back to the Black Table

Like a rum and coke, tomorrow's hangover is a two-part poison. Science says that drunken benders directly cause toxicity and dehydration, which collaborate to make you call in sick. According to Internet renowned gastroenterologist, Dr. Anil Minocha, a hangover can involve several irritable symptoms. Headaches, nausea, shakes, and waking up in New Jersey all come to mind, but according to experts these after effects can be avoided.

Abstinence isn't really an option. So unless you're going to completely hold back, don't bother dabbling in moderation. The average number of drinks that causes hangover symptoms is 3.2, so you might as well have ten or fifteen. Just be sure to map out your trip before takeoff.

There have been pain-numbing elixirs since the dawn of morning sickness, but none as worthwhile as those in the Black Table pantry. Grab your grocery list and back away from the water cooler, because the days of peanut butter and Poland Spring are as long gone as your memories from last night.

P.R. Pound Cake

1 - Ding Dong
2 - Ho-Ho's
1 - Cup Cakes
3 - Twinkies
1 - Quart of Milk

A favorite amongst Harlem forty-guzzlers of Latin heritage in my local bodega, "Puerto Rican Pound Cake" combines a number of remedies into one stomach soothing solution. Drinkers know about the benefits of milky coats and bread-filled bellies, but this is the tastiest way to hold booze back from the bloodstream and take some heat off your liver. The process is simple, as you just have to chase your cocktails with some coffee cakes con leche. Be sure to let the sweet tooth in your life know about this preemptive measure, but try something else on your diabetic cousin who set sail with Captain Morgan.

Hormonal Helper

2 - Tablets of Midol
1 - Large Gatorade

This one really works, which makes sense if you consider what the ingredients are typically used for. Take Gatorade, the lifeblood of the professional sports world, and Midol, the medicine that helps women play hard between periods. No different from a case of cramps, a hangover is a series of dramatic changes in hormonal balance and various biological substances. Hence, the effectiveness of this inexpensive morning after pill. Women may already know about this, but guys should start sifting through those bathroom cabinets right away. If she's got an extra pair, then you're in luck, but if she's down to her last two, then you're much better off with the headache.

IV Feeling Better

1 - Clean Syringe
1 - Adjustable Belt
1 - 1,000cc Bag of Saline Solution
1 - Wicked Hangover

Get over it. If you were a junkie you wouldn't care so much about getting sober. Anyone with a friend who works in a hospital can make this happen, provided they take appropriate precautions and research the best way to shoot up. Enough saline fully restores your blood sugar and essential minerals, all of which get depleted as drinks get pounded. This remedy doesn't just make you feel like a million bucks; it makes you feel like someone who if given a million bucks, would spend every last dime on Cuervo and Coronas so long as there was a nurse and needle at the end of the funnel. This isn't recommended for a happy hour buzz or a red wine brain throb. Intravenous hangover remedies should only be used in extreme cases, or on those who have a fearless dedication to inebriation.

Powder Power

1 - Teaspoon of Bifidus Powder
1 - Place where you can actually buy Bifidus Powder
1 - Sip of Water

Since the only thing people seem to be super-sizing these days is their protein intakes, it's important to include a solution that doesn't involve junk food or track marks. At forty bucks a pound, Bifidus is expensive, but the kick step it will add to your drunken morning stride is priceless. One vat will last months, given you're an average degenerate who doesn't sniff any powder in reach after a few drinks. explains this herbal miracle as the "friendly bacteria that detoxifies the digestive byproducts that cause hangovers." It's certainly one of the safest prescriptions around, and one that is sure to catch on with those who sip sidecars and practice Tai Chi in the park.

The Bees Knees

1 - Large Jar of Honey
1 - Wooden Honey Comb
1 - Heimlich Maneuver

This trick tackles the dilemma of what to do about the physical demand for more drugs as a result of heavy drinking. As the person in your office who sucks on Altoids at nine a.m. can tell you, hard core alcoholics take a morning shot of liquor called an eye-opener, which is just enough to quell the urge. The potassium in honey does just that, and simultaneously puts the pedal to the metabolism process. This will help you achieve neurobiological balance, which means you'll be able to get off your couch AND change the channel. Take two to six teaspoons every twenty minutes until you feel better, or until you choke on the two to six teaspoons of honey lodged in your throat.

Liv.52 Pick Up

1 - Visa card with $16.95 worth of credit
1 - Computer with Internet
1 - visit to

Flush those artificial hangover pills down the toilet with last night's dinner. There's an old medicine on the shelf, and it's been helping Hepatitis patients for years. While it may not be the best nightstand prop to help get you laid, Liv.52 is a well-researched and tested support product for the organ that you primarily litter with the bottle. It goes head to head with acetaldehydes, and prevents alcohol's most dangerous byproduct from drastically diffusing your brain waves and impairing neuromuscular performance. Keep a stash out of sight from guests and you'll be in good shape.

Hippie Tested, Steve Miller Approved

1 - Gram of Marijuana (that costs at least twenty bucks)
1 - Leaf of Rolling Paper
2 - Gallons of Water
1 - Trip to Taco Bell

Anything but the best smoke is risky for a blunted breakfast, particularly if you're not one who generally hits the hooch. The most enjoyable remedy of all, as well one that is widely embraced across collegiate America, is actually the toughest to find on grocery store shelves. Though it's been tested by billions of people around the world as a hangover helper, the correlation remains scientifically unproven. Intuition says that it puts you under long enough for the heart, brain, and liver to get back on track. Smoking requires a joint effort with some H20, and is already standard procedure for most, but still deserves to be mentioned whenever hangover remedies are told.