back to the Black Table
             
  FROM WORST TO DURST! THE FUCK UP WHO FUCKS 'EM ALL.  
   
 

Don't hate Fred Durst. Beneath that Playboy pimp persona is a little white kid in a shopping mall with a cop for a dad and a battered skateboard.

The Limp Bizkit frontman is everything good about America, a complete fuck up winning against long odds. His one-night stand with Britney Spears and his role as "straw" in the marriage between Halle Berry and Eric Benet is testament to this. It's all too easy to hate a 33-year-old man whose incredible success is equal parts "right place, right time" and pandering to the lowest common denominator with songs like "Break Stuff."

Just 10 years ago, Fred Durst was on the highway to nowhere, wandering those desperate off-ramps that undereducated, unmotivated and unattractive people usually drift towards. Born in Jacksonville, Fla., to a police officer dad and a churchgoing mom, Durst spent his formative years in Gastonia, N.C., a town best known


 

for its monstrous shopping malls, like the million-square-foot Eastridge Mall. After graduating high school, he joined the U.S. Navy to impress his father, but quit after finding basic training too strenuous. Durst also unsuccessfully tried his hand at college, got married, had a kid at age 20, then discovered his wife cheated on him and spent a month in the slammer for beating up her lover. (This relationship became the inspiration for his breakout hit, "Nookie.")

Divorced and drifting along an unspecified career path that included robbing stores, Durst managed a skate park in Charlotte, N.C. before following


 
 

his parents to Jacksonville with his tattoo kit in tow. In keeping with the fighting spirit of wastoid dreamers who hang at skate parks and tattoo for a living, Durst fell into a number of nu-metalish bands in Florida, rarely playing more than a handful of gigs before dissolving.

By 1994, a rudimentary Bizkit lineup was assembled, but Durst's big break came not from playing music but by sneaking backstage at a Korn concert and offering to tattoo the band. With Korn's support, Limp Bizkit opened for the Deftones in Florida, played Korn's private parties and saw record labels come a courting. After a near-death car accident in Texas in which the band's van flipped five times, Limp Bizkit signed with Flip Records.

The band's debut "Three Dollar Bill Y'all$" was a disaster when it was released through Interscope in July 1997 … that is, until a desperate fuck up once again opened the door for improbable success. As its record died on the charts, the band's record label made headlines with a payola scandal, slipping a radio station in Oregon $100 every time they'd play the Bizkit single "Counterfeit." The scandal, combined with a performance on MTV's Spring Break Live in which the band blew up a boat, helped push 1.5 million units out the doors by spring 1998 and transformed a white-trash homeboy into a sexual predator so accomplished that even Charlie Sheen's impressed.

Over the last six years, Durst bedded Playmates and pop stars alike, cutting a swath through some of the most beautiful women on Earth. How? By doing the same thing any teenage fuck up would do if they became a millionaire and suddenly had a shot at every prom queen at every high school in America. In with the in crowd, but never completely so, he plays the "pity fuck" card, unhappy despite his success -- insecure, lonely and looking for love. (However fleeting that love might be.)

Consider this quote, from the January 2000 edition of USA Weekend magazine: "When you come from a place with no money like I did, you think that's gonna solve your problems," Durst complained. "I still get the flu. I still get fat. I still have the same problems I had when I started. I thought not having money was the problem. But now I realize it's really about finding inner peace. I don't have it yet."

He gets the flu. Ask yourself: "If you cut Fred Durst, does he not bleed?"

Pay no attention to the hundreds of notches on his bedpost, Durst hurts in the worst way. "I want everybody to be thinking I'm having the time of my life, but I'm single and miserable," Durst moaned to the New York Post on Valentine's Day 2002. "I'm experiencing the best things in my life, with no one there to share them. I'm a hopeless romantic."

What woman with breast implants could resist that? Sure, his music sucks, but the "I'm so sad and lonely" David Lee Roth routine has been working wonders. Here's a look at Durst's five most incredible conquests.

 

 
 

1. HALLE BERRY
From the very beginning, the Berry/Benet pairing was in jeopardy, what with Eric Benet cheating while on the road, then going off to therapy for sex addiction and Berry's career skyrocketing while her husband's stalled. And while Berry was a divorcee waiting to happen, it's somewhat certain that Fred Durst was the catalyst behind the transformation, slobbering girlish sentiments about her on MTV's Diary. Don't want to believe Durst is King? Consider this: In the time Berry was married to Benet, she'd starred in films with Heath Ledger, Don Cheadle, Billy Bob

 
 

Thornton, Robert Downey, Jr. and Hugh Jackman. And yet Durst shoplifts the pootie? Simply inspirational.

 

 
  2. BRITNEY SPEARS
Fred Durst nearly cost himself whatever street credibility he had after his two-week liaison with Britney Spears earlier this year. Once again, Durst gushed openly about his love for a woman, posting intimate messages about his feelings for Spears on his band's Website. And when Bizkit headed fans ripped into Spears for being a phony pop tart, Durst defended her. But once Britney issued a heated denial that she'd ever had anything to do with Durst, he appeared on Howard Stern's show to set the record straight, and in doing so, officially outed Spears as a
 
 

chain-smoking slut instead of the sweetheart virgin she'd been playing for years. And we're supposed to hate him?

 

 
 

3. MISS USA KIM PRESSLER
Durst got to Kimberley Ann Pressler four years ago, in 1999, when Limp Bizkit still had a shot at being one-record wonders. Because Durst wasn't a household name, his dalliance with Miss America didn't make waves in many gossip columns, but the relationship is notable for three things. One, their first date was to see the movie Fight Club. Two, Pressler broke off her engagement to date Durst. And three, Fred Durst fucked Miss America. What else can you say? Even the nation's prettiest, most talented single gal can't resist Durst's charms. Impressive and terrifying at the same time.

 

 
 

4. ALYSSA MILANO
One man's loss can be another man's gain, and if this is true, Justin Timberlake's love life has been Fred Durst's Salvation Army. Just a few months before his fling with Britney, Durst began dating Milano. The only problem was neither of them had told poor Justin yet, and the gossip pages were awash in stories of the pair making out all night at the Whiskey Bar in L.A. In the end, everyone pointed to the age gap between Timberlake and Milano as the reason for the split, but we all know the real reason, right?

 

 
 

5. CARMEN ELECTRA
Like the script for Superman V, Carmen Electra has been attached to a million different leading men, spending time on nearly every desk in Hollywood. While landing Electra is no accomplishment, Durst still gets major props for having the balls to playing the rebound guy after her marriage to Dennis Rodman failed. Some reports say the duo was even engaged just three months into the relationship, further proving that Durst can be a romantic fool. Just like everyone else.

 

 
 

Honorable Mentions:

 

 
  CAPRICE -- After winning three MTV Europe Music Awards, Durst celebrated by cornering Caprice, chatting her up for five hours and then leaving the after party with her at 5 a.m. Need we add that Caprice may or may not have been dating David Spade at the time?  
  RACHEL HUNTER -- It's tough to nail down exactly when this pairing occurred, but the word in the British tabloids is that the former Mrs. Rod Stewart has been on dates with Durst. Sadly, this is less a reflection of Durst's freakish charisma and more emblematic of Hunter's taste of ordinary-looking rockers.  
  CHRISTINA AGUILERA -- Did they or didn't they? If Eminem lyrics and Durst's public comments are to be believed, Christina's been one dirrrty girl. Despite her denials, given their respective reputations, it's not wrong for us to assume the worst.  
  GERI HALLIWELL -- On Jimmy Kimmel's late-night TV talk show in March 2003, Halliwell joked that her relationship with Durst made them the new "Fred and Ginger." While amusing, the former Spice Girl can't dance around the fact that Kimmel's lame show is still going and her relationship with Durst isn't.  
  PLAYMATE JENNIFER ROVERO -- If life were fair, Rovero would be in the top five, or even better, married to Durst. She's been with him, on and off, for the last decade and is the mother to his son, Dallas. This is the point where we remember that life ain't fair.  
  PLAYMATE JAIME BERGMAN / PLAYMATE SUMMER ALTICE -- Ah, Playmates. And these are just two of the trysts we know about. Pictures say a thousand words and in this case, they'll tell you all you need to know. Playmates are really hot. And they all love Durst.  
  ANGELINA JOLIE -- In an interview with Access Hollywood in July 2003, Durst openly crushed on Jolie, saying: "I sure wish she would listen to this here and give a guy a shot, because you just never know. It's a crazy world we live in."  
 

 

*BT*