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  INCOMING! MAY 10, 2004.  
   
   
 

Monday

Call all your Filipino relatives and tell them to get out and vote! The Philippines will hold its presidential election today, attempting to bring

 
 

stability to a country wrapped in political turmoil and corruption over the last decade. 43 million voters will choose between incumbent, filthy rich president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, popular Filipino action film star Fernando Poe Jr., Raul Roco, Eddie Villanueva, and Panfilo Lacson.

Poe, star of such cinematic classics like "Dito Sa

   
 

Pitong Gatang " and "Hagedorn", has used his movie star charisma and giant sunglasses to nurture a strong showing in this election -- Poe, whose mother was American, was a supporter of former Philippines president Joseph Estrada (another former movie star) who was ousted from power after a violent political uprising half way through his six year term in 2001. Many experts predict that if Filipino youths and the working class voter turnout is strong that he could possibly win. That is, of course, if they're not too busy fighting for their lives like rabid dogs.

 

Tuesday

Carb-counters and fatties rejoice! Today is National Eat Whatever You Want Day, a holiday started presumably by frustrated dieters

 
 

who, in lieu of stabbing people, decided that it would be better just to eat the fucking brownie already. The cuddly crew at IVillage.com even have a nice batch of recipes to initiate guilt-free gorging.

We gluttonous jiggle-bellies at The Black Table don't do all that dieting shit. So, here's a recipe

   
 

that's a weekly staple at Camp Bowery headquarters. For those of you out there really into clogged arteries and developing a pear-shaped figure, this is the meal for you:

The Camp Bowery Sandwich

4 strips of bacon
4 pieces of scrapple
4 slices of American cheese
2 fried eggs
One hero sandwich roll

Toast roll so it's lightly browned, but not crispy. Fry up all the bacon, scrapple, and eggs and then stuff it in the roll. Sit on couch with sandwich. Eat sandwich as quickly as possible while watching Baseball Tonight. Mmmm…

 

Wednesday

Boner alert! Tonight American Idol eliminates another one of its four remaining female contestants.

Find out if Diana, Fantasia, La Toya or Jasmine gets voted off,

 
 

convulsively cries, and pouts backstage until she's cruelly discarded and not heard from ever again. Chances are it'll be Jasmine who doesn't have an "a" at the end of her name. It'd be in her own best interest to change her name to "Jasmina" in order to keep herself in the competition.

It is feared, however, that this year's Idol winner will be a lame duck, only holding the title until Fox producers are overpowered by insane Clay Aiken fans who storm into the studio and demand a recount until their goofy-faced hero is crowned American Idol for the rest of the century. See?

   
 

America and the Philippines are not that different.

 

Thursday

Boner alert again! Today is Bea Arthur's birthday. The popular silver-haired vixen from classic television shows "Maude" and "The Golden

 
 

Girls" turns 80. Thanks to this extremely thorough Bea Arthur fan site, here are some things you may or may not know about this sassy old coot.

  • One of Bea's favorite foods is Japanese eggplant.
  • Bea collects antique furniture.
  • Bea once appeared on an episode of Judge Judy.
  • Bea once gave Golden Girls co-star Estelle Getty crabs. (Okay, that last one was made up.)

 

   
 

For those of you out there who want to send Bea a belated birthday card, a Japanese egg plant or perhaps a package of adult diapers, write here:

Bea Arthur
2000 Old Ranch Road
Los Angeles, CA 90049

 

Friday

"Troy," the most homoerotic summer blockbuster since "Top Gun" came out in the 1980s, opens today in theaters nationwide. Wolfgang

 
 

Petersen directs a protein loaded Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, Orlando Bloom, and a bunch of other dudes wearing sandals as they kill, maim, and brood through this epic tale.

If Troy's too jam-packed with sweaty, groping men and you love watching a movie in an empty theater, Jamie Foxx plays a jilted boyfriend who gets revenge by penning a best-selling how to book on breakup etiquette in "Breakin' All the Rules", which also opens today. If "Breakin'All the Rules" comes anywhere close to cracking the top five at the box office this weekend, The Black

   
 

Table will shave our left leg and tape the hair to our back for an entire day. Promise.

 

INCOMING! will run every Monday on The Black Table, starting, well, now. Writers will be rotated, and if you're interested in contributing one, email Will Leitch at leitch@blacktable.com.