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  INCOMING! DECEMBER 6, 2004.  
   
   
 

Monday

In national political news, today the Clinton Foundation Forum will meet on energy policy, featuring, you'll never guess, a keynote address by President Bill Clinton. Odds are he'll say, "I got your energy source right here." He will then endorse Barack Obama for President in 2008, which will cause Hillary Clinton to grow black leathery wings and fangs and fly off to her secret nest to plot revenge.

At the UN, Macedonia and Greece are set to resume talks on the name "Macedonia." I personally think that Greece should leave Macedonia alone. The Grecians have had their fun already. Plus, I think "Macedonia" might be the last cool nation name out there.

"What's your nationality?"

 

 
 

"I'm Macedonian! Grr!"

Today kicks off Severe Winter Weather Awareness Week in Canada. It seems suspiciously convenient that it just happens to fall somewhere near the beginning of winter. More news to come as we investigate this possible conspiracy.

And, in interstellar news, today Earth's moon and the planet Jupiter will rendezvous in the predawn sky, probably for some coffee, maybe a bagel with a little shmear.

 

 
 

Tuesday

Today kicks off the Infosecurity Conference in New York, featuring a keynote address by Rudy Giuliani. I hope this year they address how to find the password to your boyfriend's email account, because I have been trying to figure that out forever and it's the only way I'll know for sure that he's been cheating on me with that whore Staci.

Isn't there somebody who can tell you the real meaning of Christmas? Linus will give it a go on the Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC at 8/7 central. Some people say that it is the quintessential holiday show. But they're wrong. It's "Rudolph the

   
 

Red-Nosed Reindeer." How can you beat an elf who wants to be a dentist?

This is also the first day of the Festival of Lice, some Jewish holiday that I don't really get, I guess it's about hygiene or something.

Also, to mark the 63rd year since the Pearl Harbor attacks, thank a veteran. And then punch Ben Affleck in the face.

Don't forget to pick up Lindsay Lohan's debut album "Speak," so you can enjoy her Fez-approved full, ripe, firm, freckled real singing skills.

 

 
 

Wednesday

Did you ever wonder whether people would idolize John Lennon as much as they do if he were still alive today? Well this is not the day to philosophize on that, you jerk, because it's the anniversary of his murder by Mark David Chapman.

Speaking of musical geniuses, tune in for the Clay Aiken Christmas special on NBC at 8/7 Central, featuring performances by Barry Manilow, gospel singer Yolanda Adams and, for some reason, Megan Mullaly from "Will and Grace." Odds that Kevin Spacey will make an appearance singing a Bobby Darin tune? I say 2 to 1. If you are waiting

 
 
 

for a Clay Aiken joke, move on, friend: You'll find none here. Barry Manilow, however: what a tool.

For all you comic book geeks out there, Marvel Knights Spider-Man #9, "The Last Stand" comes out today, but the only way you're going to impress me is if you also pick up Thor: Son of Asgard #11, also dropping today.

Happy birthday, Ann Coulter and Teri Hatcher. You both get more frightening every year.

 

 
 

Thursday

Head to Washington, D.C., today for the official lighting ceremony for the Capitol Holiday Tree, which is exciting for approximately no one, except maybe those who still don't believe in electricity but have decided to come check out the festivities just this once.

Probably no tits will be flashed tonight at the Sixth Annual Family Television Awards, which honor Family Friendly Programming. Well, maybe there will be, but they'll be wholesome tits. No piercings. Nearly as interesting will be "John Mayer has a TV Show," premiering on VH-1, covering his life on the

 
 
 

road. My body is a wonderland? You're goddamn right.

Say happy birthday to Jakob Dylan, and while you're at it, ask him if his last name is actually Dylan, or if it's Zimmerman.

 

 

Friday

You lucky bastards on the coasts: Wes Anderson's The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou opens today. The rest of us have to wait until Christmas. Also premiering is Ocean's Twelve, and if you're not going to see it, screw you: Clooney, Damon and the rest had so much fun making it that they don't need you.

If you're in Chicago, come see The Naked Poetry Anti-Slam at 3829 N. Broadway , which "exerts a non-sexual, non-competitive maxim, encouraging authors to read as long as they'd like while audience patience is garnered by the furthered

 
 

honesty of the naked body." Hot? Deep? Excruciating? You make the call.

Today is the last day for you to register your school for the National Geographic Bee. For people who are, uh, really good at knowing where things are.

This day in history: 20 years ago, Desmond Tutu won the Nobel Peace Prize. Tutu much! Oh man, that never gets old.

Happy birthday Raven-Symone! Having a birthday: That's so Raven!

 

 

And a Bonus ... Saturday!

Happy birthday John Kerry! The funny thing about him is that actually, from this year on, he'll look younger and younger as he gets older and older, sort of like the old guy on "Mork and Mindy," so he has several happy years ahead of him.

Tonight, the Grateful Dead's charity, the Rex Foundation, has its 20th Anniversary Celebration in San Francisco. This would be a good night for you to fulfill your lifelong dream of picking up a rich chick in an apron dress.

 
 

This weekend, also, there will be no college football so you will have to find another excuse to get drunk and order jalapeno poppers. Here's one, if you need it: Because getting drunk is fun.

Finally, it's Tango Day in Buenos Aires. When you dip that fat woman, she'll feel better if you try not to groan as you do it.

 

Claire Zulkey is consistently funny on a daily basis at Zulkey.com.

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.