back to the Black Table
               
  INCOMING! JUNE 28, 2004.  
   
   
 

Monday

Has it been 90 years already? On this day in 1914, Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand was struck down by an assassin's bullet. What was at

 
 

first a small-scale strike against the Austro-Hungarian government by a terrorist group called The Black Hand quickly escalated into a little thing we like to call World War I. You know you're a presumptuous warmonger when you name a war World War I. I heard they had the sequel already written before the first one came out.

Evidently no one told old Franz about the assassination though, because at 141 years young, Ferdie has taken the music world by storm this year with his patented brand of brash and poppy indie rock. Critics have called his debut LP, "loud, catchy and danceable, much like the early 20th-century Austro-Hungarian Empire."

After finishing up his US tour last week, F-Ferd is in Germany this week as he opens for the recently reunited Pixies for a night and kicks off a several

 
 
 

month stint through Europe. Let's just hope he steers clear of Serbia!

 

Tuesday

Speaking of the hottest music acts to emerge in 2004, today marks the release of the DVD William Hung: Hangin' With Hung. While the

 
 

DVD fails to put an end once and for all to the debate over whether Hung has Down's Syndrome, it is packed with kitschy goodness for irony fans that didn't get last month's memo that the William Hung phenomenon was over before it started.

Want to watch the "She Bangs" video? How would you like to watch two different versions of the "She Bangs" video? If that doesn't make you practically explode right out of your Spam© T-shirt, just wait until you get an eyeful of the studio footage from Hung's recording sessions. Rounding out the disc are exclusive interviews and a television special

   
 

from the Fuse network about Hung called Idol Worship!

Say what you will about Hung, but you have to give the guy a little credit. After all, I got made fun of by a few hundred kids at my junior high school, and all I got out of the deal was an adulthood filled with therapy. William Hung has the whole country making fun of him, and he's oblivious-ing all the way to the bank. Isn't that the American dream?

 

Wednesday

If you've got any box-office records lying around, you might want to wrap them up in bubble-wrap because they're about to be shattered!

 
 

Spider-Man 2 swings into theaters today, and I'm a tad torn over what I should say about it.

If I thought I were cool, I'd have this to say:

Today finds multiplexes all over the country infected by Spider-Man 2, another mind-numbing, big-budget summer flick from the unscrupulous Hollywood machine. Save yourself some brain-cells and just go see Fahrenheit 9/11 a fourth time

 
 
 

instead.

But I'm not cool, so I have this to say:

Hot-diggity-dog! I can't wait to see Spider-Man 2 today! Alfred Molina is a perfect Doc-Oc, and the trailers make it look like there's no way this won't totally kick the first movie's ass. In fact, Spider-Man 2 looks so good that I've almost stopped saying a nightly prayer asking for a wetter and pokier Kirsten Dunst nipple scene this time around. Who needs nipples when you've got eyeball-reflections of cars being hurled? Did I say, "hot-diggity-dog" yet?

Whether I'm cool or not, you, I, William Hung and Franz Ferdinand will all be out to see the movie this week. I could write anything I want about Spider-Man 2, and it would still make a quarter-billion in its opening day.

Spider-Man 2 will make your feet turn into rotten pudding-pops.

See? We're still going to see it. I'm powerless.

 

Thursday

Happy Canada Day everyone! Which of the following is the reason for celebrating Canada Day?

 

 
 

A.) Canada Day is a day of recognition for Gordon McDonohough, the legendary Canadian credited with ridding the country of leopards in 1983, making it finally inhabitable by humans.

B.) Canada Day is a celebration of the birth of Gordon McManlihan, whom Canadians believe to be the son of God and the savior of man. Canadians spend Canada Day exchanging gifts with one another, hanging ornaments from conifers and feasting on the blood and flesh of the elderly, for it is the old who offend Gordon McManlihan's spirit

   
 

the most and hinder his return to the mortal Canadian coil.

C.) Canada Day marks the anniversary of the unification of Upper and Lower Canada (what are now Ontario and Quebec), New Brunswick and Nova Scotia as the Dominion of Canada.

D.) Canada Day is a holiday celebrated in Lithuania to remember those who fought and died in the Portuguese-Madagascan War of 1997.

E.) Canada Day is the final day of Nightlight Savings Time in Canada. At the strike of midnight, all Canadians gather around The Grand Canyon 2 in Ottawa and toss their nightlights in, pledging to keep the country nightlight-free until January 1, Canadian Mardi Gras.

 

Friday

Gentlemen, start your guilt-free masturbatory fantasies.

Yesterday, you would've gone to prison for making sweet love to the

 
 

break of dawn to Lindsay Lohan, but as of today we're all free to knock consensual boots with the Mean Girls star. That's right; it's Lindsay Lohan's 18th birthday! Consequently, it's also her breasts' first birthday. Happy birthday to all three of you!

First the Olsen twins, now Lindsay. Who's a lecherous man supposed to ogle these days? While many might suggest Emma "Hermione" Watson or the girls from School of Rock as replacement jailbait, I suggest going younger for added insurance. Have you seen Lola Ciccone these

   
 

days? Va-va-va-voom! Better yet, why not jump on the Apple Martin bandwagon now? Look at her; you can totally tell she's going to be hot.

 

Matthew Tobey, a former editor at Haypenny looks like a flower, but he stings like a bee. He runs The City of Floating Blogs and can be contacted at mtobey@gmail.com.

***

INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table. Writers will be rotated, and if you're interested in contributing one, email Will Leitch at leitch@blacktable.com.