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Every half-hour, the muzak playing inside the Exeloo self-cleaning toilet goes silent, the door automatically locks and spray nozzles pop out, misting the unit in anti-bacterial detergent, before the pressurized water jets blast crud from the walls and hot-air blowers dry the floors.

It's a beautiful moment. A clean bathroom in just minutes. No muss, no fuss, no ammonia smell. The business of taking care of your business, made simple.

Indeed, for a mere $100,000 a year, your bathroom can be immaculately cleaned without ever lifting a finger. According to the New Zealand automatic toilet maker, the Exeloo removes 99.9% of contaminating microorganisms, even those which have had time to dry onto a surface. But, of course, with such a high price tag, these stand-alone units are intended to be used as public restrooms -- the fine folks of Alexandria, Va. have one in their train stations.

Sadly, the Exeloo was not build to keep the incredibly lazy and filth-tolerant from performing the loathsome task of cleaning that bathroom you saw up there.

Go Back. Look at it.

Okay. Let's get in close here.


The Sink: A Place Regarded as Wicked or Corrupt.

There are approximately five meanings of the noun "sink," according to

  1. "A water basin fixed to a wall or floor and having a drainpipe and generally a piped supply of water."
  2. "A cesspool."
  3. "A sinkhole."
  4. "A natural or artificial means of absorbing or removing a substance or a form of energy from a system."
  5. "A place regarded as wicked and corrupt."

This is a sink, all right.

Given that we live in a disposable society, you'd think that people would take a perverse joy in discarding items. But then you'd be wrong. The inability to toss out useless things is a prime factor in creating massive amounts of filth. Remember, if it's empty, you don't need it, let it go.


    a.) Why can't smokers bear to toss out their empty packs of cigarettes? And why can't they be bothered to empty the overflowing bathroom ashtray, when the trash can is right there? I'll tell you why: With all the restrictions on smoking these days, getting through a full pack is an achievement that should be shared with others. b.) Points for having soap, but points off because one of them completely empty. It's not a collector's item. c.) Most people don't know this, but every morning, dentists pour out a little paste for their dead homies. It's a true fact. d.) Random question. Why do you have SIX toothbrushes in the  

dispenser. Why? Do you have lots of group sex? You smuggle immigrants and hold Neverland-style sleepovers with them? Why are there SIX? That's a problem. The Academy of General Dentistry warns that disease can easily be spread from toothbrush-to-toothbrush, especially when stored in a heap like that, which could explain why your mouth's so nasty, Pamela Anderson's herpes are getting jealous. e.) The clean spot in the middle of the mirror is cute, isn't it? Eh, why clean it? Shaving using three square inches of reflective surface makes it more fun -- and challenging!


The Toilet is Not Made From Magic.

In the grand scheme of things, humans have been pooping into automatic-flush toilets for an extremely short amount of time, which is why some people cling to the notion that toilets are made from magic and automatically clean themselves if you rub the magic handle. This is not true. a.) Like the dishwasher, where you have to wipe down the plates before putting them in, the power and magestry of a 5-Liter flush can barely make your caca go all-gones, let alone remove that tan film from the bowl. Invest in a toilet brush and don't store it with your toothbrushes. b.) Pop quiz time! Is this puke, poo, or blood? If you said "puke" -- you're absolutely right! c.) A used tissue has been left on top of the clean tissues, proving that even inanimate objects have separation anxiety. d.) Hey, uh, buddy. Your Playmate is showing.


Rub a Dub, Dub. There's an Afro in Your Tub.

Just because this bathroom appears to have its shit together with a lovely shower curtain and matching carpet, toilet seat cover combo, doesn't mean it's spic-and-span. a.) How long has it been since this bathroom has been cleaned? Judging from the three dozen rings around the tub, we're thinking "Clinton Administration." b.) Ben Wallace celebrates a Pistons Championship! c.) Nothing says "I Love Joy Division" like a pair of bloody razors left by the tub. You may be a sick fuck who lives in a Castle of Biological Horrors, but at least you're hip to the New Wave revival that's currently ongoing. So, there's that. d.) Dirty caulk. Heh.


A Message to People With Nasty Bathrooms.

You just have to do it. You have to clean that shit.

You're not alone. Everyone hates cleaning the bathroom. According to a poll by the Soap & Detergent Association, respondents ranked cleaning the bathroom as the worst household chore -- worse than dusting and vacuuming, worse than doing the dishes, worse than doing the laundry. One of out every three people hated wiping down the toilet more than any other chore.

A tip: One of the major reasons why you probably hate cleaning the bathroom is you let things hit "Motley Crue in 1985" proportions before you pick up a sponge. By the time you're chipping the toothpaste off the walls, that bathroom looks like a crime scene. Contrary to public opinion, clean is not relative. Clean is clean. And dirty is dirty. As the old G.I. Joe cartoons profess: "Knowing is half the battle." And knowing how to tell when your bathroom is in dire need of cleaning is nearly as important as cleaning it.

Sure, one of three Americans hate cleaning the bathroom -- but on average, Americans suck it up and clean the loo once a week. Forty percent of folks clean it twice a week. If that last bathroom looked familiar, you're stuck somewhere between "cleaning before family comes over" and "my family doesn't come over anymore."

You gotta do it, dude.

Buck up, pal. It's time to take that teeny step on the road to adulthood and learn to clean up your own fucking mess.




Let's Get Our Clean On.

There are a plethora of wipes, foams, gels, sprays and powders that you can employ to clean a bathroom -- but all you really need are a handful of things: A drain opener, like Drano; an foaming all-in-one cleaner, like Scrubbing Bubbles; and a glass cleaner, like Windex. And, of course, a toilet brush, clean rags, new paper towels and a clean sponge -- using something that's been lying around the house is just like taking a crap in your hand and doing windows with it.

It's not that big of a deal. This isn't rocket science. It's just a


little wiping and spraying and inhaling chemicals in a small, relatively airless space.


Enter the World of Clean.

Dow Chemical got its start in 1897 as one of the nation's earliest distributors of chlorine bleach. Over the next 106 years, Dow has created a stunning array of products, making everything from sodium benzoate, an early preservative used in all kinds of foods, to the Ziploc bag and it's "gripper zipper." But Dow's pioneering spirit has

  also resulted in less savory discoveries, too. The company created napalm, a jelly-like gasoline substance that was dropped on children during the Vietnam War, and Agent Orange, which was used to defoliate the jungle and in the process, poisoned thousands of people. Needless to say, it's not shocking that a company so good at producing incredibly harmful shit created Scrubbing Bubbles, which, as the slogan says: "Does the work so you don't have to." 1. Look at the innocent sink, whose only crime is being dirty. 2. Spray the entire sink with an even layer of Bubbles under the pretense of keeping America safe from Communism. 3. Wait five minutes and then wipe with a damp sponge. Ignore the protests in the streets. 4. Mission accomplished! It's clean. But to keep it that way, you will have to    

be increasingly vigilant from here on out. You never know where the Red Menace could pop up next. 5. Now clean the toilet. 6. And the toilet bowl, too.


Save Mr. Drain!

Oh, no! Mr. Drain can't breathe! Luckily, you can save Mr. Drain's life by learning the Drainlech Maneuver. 1. Check for a pulse, then use you finger to clear Mr. Drain's airway of any and all debris. If Mr. Drain is choking on something, say, a metric ton of pubic hair, he will not be able to scream for help. 2. Once Mr. Drain's airway is unrestricted, immediately pour Drano down his throat to ensure that the airway stays open. Ignore the screaming. Wait a full half-hour for the noxious chemicals to eat away the funk lining Mr. Drain's pipe. 3. Then flush with scalding hot water for a few minutes, until you're sure the chemicals are gone.


The Final Push.

Let your fuzzy friend, Scrubbing Bubbles, take you home to the Magical World of Clean. It's really not a fun or interesting trek from here on out. If cleaning were a videogame, this would be that

  horrible repetitive part, like in Mike Tyson's Punch Out, when you know all the fighters' weaknesses and what to do. When you're done cleaning, you'll feel the same way you did after beating Mike Tyson only to get that lame ending. All of that work -- and THAT'S IT?! And yet, you'll play it again. Same thing with cleaning. 1.) Look around. Notice how the tub looks like someone just decomposed in it. 2.) Clean that up. 3.) Employ logic. These tiles are disgusting 4.) and you have a few toothbrushes laying around. 5.) Get it clean. And honestly, if you don't know how to do windows, but you're on the Web enough to read this story, perhaps we 6.) spray the mirror and rethink some of our life    

choices 7.) while wiping down the glass so 8.) there are no streaks. 9.) Get your pornography into a nice, neat pile, so girls can read them when they come over. Take a mental note about how this looks. Welcome to the Magical World of Clean.


The Shit-Free Shitter.

Considering all the dirty people out there, there's no wonder that 30% of people absolutely refuse to use public bathrooms, according to Quilted Northern's "Bathroom Confidential" survey. We all know these types, the ones who put layer upon layer of toilet paper on the seat; the ones who hover five feet above the rim, carpet bombing the bowl; the ones who force you to turn around and head home for any and all Number Twos.

But public bathrooms get a bum rap. For one, they're cleaned every day, if not more often, and there are all kinds of health codes and regulatory agencies governing them. And let's not forget those well-intentioned signs imploring the help to wash up. In this last bathroom, the hand towel was in the waste basket.

As we've discovered, people's bathrooms at home aren't all that clean. A study from Dr. Charles Gerba of the University of Arizona found that 80% of the bathrooms in homes are awash in potentially harmful bacteria like E.coli, which is found in shit. Your bathroom is the enemy. And you must confront it.

So, until you have $100,000 to plunk down money for the Exeloo super self-cleaning toilet, you're gonna have to do this yourself.



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