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  THE WEEKLY RUNDOWN FOR JULY 3.  
   
   
   
 

 

Whoever did it, more people are dead. Iraqis are blaming the U.S. military for an explosion at a mosque on Monday that killed five men. Angry Iraqis vowed revenge for what they said was a missile attack, though some witnesses and the Army said the explosion came from within the mosque. On Wednesday, President Bush told reporters that he anyone who hurts American soldiers or Iraqi civilians "will be found and brought to justice." During a Tuesday speech, Bush said the looting and violence in Iraq "remains a challenge" but vowed to stay in Iraq until "freedom is fully established." The president did not bother to clarify exactly what that means or when it might happen, though he did concede that democracy in Iraq "is critical to the defeat of terror and radicalism throughout the Middle East." As things stand, American taxpayers chip in $3 billion a month so soldiers can get hit by a nation of potential snipers.

 

 
   
 

 

They can do it up the butt, but they can't get married, dammit. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (the guy who took over for Trent Lott, if you recall) said Sunday that he supported a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Calling marriage a "sacrament," Frist said legal protection should extend only to a "union between - what traditionally in our Western values has been defined - as between a man and a woman." The amendment was introduced in May by Colorado Republican Rep. Marilyn Musgrave and begins, "Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman."

The proposed amendment is with the House Judiciary Committee; to become an amendment, two-thirds of the House and Senate and three-quarters of the states must approve the idea. Between the Supreme Court decision legalizing homosexual sodomy and the Canadians legalizing man-on-man marriage, The Black Table has deemed all of North America totally gay

 

 
   
 

 

Talk is cheap, Mr. President. President Bush urged Liberian president/war criminal-in-chief Charles Taylor to leave the country Wednesday, though the U.S. is still apprehensive about sending troops to help rid Liberia of this particular double standard. (Oh, just admit it, America: It's because they're black.) Liberia, founded by freed American slaves more than 150 years ago, was maimed by a civil war in the 1990s that cost 200,000 lives and continued fighting in recent years to oust Taylor. The United States and several West African nations requested that the U.S. send 2,000 troops, but the U.S. is wary of African humanitarian mission after the military's disastrous turn in Somalia in 1993. (Think Black Hawk Down but with an average-looking cast.)

 

 
   
 

 

There's no money left for fun. Communities across the country will throw smaller fireworks shows on July 4, if bombs burst in the air at all. Pyrotechnics companies (now THAT beats the cracker factory) say there is a small decline in sales. In Fergus Falls, Minn., city officials, who expected the state to cut aid to cities to make up for a $4.2 billion budget deficit, squashed the city's $20,000 display. The lights in Reno were to come only from fireworks this July 4 after Washoe County stripped funding, but sports network ESPN picked up the tab. In other communities, fireworks funding was raised via private sources. The Black Table thinks it would be a lot cheaper if people just set things on fire. Oh, and attention residents of Radnor Township, Pennsylvania: The red tank is sure to win this year. Go Raiders!

 

 
   
 

 

Start cleaning out the icebox. Put your cum in the cupboard! Month-old, air-dried rehydrated sperm can fertilize eggs just fine, thanks very much. Men could save millions a year by keeping their jizz in the fridge instead of with a fertility clinic facility. To get the little DNA snakes squirming again, just throw the specimen in salt water for a half hour. Who wants sex when you can just add water?

 

*BT*

Aileen Gallagher, author of three children's books, (and another one, about muckraking, on the way!) writes Weekly Rundown every Friday.