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  SOMEBODY TOLD ME NOTHING: A Q&A WITH THE KILLERS.  
   
   
  Nine months ago, The Black Table decided to go out and do an interview with The Killers over email, because we kinda liked the record and thought they'd were on their way to becoming the cat's ass. (And we were right.) This Q&A was originally shelved for painfully obvious reasons -- it didn't go all that well -- but now that  
 

they're on magazine covers and in Associated Press stories on the ol' television, well, what the fuck, right?

And so, this is our extremely old, nearly shelved email interview with two members of The Killers, bassist Mark Stoermer and lead singer Brandon Flowers, who chimes in with a total of eight words to two questions.

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BT: Since this is the start of the interview, everyone's theme music has to play. I'm picking "Town Called Malice" by The Jam. What's your theme music?

Mark: "I Wanna Be Your Lover" by Prince.

BT: You do? Me too! There's a palpable buzz building around "Hot Fuss." You've got two singles out. MTV's playing your video. Morrissey's asking you to open for him. London's in love. Promo copies are scarce. Girls are pulling out their hair. But let's just say this record goes to shit. No

   


Brandon Flowers


Mark Stoermer

   
 

one buys it. What happens to The Killers?

Mark: We'll keep trying until people get it.

BT: Okay, so everyone is going to buy the record. That was a mean question. Say Hot Fuss sells like a celebrity porno tape and you guys are everywhere. What is your episode of "Cribs" like?

Mark: Me, MTV, driving around Vegas in my car looking at all the houses I'd like to live in.

BT: Now it's that point in the interview where we all have to pick celebrity girlfriends. I pick Natalie Portman. Okay, your turn.

Mark: Scarlett Johannsen.

BT: You have to wake up to one song for the rest of your life. What song would you wake up to?

Mark: "This is Hardcore" by Pulp.

BT: Your press kit says: "On Top" celebrates where Brandon feels the band is at. And in the song you say "I can't fake / We're on top" but later you start talking about brides and it got confusing. What's that song about?

Brandon: It's a celebration of life.

BT: I have another question about one of your songs, if you don't mind. In Mr. Brightside, y'all sing: "And my stomach is sick / and it's all in my head / but she's touching his ..." And then you say chest, but dick fits the rhyme better. If I start singing "dick" instead of "chest," are you going to get turned on?

Brandon: Who are you?

BT: In a New York Times review, the Magnetic Fields' Stephin Merritt said your songs deserved better, compared you to Interpol and ultimately concluded that you'll appeal to teenagers because of your looks. If you guys gained 50 pounds and could only wear clothing from Wal-Mart, what would they say?

Mark: Have you seen me with my shirt off? I do wear clothes from Wal-Mart, ha. I'm sure the fans would say, "Oh my, look what's happened to them, it's so sad." Like the way Elvis fans reacted to his expanding size. Let's ask Stephen if he would sell more records if he looked like James Dean.

BT: Where were you on September 11?

Mark: In bed in Vegas. My dad woke me.

BT: These e-mail interviews make me thirsty. It's time for an interview drink. I'm having a Dewars on the rocks with a splash of water. What are you having?

Mark: A water with a splash of ice.

BT: Aren't these drinks good?

Mark: Really good with ice.

BT: Y'all are from Las Vegas, which is not exactly a music mecca. So you guys have been lumped in with popular U.K. acts like Franz Ferdinand and mentioned alongside the latest wave of New York City bands. Where are you from -- and more importantly -- where do you see yourselves fitting in?

Mark: Well we're from Vegas, Iowa, Texas. That's where we were conceived at least. The bands you mention have helped pave the way for us and we like a lot of those bands. "Take Me Out" is really deadly.

BT: Okay. Last question time. Who are you voting for in the upcoming election?

Mark: I would want to vote for Nader but I would likely vote for Kerry.