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  INCOMING! NOVEMBER 29, 2004.  
   
   
 

Monday

Welcome to the first day back after a long holiday! It's time to assimilate back into the soulless monotony of a five-day work week and inch closer and closer to death. So, employers of the worldm please have patience with your cubicle slaves this week. The bodies and minds of most Americans have been weakened after subsisting on dead bird, booze and pie over the last four days. Asking someone to do even the most menial tasks -- like answering a phone or printing out a spreadsheet -- is the equivalent of asking a paraplegic to kick a soccer ball. So, please take our sorry states into consideration.

Anyway, the post-turkey week gets of to a rousing start with the fourth annual Music Has Power Awards, held at Lincoln Center in New York City. The Music Has Power foundation is an organization devoted to exploring the scientific healing powers of music on people who suffer from neurological and mental disorders. One of this year's recipients

 

 
 

will be thin-wristed DJ-cum-inexplicable-multi-platinum "artist" Moby, whose music has apparently had a profound, healing effect on many who suffer from these disorders. The Music Has Power program utilizes the same concept as the movie Awakenings, but replaces Robin Williams' empathetic doctor with snappy techno-fag music, with the hope that drooling catatonics all over the world will be shuffling around parks buying ice cream cones while humming "South Side."

 

 
 

Tuesday

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the release of Pink Floyd's The Wall, which is not only responsible for elevating the "concept album" recording to higher, mind-altering cinematic levels, but also for saddling LSD and mescaline users with an irrational fear of gigantic flying pigs. So, in recognition of Pink Floyd's achievement, play a cruel joke on that aging burn-out in your office by sneaking up behind them and yelling " If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!" and watch them shit their pants and hide under a desk. Good times.

Also, fat girls with no friends will most likely be pooling their money together to buy Clay Aiken a birthday present today. Clay turns 26 this year, and in addition to celebrating the day of his birth, he will be also celebrating his 26th year on earth of never having had sex with a real live woman. Aiken has been busy the last month after releasing a Christmas album, headlining a 40-city tour and

   
 

promoting his memoir Learning to Sing: Hearing the Music in Your Life. The book reveals startling information about Aiken's uncharacteristic path to musical stardom and embattled childhood growing up in rural North Carolina as a red-haired, trophy-headed sissy. Here's a fun fact: In high school Aiken's classmates voted him "Person Most Likely To Get Raped By An Uncle."

 

 
 

Wednesday

Today's the day to whip out the red ribbons, throw away the dirty syringes and stop having sex with virulent rhesus monkeys: It's World Aids Day, the international day devoted to raising awareness about HIV and AIDS. The concept originated at the 1988 World Summit of Ministers of Health on Programmes for AIDS prevention and since then has been taken up by governments, international organizations and charities all over the world. This year's event includes numerous candlelight vigils, education seminars and spoken word tributes, and it will also unveil the first collection of World AIDS day bobble-head dolls featuring the hand-carved likenesses of Ryan White, Freddie Mercury, and Rock Hudson, just in time for the holiday gift-buying season.

Wednesday is also filmmaker Woody Allen's 69th birthday, who will most likely celebrate with a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant, some drinks and socializing at a jazz bar, and, to cap off the

 
 
 

evening, banging his Asian stepdaughter. Surprising as it may be, Mia Farrow, Allen's former wife still takes time to acknowledge her ex-husband's birthday by spending the whole afternoon seeking out short, nebbish looking Jewish men milling around the Upper East Side, and randomly kicking them in the balls.

 

 
 

Thursday

Thursday is a great day for MILF lovers everywhere. VH-1 premieres "All Access: Hot Mamas (2004)", featuring the daily lives of super hot mothers Debra Messing, Denise Richards, Madonna and Brandy. According to the VH-1 press release, the one-hour show will be packed with info on how these new hot moms dress, stay beautiful and navigate the tricky path to mommy-hood.

Fearing costly ageism lawsuits, VH-1 has expanded its "Hot Mammas" series to represent all facets of motherhood and has slated for 2005 "Hot Great Granmmas," which will feature dozens of female stars from the silent film era dressed in bikinis and making provocative poses while driving their Rascal 329 motor scooters. This one-hour episode will show how some of these sassy octogenarians keep their concave asses and sagging breasts in tip-top shape and also offers helpful tips for digesting certain dairy products and remembering the names of immediate family members.

 
 
 

Mmmm … sexy.

 

 

Friday

Jude Law is in another goddamn movie. This one is called Closer and it opens today and pairs People's sexiest man alive with Julia Roberts, Natalie Portman and some dude named Clive. In this film, directed by Mike Nichols, Law plays a sexy guy who wears glasses and falls into bed with numerous hot chicks. Or was that Alfie? Eh, it's not important. What is important is that Jude Law suffers a horrible, disfiguring accident in the next month so that men all across the country do not

 
 

have to hear about how beautiful he is from their girlfriends for the next 10 years.

 

A.J. Daulerio is a managing editor at The Black Table.

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.