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  IT TOOK A WHILE, BUT I USED INSTANT MESSENGER TO LEARN HOW TO TIE A NECKTIE  
   
   
 

Will Leitch: I SIMPLY CANNOT TIE A FUCKING TIE. I'M STARING IN THE FUCKING MIRROR, DOING IT EXACTLY THE WAY THE SHEET SAYS, AND IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK.

Eric Gillin: hahahahahahahaha

WL: It keeps saying go "under" and "around." I can't figure out what's around or under or over.

EG: Under means beneath the fabric.
EG: Around means over.

WL: You just said eight words of pure jibberish.

EG: Right.
EG: Search the web.

EG: There's video of it out there.

WL: Around means over? This makes no sense. The worst part is that thing you sent me really is moron proof. I still can't figure it out.

EG: Are you following the pictures?

WL: Yeah, but I can't even get the tie to look anything close to the way the pictures do.
WL: Here is where my problem is (are you looking at that page?):

EG: Nope.
EG: Send the link.

WL: http://www.learn2.com/05/0537/05375.asp
WL: Grasp the narrow end about three inches from your neck with your nondominant hand.
WL: This I have done.
WL: But then it says Take the broad end with your dominant hand and pass it across and over the spot. What the hell is "across and over?" Those directions are awfully vague.

EG: Let me help.
EG: Take your tie.
EG: Flip up your collar.

WL: Done.

EG: Drape the tie across your neck and around the collar.

WL: done

EG: Take the skinny end.

WL: ys?

EG: Make it so the tip is between the fourth and third buttons on your shirt.
EG: The fat end should hang on the other side.

WL: Left side or right side?

EG: Well, when it hangs down, all the stitching should not be seen.
EG: Is that happening?

WL: By the stitching, do you mean the thing on the back of the tie?
WL: That runs all the way down?

EG: Yeah, asshole.

WL: Gotcha.

EG: Engage the brain.
EG: Cool.

WL: You can't see that.
WL: But the fat end is on the left side.
WL: Is that where it's supposed to be?

EG: Sure.

WL: Cool. I'm set for now. We have successfully draped the tie over my neck. The hard part is over.

EG: Everything you do from now on involves the fat end.

WL: Gotcha.

EG: Take the fat end, and cross the little end with it, making sure it's over the top.
EG: Not behind.

WL: Fat end on top?

EG: Yep.
EG: You there?

WL: Yes.
WL: I am holding them together.

EG: Think of your body as north.
EG: And away from you is south.

WL: Gotcha.

EG: There should be a X formed as the tie bits cross, right?

WL: Yep.

EG: The northern V.

WL: Yes.

EG: You take the fat end.
EG: And make it go under the skinny part of the tie.
EG: Through the northern V.
EG: So its "over, under, through."
EG: You already took the fat end and put it OVER-making the X.
EG: Now you want to go under the skinny part of the tie, and through the Northern V.

WL: So, basically, i take the fat end and stick it thru the v.

EG: Right.

WL: done.
WL: it's now hanging over my thumb and index finger.

EG: Take the fat end, and place it over the X again.
EG: Like you did initially, with the OVER step.
EG: It should run East/West.

WL: So just do the same thing i just did?

EG: Yes.
EG: Then you go UNDER, like before.

WL: exact same? ok.

EG: And THROUGH.
EG: But, this time.
EG: You want to go over the X you first created and under the part you just laid out.
EG: You're going between.

WL: fuck. i'm gonna blow it herer

EG: Focus on the northern V.

WL: i can't see the northern v because the fat end is in the way.

EG: Right.
EG: Have you gone under and between yet?

WL: the last thing i did was go thru the northern v

EG: Do you have a knot?

WL: i'm very confused, i will be honest

EG: Right.

WL: no.

EG: Start over.

WL: fuck

EG: Relax.

WL: Listen, the first part I have down. Cross the end of the ties. (third/fourth button).
WL: Take the fat end and go through the V.
WL: After that, I have no idea.

EG: Let's try a different method.
EG: This is easier.

WL: ok.

EG: Make the X.
EG: 3/4 button.
EG: Same as usual.

WL: done

EG: Take the fat end, and wind it twice around the skinny end.
EG: So the stitching is on the bottom, and unseen.
EG: It's easy.
EG: You should be done by now.
EG: It's like a noose.

WL: i can't get it to where the stitching is unseen.
WL: got it
WL: next

EG: Go under and through the northern V, making sure to stuff the fat end between the wound layers you just did.

WL: I just had a blowout. I'll start over.

EG: Stop for a second.

WL: stopped.

EG: Consult the picture of the 4-in-one knot.
EG: 4-in-hand, sorry.
EG: See that?

WL: Yes.

EG: Step one says "over and under" but it's really "making the X'.

WL: step 1 is done.

EG: Step two is confusing.
EG: But you should wind the tie twice, making sure it runs east west.

WL: define "wind."

EG: So just take the fat end and wrap it twice.
EG: Wrap it around the skinny end twice.

WL: around the skinny end.

EG: Like taping the end of a hockey stick.

WL: done.
WL: done.

EG: Then go under, like you did before and through the Northern V, making sure to go between the fabric.

WL: "between the fabric?"

EG: Okay, you have two layers of wrapped fabric right where the X is.

WL: yes

EG: Between those two layers.

WL: i don't understand "between."

EG: Take the tie and pull it through.
EG: Stuff the tie through that area.
EG: And pull it.
EG: Due south.
EG: You are now done.

WL: after i've gone thru the northern v?

EG: Yes.
EG: You are now done.

WL: The good news is that the knot worked. The bad is that my tie barely goes down to my nipples.

EG: http://www.tieguys.com/information/howto_knot_four_in_hand.shtml
EG: Now practice.
EG: And use that link.
EG: Better pictures.
EG: Ready to try it again?

WL: Thank you. We're closer now. We actually had a knot there.

EG: Before you start.
EG: Take that mangled tie and smooth it out on your desk.

WL: Just did that.

EG: Right.
EG: Make sure the skinny end is a lot shorter than the big end, and then try again.

WL: Again, I got the knot, but the tie only goes to my nipple.

EG: What?
EG: That makes no sense.

WL: The fat end is ludicrously shorter than the skinny end.

EG: Make sure the skinny end is a lot shorter than the big end, and then try again.
EG: Is the skinny end MUCH shorter than the big end?
EG: Wrap the thing only one time, instead.
EG: Are you using that link?

WL: We'll try the one time.

EG: Open it.
EG: http://www.tieguys.com/information/howto_knot_four_in_hand.shtml
EG: Follow those.

WL: I did.
WL: I'll give that a look. I think I'll only wraponce.

EG: Wrap once.

WL: SUCCESS!

EG: Thank fucking G-d.
EG: Really?
EG: Looks okay?

WL: Yeah. It looks like a real tie.
WL: Wrapping once made all the difference.

EG: I cannot believe I just taught you how to tie a tie, over fucking IM.

WL: You have the patience of a saint.

EG: That was frustrating.
EG: Excuse me.
EG: I've been saving this.

WL: Uh-oh ...

EG: What the fuck do you mean "What does between mean?" I'm going to fucking murder you for that! Jesus. Didn't you have any fucking parents or do rednecks not wear ties for fear the lynching's comin' soon!?
EG: Thank you.
EG: I'm done.

WL: Good work.

EG: I did the rest of the swearing as we were doing it.

WL: I gotta go soon. Bar None. What time?

EG: After this? A.S.A.P.
EG: I'll be there then.
EG: Wait.
EG: I need a haircut badly.
EG: Call me after the interview.

WL: Gotcha.

*BT*