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  INCOMING! APRIL 12, 2004.  
   
   
 

Monday

After a weekend full of hard-boiled eggs, horseradish, giant hams and Peep parties, the comedown from the Passover-Easter hangover is not that easy. Thankfully, today is the kick-off of National Egg Salad Week.

Yeah. For real. So, if you suddenly come across a lot of people

 
 

suffering from fart breath over the next couple days, now you'll know why.

Also, this Monday marks CBS Late Show host David Letterman's 57th birthday. Tonight's show is always fun to watch just because you never know what could happen -- remember in 2000 when Pearl Jam sat in as house band for the night? Or how about in 1995 when Drew Barrymore jumped up on his desk, danced and flashed him? And after the show she didn't even beat the shit out of somebody with a microphone stand or have some black dude chomp on her bare nipple.

Anyway… tonight's guests are shlubby actor Billy Crystal and New York Yankee shortstop -- whoops, I mean third baseman -- Alex Rodriguez. Crystal, who's an unapologetic, gushing Yankee fan, will probably have a boner the size of a Louisville Slugger once he's in the same room with Rodriguez, so don't expect him to jump on Dave's desk without CBS facing major fines from those crazies at the FCC. There's a new sheriff, America. Deal with it.

 
 
 

 

 

Tuesday

The Second Annual TRL Awards will air on MTV today at 5 p.m. Last year's event was marred by the whole "Durst banged Britney" thing, but this year is shaping up to be real special with a line-up that includes Beyonce, Jay-Z and some other allegedly "popular" artists

 
 

named Fefe Dobson and Murphy Lee.

Yeah. Holla.

Amidst all the celebratory madness generated by the aforementioned "artists" and the close-ups of screaming suburban teenagers with poster board signs and buckshot acne, Carson Daly is receiving a TRL Lifetime Achievement Award. This moving ceremony will most likely consist of montage footage from Carson's career as a host (or "Vee-jay"), an appearance by Bob Ritchie/Kid Rock, and Daly sporting new nail polish and highlights to accept his idiotic award.

It's been a great run, Carson. Six goddamn years has been a lifetime, you talentless, hammerheaded douchebag.

 

 
 
 

 

Wednesday

You're running out of time. Today is April 14. Did you know that the insane people at Liberty Tax Service are open for 40 hours straight beginning at 7 a.m. today? Try to pick out the googly-eyed CPAs on the street who will be all hopped up on Red Bull and crystal meth for

 
 

the next day and a half. If they're muttering to themselves, poke them in the head with a stick from a safe distance to snap them out of it.

The IRS predicts that there will be nine million extensions filed this year. Nine million. Come on, you lazy sumsabitches. Luckily, we filed somewhat early this year, and our accountant took some time to answer some of our dumb-assed questions:

Q: If we get audited, can't we just tell the government that it was our accountant's fault?

 

   
 

A: No. According to our accountant, the tax return that's filed with your name on it is your fault. That's why you need an honest one.

Otherwise, you're up the proverbial shit creek without a paddle, boat or discernable land mass near by.

Q: What's the most ridiculous thing a client of yours tried to write off?

A: According to our accountant, he once had a client who tried to write-off a trip to Las Vegas because he was traveling due to medical reasons -- "depression". So, that didn't fly, so to speak.

Q: Is it true that if we E-file or mail our return back inside the envelope that the IRS provided for us, that we increase the chances of receiving a "random" audit because all that shit is tracked?

A: No. You're a moron.

 

Thursday

You have 24 hours to file your taxes.

Not only is Thursday Tax Day -- it's also the two-hour season finale of that Trumpian juggernaut called The Apprentice. Tonight we'll see if sneaky, soft-spoken Kwame or cigar-salesman Bill walks away with

 
 

the miserable prize of actually having to work for this megalomaniac asshole and his fucked up hair. $250,000 a year to be a professional piñata. Congratulations. (SPOILER: Page Six said it was Kwame a couple weeks ago.)

Since we already kinda know what's going to happen on the Apprentice, we at The Black Table will be spending our federal tax return monies on the new FHM mag featuring the ladies of the Apprentice. Don't tell us we don't know how to have f-u-n.

 

   
 

 

Friday

For those of you out there who want to pay for Harvey Weinstein's skin grafts, go see Kill Bill: Volume 2 which opens today. In this installment, we finally find out how Uma Thurman's character "The Bride" will carry out her revenge against David Carradine's "Bill",

 
 

Daryl Hannah's "Elle Driver", and Michael Madsen's "Budd".

We heard a rumor that The Bride hacks off Ethan Hawke's penis, attaches it to a pair of nunchucks and bludgeons all of them to death.

Be sure to go early. All the kung-fun lovin', Tarantino-worshiping dorks will be camped out for days to get into this one. And be forewarned -- some of these nebs make the whole Matrix/Star

   
 

Wars/LOTR zealots look like the goddamn Rat Pack.

Pack an extra egg salad sandwich in case you have to wait…

 

INCOMING! will run every Monday on The Black Table, starting, well, now. Writers will be rotated, and if you're interested in contributing one, email Will Leitch at leitch@blacktable.com.