax. I thought I'd meet those naked women that way, but no luck.

What's the 43rd Most Awesomely Bad Celebrity Moment, and do you really fucking care?

No. But I imagine it hurt at the time. You forget so you can do it again. Like giving birth.

Hey, that cartoon show they did about you -- what happened?

It sucked. So they showed it in Canada. Really.

Do you think you'll cry when Dave Barry dies?

I'll be really sad. I interviewed him in college and then again at Time. I realized I'd never be as funny as him, so I instead try to be smarter. That's easy.

Aw. Anyway, would you rather stab Dave Barry in the neck 16 times with a plastic fork until he has a seizure or stomp a nest full of baby rabbits with your bare feet?

Stomping baby rabbits? That sounds awesome. Like soft and warm at the same time. Stabbing Dave Barry just sounds boring. Just kidding!

Do you think having success at such a young age helped or hurt your career?

Helped. It made me stop thinking that it would make me happy. I feel like I could blow it all now and still be satisfied. That's why I write like I do now. Lazy.

What do you think of Oddjack?

Is that a gambling site? I'm like 100 years old now.

Which celebrity was the most horrible toward you the first time you met them?

Does on the phone count? I'd go either Sharon Stone or Sandra Bernhardt. Probably Sharon Stone.

She's a dirty lizard whore! You ever get to bang a chick sideways because she was a fan of your column? You know, like a Joel Stein groupie. I believe they're called Steiniacs. Is it the Stein-en-grad?

No. And I'm bummed about it. First of all, I've been with the same woman for eight years. Second, my readers are all underage, and that's the one fetish I don't have. Third, no one gets turned on by newspaper columns. Except Mrs. Barry. And she's taken. For now.

You gaywad.

 

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