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  INCOMING! SEPTEMBER 20, 2004.  
   
   
 

Monday

If you missed Talk Like a Pirate day yes-tarrr-day, don't fret: Tonight is Talk Like a Socially Retarded Robot Night. That's right, tonight Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry is scheduled to be on "Late Night With David Letterman." Kerry, whose fledgling campaign could use all the help it can get, is expected, in a move to appeal to longtime Letterman fans, to:

a): Jump on Dave's desk, flash him and dance around.
b): Stage a fight between Andy Kaufman and Jerry "the King" Lawler.
c): Ask goofy questions of a clearly stoned Farrah Fawcett.
d): Try to get Dan Rather to cry.

This should be a lot of fun. If you saw Kerry's appearance on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" a month or so back, you know that if anybody knows how to kick back and cut loose on hip talk

 
 
 

shows … um … well, it's probably Regis Philbin. Enjoy, anti-Bushies, as our "candidate" attempts jokes that make our hair stand on end and, ultimately, make us bash our heads against the table.

But, if you're like us, you won't be watching that. No, instead, you'll be passed out under a table after anesthetizing yourself with beer and Xanax. It will have been too much for you to sit through an entire four quarters of Randy Moss and the rest of the Minnesota Vikings racking up points on the Philadelphia Eagles' defense. You'll tell yourself that you're drinking to celebrate the 34th anniversary of the very first Monday Night Football game between the New York Jets and the Cleveland Browns in 1970. But deep down in your heart, you'll know that you're just a pussy.

Speaking of being a pussy, President Bush's full military records are scheduled to be released today. Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out he used to run secret missions in 'Nam, like he was Rambo or something? Like he was just being bashful about it -- "real soldiers don't like to talk about war," he'd say, stoic, brave, proud -- and the truth of his heroism all came out in the final record? Wouldn't that be something if our President turned out to be something other than a complete freaking coward? That would be real nice.

 

 
 

Tuesday

Happy International World Peace Day! Did you remember to send a card to your Aunt Esther and Uncle Paul? In all seriousness, really, today is the day when people around the world put down their newly legalized assault weapons, box cutters and letter bombs and take to the street to embrace strangers. Palestinians hurl boxes of cookies across the barrier wall to their Jewish neighbors. Iraqi insurgents walk up to American occupying soldiers, shake their hands and say, "Thank you, brother, for bringing peace to our land." It is a beautiful day for mankind.

You'd better believe our president will be celebrating today. George W. will observe International Peace Day by traveling to New York City to speak before the United Nations General Assembly and explain why it's important for all the

 

 
 

other nations in the world to send their troops to Iraq and fight an unpopular and unwinnable war. Happy International World Peace Day, everybody!

 

 
 

Wednesday

It is time, on Elephant Appreciation Day, to sit back and ponder how elephants have sex with each other.

Here is how it works. The male elephant goes up to the female elephant and sticks his trunk in an area that's in the general vicinity of where the sun doesn't shine. (This place doesn't get much sun itself, actually.) He coats the tip of his trunk with

   
 

the female's urine, and then places it in a "special sensory organ" in the roof of his mouth. This, according to Glenn D. Prestwich, professor and chair of medicinal chemistry at the University of Utah College of Pharmacy (and author of a revolutionary -- aren't they all? -- study on elephant sex), "arouses the male in a highly visible, dramatic fashion." (Not to mention what it does for Utah professors.) After the Dramatic Erection … well, you can figure out what happens after that: All kinds of guilt, remorse and anguished hours waiting by the phone, wondering when he'll call.

Incidentally, this is how Motley Crue used to score groupies after shows.

Oh, and did you know that today will be the very first meeting between Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf on the sidelines of the UN General Assembly? We know there's been a lot of bad blood between these two guys in the past, but we hope they can see past their problems and embrace the true spirit of Elephant Appreciation Day together. Maybe they can bond over a shared appreciation of that picture that went around the internet of the elephant with the massive hard-on. That was cool. Maybe Prime Minister Singh will be able to talk President Musharraf into, you know, just, like, not finding Osama bin Laden. Just until November 3. Then he could go back to looking. That would be really cool.

 

 
  Thursday

You think John Kerry is running out of time? You have no idea: The first votes of the presidential election will be cast Thursday.

The great state of Iowa -- the place that essentially kicked Kerry's campaign off in the first place -- will cast the first absentee votes for President starting Thursday. Absentee voting is becoming more commonplace, with people mailing in votes and showing up at specially designated polling places.

   
 

This causes alarm in some people, because absentee votes are considered easy to manipulate. (More than 500,000 were cast in Florida in 2000. Just saying.) This also causes alarm in some people because, I dunno, have you ever met any Iowans? Why do we give these guys first crack? We once spent a weekend in Clive, Iowa, and the bars closed at 10. How can we possibly trust these people to help elect a president?

The good news: The kickoff of the early voting will be announced by a blood-curdling Howard Dean scream. So that'll be fun.

 

 
 

Friday

Hey all you fag-hating, science-eschewing, gun-toting, Jesus-lovers out there … do you know what today is? That's right. We had a feeling you'd know. It's the opening day of the Christian Coalition's Road To Victory 2004 conference in Washington D.C. Now we can't say exactly what kind hate-filled rhetoric will be spewed across the teeming throng of sanctimonious sheep, like diseased jism on a crack whore's tits, but our money's on it having a little something to do with stem cells, abortion, homo-marriages, and how if

   
  Jesus wasn't a Jew, he'd be an American.

We Americans really are blessed to live in Jesus' adopted nation. It's kind of ironic that a poor, peace-preaching dark-skinned Middle Eastern Jew would so ravenously throw his support behind the biggest, richest, most powerful nation in the world in its efforts gain control of 95 percent of the world's resources. But we're not complaining, just so long as he keeps on blessing us with his big godly thumbs-up. It's just like the bible says, "Fuck them Islamic fucks! (Matthew 5:3)"

 

Dennis DiClaudio is an editor for (parenthetical note) and Ducky Magazine, and is a staff writer for The Starboard View. He lives in Philadelphia. Will Leitch is the managing editor of The Black Table.

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.