back to the Black Table

Okay, okay, okay. Remember this date. The war is about to happen. It is Wednesday, March 19, 2003 and there's 100 MINUTES until Saddam Hussein's 48-hour ultimatum is up. And don't you worry. TV says the coast is really clear. TV says the war could happen any minute, though.

Time for TV's smoke break. If war happens while TV is out, TV will bring it to me immediately. When the Gates of Hell open up, they will stomp out that butt, exhale real quick and show us the shit in gloriously green night vision.

America is supposedly going to drop an assload a crazy shit on 'em. A campaign so big the world has dubbed it: "Shock and Awe." We created the world's largest conventional weapon especially for Saddam. This sick 21,000 pound monster bomb that makes the daisy cutters we used in Afghanistan look like a pack of those bang-snaps they sell at parades. This shit is so bad we filmed it and showed it off to Iraqi troops, commanding them to surrender. Everything we say and do beggin' 'em to do something.

We got 250,000 troops over there all of 'em at the ready, building shit like crazy to support the first phase of a publicly-stated plan to occupy the country. And to kick this thing off -- we're going to "shock and awe" them into surrender with our might. That's fucking BALLS, huh?

Iraq is the size of California and we're somewhere near Mexico with a bullhorn screaming: "Attention future victims! We are the U.S. of fucking A and we're building our nightmare factory outside your borders! You have 94 MINUTES to leave the country! Sleep tight! Pay no attention to the 1,000 planes, 400 tanks, 110 ships and thousands upon thousands of muzzles pointing at you. Now it's 93 MINUTES. Get moving, motherfuckers!"

And Saddam is all: "No, *you* leave!" And we're all: "Okaaaay, here's a little taste of what we have, bitch." So with like 800 minutes, we just take out these anti aircraft guns a bit with some missiles. And here's a little skirmish in the port city of Basra. And don't even think about messing around in those oil fields. Meanwhile, everyone who isn't in Baghdad with Saddam is all freaking out. They're just shitting themselves surrendering to each other and running across the border in to Kuwait.

And there are 90 MINUTES until the motherfucking WAR!

That's right. I am sitting here, wearing my WAR T-shirt, waiting for my prime-time war to get going at 8 o' clock, or else I'm watching American Idol. Apparently we have battlefield lawyers helping decide where to bomb first, which got TV so excited, TV suddenly yelped: WAR COULD BE IMMINENT. THIS IS SOME DUDE ON A MAP WHO WILL STAND ON THE PLACES WE CAN BOMB. LOOK AT HIM. HE IS A GORGEOUS REPRESENTATION OF HOW WE ARE WALKING ON IRAQ. NOTE THE IRONY.

And now there are 87 MINUTES until we strike up the band!

Where's your HAT? With the counter in the corner of MSNBC, it's like the annual New Year's Eve spectacular hosted by Dick Clark. TV live from Baghdad! Here's your crystal ball. Here's our countdown! Here's Limp Bizkit, our musical guest! And let's find our what Baghdad is like.


"Heeeeey guys! Here we are on this faaabulous night, live in Baghdad. We are NOW under two hours away from total utter WAR!"

And there are like five hundred thousand fucking people sitting there SILENT, with a ton of crazy Iraqi dudes all with guns drawn walking around protecting the town, waiting for the HELL to come to Earth. The entire world watching this countdown. There are 81 MINUTES to go and what the hell are they thinking about right now in Israel?

Let's say we hit Iraq with some shit and Saddam's dying wish is to go fucking bananas and nuke Israel. And whooo HOO everyone pick sides! Does that happen? TV SAYS IT COULD BE ANY MINUTE NOW?

I feel really ill. This is a real war. This goes on America's permanent record, you know? Like, okaaay, Vietnam was a CONFLICT. This is really a WAR. And it's in the most volatile place on Earth. HOW DID WE GET HERE? And why does it feel like the condom broke? It's that same feeling that you're playing with something that was way too dangerous, that "Oooh shit! This was all totally rad and then we got all active and *BLOOP!* Ah, bananas, jeepers this is just TERRIBLE. WHAT HAPPENED? How did we GET here?"


TV is back and asking the tough questions: Where to shoot? When to shoot? How to kill 'em? How much to kill 'em? Do you want 'em dead? Or really, really extra totally dead? They can do both, sir. We go to the break again they'll come back!

With 77 MINUTES left, we tell a tale from earlier today in New York City, where they're at terror alert high on the brink -- the most brinkitiest brink ever, to be accurate -- of WAR.

It's about 400 minutes until we start handing out little plastic cups of GO SAUCE at the mall in Baghdad and then a cold bolt of paranoia shot across the newswires. "New York, March 19 (Bloomberg) -- New York City police closed the Manhattan Bridge at 1:35 p.m. local time after finding a suspicious package on the roadway, said Sergeant Kevin Hayes, a police spokesman. The bridge, which connects Lower Manhattan and Brooklyn, will remain closed until police examine the package, Hayes said. Traffic is being diverted to the Williamsburg Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge. The Manhattan Bridge opened on Dec. 31, 1909."

And then the panic creeps down your spine. They're already starting shit. Something is gonna happen. They got a fucking package on the Manhattan Bridge. Which bridge is that one? What trains go over that bridge? Do trains go over that bridge? It's pretty close, right? FIVE BLOCKS AWAY? What are suspicious packages doing on a bridge? That's MY bridge!

But then you fight. It's a GOOD THING, right? It was a package. It didn't look so good. They're looking close. They close the bridge. And it's cool. Right? And then like an hour later, they open the bridge back up and say it was nothing. But they don't tell you what the suspicious package was. And WHY didn't they tell us? What was in the box? Was it that flu that's killing dozens and dozens of people worldwide? Was it a cheesecake from Junior's?

At 68 MINUTES, TV is repeating things and babbling incoherently. MOMENT OF MAXIMUM ADVANTAGE. CHEMICAL WEAPON ATTACK: BE THERE IN AN HOUR! TV also says special ops guys are moving in the DEAD of night towards Baghdad, with mobile labs and all kinds of shit that is so bad ass they can't even show it to you in the movies.

Back to Dick Clark in Baghdad! "Everything is silent, guys! It's like 3 in the morning, here! The kids are in bed and they are straight chillin'. The streets may be deserted, but in the parliament earlier today, Saddam's inner circle got down with a serious round of clapping and singing to show support! Then they vowed to sacrifice their blood and souls for Saddam. In fact, some of these wild party animals in the military got so out of hand that they told American officers that their commanding officers are lying to them. No, no. Bring on the countdown. Beating Baghdad won't be no picnic! This dude promised DEATH. CHALLENGE!"

And the DEATH could come in 45 MINUTES, but TV needs a smoke break. When we come back, they're equally chilled out in Washington D.C. TV says people are saying things like "it's eeerily quiet" and "this is the calm before the storm," so you know we're cool with it! Everyone in Washington D.C. is cold chillin' EQUALLY, walking around in the open, totally free and shit with 38 MINUTES left. (That is, everyone except Ari Fleischer. He looks sick, but he's that kind of guy who would look all green at a time like this, and besides the C-level news reporter looked bored. That's how I knew nothing is happening and they keep on continuing here after these commercial break.)

27 MINUTES. You chillin'? I'm chillin'. Cool. Please pay no attention to those iraqi soldiers who are surrendering all over the place. And with 20 MINUTES left… TV wants me to check out our WEAPONS! WE ARE DOING THINGS OVER THERE but no one says what. And any minute now, it could happen, which is why I have my WAR T-SHIRT and I AM WEARING MY WAR PARTY HAT, waiting for this war, which can happen ANY minute, honest. Close the bridge! That package could be delicious!


15 MINUTES! Cue the Iron Maiden: "Runnn tooo the HILLLLS! Run for youuur LIIIIFE!"

TV wants to introduce you to Saddam's sons, who must leave in 7 MINUTES or it's all over for them. Uday Hussein is the sick motherfucker who heads up Iraq's Olympic Committee, which is the only one with a jail that has been accused of torture. TV says all the rumors about Uday are true and he's just a scary man. People who like Saddam don't like Uday. But don't confuse him with Qusay, the other brother. Qusay is just the bad, creepy dude who Saddam trusts most. Good to know.

I must have blacked out. TV says the world will be a war zone in 1 MINUTE!

Dick Clark, any last words from Badgad? "These crazy kids and their crazy bunkers and their crazy panicked faces! They're DIGGING this! Let's hear it, Baghdad!"

10… 9… 8…

TV can't handle it. Must go to smoke break…

7… 6… 5…

The countdown. Seconds away from total war? Seconds away from having the largest impact on the region since the very creation of Israel?

4… 3…

Seconds away from a historic point of no return, TV is shaking, screaming: WE ARE AT H-HOUR! WE ARE AT H-HOUR! BY GAWD, WE ARE AT H-HOUR!