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  HEY TRUMP... YOU'RE FRIARED!  
   
   
 

Where can you see offed mobster "Big Pussy" Bompensiero chatting with former police commissioner Howard Safir?

Speaking of which, where can you hear Regis Philbin say "pussy?"

And where can you see Donald Trump act humble?

Nowhere, ladies and germs, but the annual Friars Club Roast at the New York Hilton. 2004 marks the centennial of the New York-based performers' association whose reputation is as corny and vulgar as it is august. And this year the club, perhaps anticipating that no one would be watching the second season of The Apprentice, chose Donald Trump as its 50th roastee. It was the largest roast ever; the Grand Ballroom bulged with 1800 people. (1799.25, if you count what's left of Helen Gurley Brown.) And, demonstrating Midas skills akin to those of their target, well, some of what the roasters touched turned to comedy gold.

(Full disclosure: I am proud and amused to be a member of the Club, which -- as I am also married to a rabbi -- may make me the only living person who holds both the titles "Friar" and "Rebbitzen.")

This year's roast seemed, in certain small ways, more modest than affairs past. There was less made-for-TV glitz, as Comedy Central is no longer broadcasting the event (99% of which is bleeped out by the time it makes the airwaves anyway). I'm pretty sure that at the Hugh Hefner roast three years ago, there was a schmancier salad. And this roast, with a "cunt" count of only about three, was only the second dirtiest thing I have ever heard. (Top honors: Hef '01.)

Needless to say, nearly all of the twelve roasters -- plus roastmaster Regis -- made Trump's hair a target. "It looks like Nicole Kidman's bush," said old-timer Stewie Stone, with the caveat that Trump's looks are beside the point: "Without your money, you'd be fucking Roseanne." Comedian Jeff Ross suggested that Trump's other reality show would be "Extreme Hair Combover." Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lang had two words for Trump's hairdresser: "You're fired."

Trump also took heat for his vast successes, and the failures among them. "This guy makes Halliburton look like fucking Habitat for Humanity," said a be-sunglassed Richard Belzer. Reverend Al Sharpton -- who was, alas, not as hilarious as he was at the Democratic Convention -- said he was told there'd be "as many blacks at the roast as Donald Trump has in his buildings." Last Comic Standing finalist Rich Vos: "The reason he puts his name on his buildings is so that the banks will know which ones to take back."

Susie Essman ("Curb Your Enthusiam") took a similar tack. "The only thing you have that's not going down is Melania," she said, referring to Trump's fiancée, Slovenian model Melania Knauss, who was there -- and adding a dig I'm not entirely sure I get: "I wouldn't blow you with Katie Couric's mouth." (Couric was seated nearby on the dais, by the way. When introducing her, Friars' Club Dean Freddie Roman remarked: "She's dating an owner of the Boston Red Sox, which means she hasn't gone all the way since 1918.")

Which brings me to the jokes about Trump's women. "The smartest thing ever to come out of Marla Maples' mouth was his cock," said "Catskills on Broadway" vet Dick Capri, who also offered this lagniappe: "God created yeast infections so that women know what it's like to be with an irritating cunt." (Capri also did a joke -- let's see, something about a young Trump interning at a mortician's office and a "shrimp" coming out of a dead woman's vagina that he didn't realize was her clitoris … oh, never mind.)

"What do you say to someone who has a lot of fame and bangs the hottest pussy in town?" asked Stern sidekick Artie Lang. "Way to go, Ellen Degeneres!" Comedian Jeffrey Ross called Trump "the only man ever to fuck 72 virgins without having to blow himself up." NBC head Jeff Zucker lamented that he couldn't attend Trump's wedding, but that'd he'd be "sure to catch the next one." Zucker speculated that the wedding would feature "something for everyone" -- for Trump and his friends, a cigar room; for M and hers, a "bouncy castle."

Comedy's "Queen of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli, who was dressed as a nun (long story), congratulated Trump and his fiancée, "Insert Name Here." "He asked if she would still love him if he were poor. She asked if he would still love her if she were ugly," said Lampanelli. "And they laughed and laughed."

Trump, to his credit, laughed and laughed throughout the afternoon. But when it came time to make a few remarks of his own, he waxed serious, sincere. "I didn't have the courage to tell Melania she'd be called some of the things she's been called here," he said, apologizing. "You're a wonderful woman."

I thought two things: (1) That is so sweet! and (2) He didn't freaking warn her? (He didn't have the "courage?" ) I'm guessing that for Trump, the real roast started when he got home.

 

Lynn Harris writes for Glamour, Nerve, and Salon. For the love of God, buy her book, Miss Media.