|IT TOOK A WHILE, BUT I USED INSTANT MESSENGER TO LEARN HOW TO TIE A NECKTIE|
|By Will Leitch & Eric Gillin||
Will Leitch: I SIMPLY CANNOT TIE A FUCKING TIE. I'M STARING IN THE FUCKING MIRROR, DOING IT EXACTLY THE WAY THE SHEET SAYS, AND IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK.
Eric Gillin: hahahahahahahaha
WL: It keeps saying go "under" and "around." I can't figure out what's around or under or over.
EG: Under means beneath the fabric.
WL: You just said eight words of pure jibberish.
EG: There's video of it out there.
WL: Around means over? This makes no sense. The worst part is that thing you sent me really is moron proof. I still can't figure it out.
EG: Are you following the pictures?
WL: Yeah, but I can't even get the tie to look anything
close to the way the pictures do.
EG: Let me help.
EG: Drape the tie across your neck and around the collar.
EG: Take the skinny end.
EG: Make it so the tip is between the fourth and third
buttons on your shirt.
WL: Left side or right side?
EG: Well, when it hangs down, all the stitching should
not be seen.
WL: By the stitching, do you mean the thing on the back
of the tie?
EG: Yeah, asshole.
EG: Engage the brain.
WL: You can't see that.
WL: Cool. I'm set for now. We have successfully draped the tie over my neck. The hard part is over.
EG: Everything you do from now on involves the fat end.
EG: Take the fat end, and cross the little end with
it, making sure it's over the top.
WL: Fat end on top?
EG: Think of your body as north.
EG: There should be a X formed as the tie bits cross, right?
EG: The northern V.
EG: You take the fat end.
WL: So, basically, i take the fat end and stick it thru the v.
EG: Take the fat end, and place it over the X again.
WL: So just do the same thing i just did?
WL: exact same? ok.
EG: And THROUGH.
WL: fuck. i'm gonna blow it herer
EG: Focus on the northern V.
WL: i can't see the northern v because the fat end is in the way.
WL: the last thing i did was go thru the northern v
EG: Do you have a knot?
WL: i'm very confused, i will be honest
EG: Start over.
WL: Listen, the first part I have down. Cross the end
of the ties. (third/fourth button).
EG: Let's try a different method.
EG: Make the X.
EG: Take the fat end, and wind it twice around the skinny
WL: i can't get it to where the stitching is unseen.
EG: Go under and through the northern V, making sure to stuff the fat end between the wound layers you just did.
WL: I just had a blowout. I'll start over.
EG: Stop for a second.
EG: Consult the picture of the 4-in-one knot.
EG: Step one says "over and under" but it's really "making the X'.
WL: step 1 is done.
EG: Step two is confusing.
WL: define "wind."
EG: So just take the fat end and wrap it twice.
WL: around the skinny end.
EG: Like taping the end of a hockey stick.
EG: Then go under, like you did before and through the Northern V, making sure to go between the fabric.
WL: "between the fabric?"
EG: Okay, you have two layers of wrapped fabric right where the X is.
EG: Between those two layers.
WL: i don't understand "between."
EG: Take the tie and pull it through.
WL: after i've gone thru the northern v?
WL: The good news is that the knot worked. The bad is that my tie barely goes down to my nipples.
WL: Thank you. We're closer now. We actually had a knot there.
EG: Before you start.
WL: Just did that.
WL: Again, I got the knot, but the tie only goes to my nipple.
WL: The fat end is ludicrously shorter than the skinny end.
EG: Make sure the skinny end is a lot shorter than the
big end, and then try again.
WL: We'll try the one time.
EG: Open it.
WL: I did.
EG: Wrap once.
EG: Thank fucking G-d.
WL: Yeah. It looks like a real tie.
EG: I cannot believe I just taught you how to tie a tie, over fucking IM.
WL: You have the patience of a saint.
EG: That was frustrating.
WL: Uh-oh ...
EG: What the fuck do you mean "What does between
mean?" I'm going to fucking murder you for that! Jesus. Didn't you
have any fucking parents or do rednecks not wear ties for fear the lynching's
WL: Good work.
EG: I did the rest of the swearing as we were doing it.
WL: I gotta go soon. Bar None. What time?
EG: After this? A.S.A.P.