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  INCOMING! SEPTEMBER 13, 2004.  
   
   
 

The week gets off to a somber start as Americans mark the third anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. On Saturday, victims' parents and grandparents stood at the World Trade Center site and recited the names of the 2,749 innocents who were killed on that day so that a few insane fucksticks could get laid in heaven. I hope the poon is pretty sweet up there fellas, because nobody's got much cause to celebrate down here.

 

 
 

Monday

Or do they? Today marks the opening day of LabelExpo 2004 in Chicago! That's right, purveyors of bumper stickers, nametags and other "self-adhesive technologies" are descending on the Windy City to praise what has to have been a banner couple of years. From American flag decals to crying eagle scratch-n-sniff stickers, these guys have got plenty of reasons to celebrate the aftermath of September 11. Over the weekend, I saw a jeep covered from bumper to bumper with Kerry/Edwards stickers parked next to a Hummer similarly adorned with a big letter "W." I can't help but think that in our last election year, both of these morons would have settled for a mere sketch

   
 

of Calvin peeing or a well-placed "No Fear" sticker in the back window.

But hey -- maybe I'm just being cynical. Maybe the sheer volume of Kerry stickers on that jeep made some tailgating Republican on the freeway spontaneously switch parties. I once saw a fish on a Volvo that made me believe in Jesus, so I know that anything's possible.

I can't help but wonder if LabelExpo will also host those folks who mastermind labels of the non-adhesive kind, the ones like "liberal," "redneck" and "flip-flopper" that help us categorize people without learning anything about them. Will the guy that made up "metrosexual" have a booth? And will somebody from the "crackwhore" booth please kick his ass?

 

 
 

Tuesday

Today is the birthday of Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, the early 20th century Russian physiologist who proved that one can torture a dog by simply ringing a bell. His work on conditioning is still relevant in the modern age; I salivate for a Big Mac every time I see a guy in a Grimace costume. Luckily, that doesn't happen too often.

Speaking of grimaces, today is also Ralph Nader's

   
 

deadline to qualify for the ballot in Wisconsin. When I first scanned this headline, I mistakenly read that Nader was trying to qualify for the Wisconsin ballet. Now there's a campaign I could get behind. I'd load my car up with however many bumper stickers I had to if it meant seeing Nader dance across the Dairyland. "Kenosha, you're in for a treat tonight! Ralph Nader is … UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED!"

But if you're one of the few who are actually happy to see Nader running for president again, then you're in luck, because today is National George Bush Meetup Day! So put on your Sunday best and head out to the local Sizzler -- it's time to hook up with other Bush supporters and make up for when National Completely-Out-Of-Touch-With-Reality Meetup Day got cancelled.

 

 
 

Wednesday

While Johnny Gentile goes home to the same old shit tonight, his good buddy Jew McJewinson will be kicking it old school at synagogue, celebrating Rosh Hashanah -- the Jewish New Year. For Jews, this is a time to ponder the mistakes of the past year and look forward to changes in the new one. This is a little different from the Gentile New Year, which is a time to ponder the vampiric youth of Dick Clark and throw up in a plastic top hat.

This year, the Jews will be ushering in year 5765. I wonder how Dick Clark will look when the

   
 

Gregorian calendar reaches that number.

Today is also Respect for the Aged Day in Japan. Could somebody please tell me when Quentin Tarantino is gonna get off his ass and produce this holiday in America? Seriously -- Hallmark is making up bullshit holidays left and right just so that they can sell stuffed bears; why can't we adopt a holiday that may actually have a positive influence on the values of this country? The only old people who get respect in America are the ones who rap in shitty comedy movies, and I suspect that some 23-year-old producer is forcing them to do it at gunpoint. Old people are more than weird smells and medicine: They're you and I. That cute old guy drinking a coffee at Hardees may have killed a man, and that old woman hobbling through the mall was probably a slut back in the day. I know they're bad drivers, but we should all have some respect for these people -- they coined the phrase "been there, done that."

 

 
  Thursday

In other slut-related news, Jenna Jameson will be previewing her new autobiography, "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star," in a special on E! this evening. I don't think I need to see this, as I'm pretty sure I already know how to make love like a porn star. As far as I can tell, you just show up somewhere, say a few lines, perpetrate three to six sexual acts with whoever happens to be around, drop your junk on the nearest rack, then… wait a minute, what do you do then? It usually

   
 

fades out by that point. Does everybody go get a coffee or something? Play Scrabble? Jump rope? Maybe that's what Jenna will talk about. Okay -- I'd better tune in.

Today is also National Stepfamily Day! This might seem like a lame holiday to celebrate, but think about it for a moment: Where would we get our Jenna Jamesons from if it weren't for the molesting antics of stepfathers all around the country? Somebody's got to "step" in and turn these ladies out, and they deserve to be celebrated just like anybody else!

The Mayflower also sailed from England on this day, but that doesn't have anything to do with Jenna Jameson, so who cares?

 

 
 

Friday

Today in history, 1787 to be precise, the Constitution was signed by delegates at the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia. This is something to care about; the creation of this document assures that Americans are free to print what they want on bumper stickers, assemble with those who share their loony beliefs, celebrate their own religious holidays and -- yes -- watch programs about Jenna Jameson. The Constitution of the United States is the oldest written national constitution still in force, and that's pretty damn

   
 

amazing.

Terrorists will never be able to destroy this great compact with force or fire, no matter how hard they try. No, the only threat to the freedoms set down in the Constitution comes from its authors -- We The People. When our leaders push to amend this document based on their own cultural prejudices, when they are endorsed by generals who recommend its suspension in case of terrorist attack, it's our duty to step up and kick them out of power. Hey, I know it's Friday, and all anybody wants to do is get together with friends at the Sizzler, so I'll knock off the speechifying. Enjoy your dinner rolls, and if you take anything away from this wrap-up of the week's events, it should he this: Some old ladies used to be sluts. Happy Friday!

 

Chad Fifer neglected to mention that he writes and produces a new political animation every Tuesday at SeriousAmericans.org. You can learn more about his personal life at FiferandLackey.com.

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.