back to the Black Table

1. Okay, "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."

2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than tiny, under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do.

4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother," always trying to outdo its larger sibling. Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode Islanders have the *really* thick accents.

5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South is some bitter ex-girlfriend whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.

6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We won." Then we move on.

7. It scares us that the South actually feels like it should have won. I mean, if it won, then slavery is still around. Why aren't Southerners happy they lost? Okay, I suppose we're all sorry about Sherman. But still, without him, you'd have even more hick towns. You should thank us already and let it go. We're over it.

8. That said, we know the South has prettier girls. But ours are more promiscuous.

9. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else is "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place, but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.

10. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states scare us deeply. Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved Mysteries" kicks in. Same feeling.

11. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we care. Don't they both have a Memphis?

12. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know, honestly. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.

13. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.

14. Midwestern is a synonym for "naïve."

15. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where shallow people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.

16. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they feed.

17. And while we're here. Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana and chuck the peel.

18. Southerners, just by the very sound of the accent, are always less intelligent. It's not our fault that they sound like Jolly Ranchers are stuck in their mouths. Fix that, get rid of the Confederate flag and maybe we'll take you seriously in something other than college football.

19. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always panic. Dozens perish. We usually make bets on how many die.

20. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!

21. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa, Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Utah, Missouri and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't know anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.

22. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.

23. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.

24. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.

25. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up with more original names at some point?

26. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in Of Mice and Men. Big scary difference.

27. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college transfer states.

28. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to go.

29. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Former Governor Jesse Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.

30. The Miss America pageant is rigged so that Massachusetts sends the ugliest girl in the history of the female gender. The last one looked like Ted Danson. Yes, really.

31. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport. Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding? Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional field.

32. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.

33. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby. We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.

34. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we show up?

35. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when Pittsburgh was a steel town.

36. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it has on the tight sweater.

37. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in Philadelphia, Boston or New York.