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  INCOMING! JANUARY 17, 2005.  
   
   
 

Monday

Since 1993, the third Monday in January has been marked off as the national holiday honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, the fallen civil rights and political activist who bravely endured an oppressive, unsympathetic nation in order to make this country a better place for all people. Many organizations and individuals around the country set aside this day to peacefully celebrate Dr. King's accomplishments and educate others on some of the unfinished work that still needs to be done 40 years after the civil rights movement. Many more people just go skiing.

But one of the more controversial celebrations will be the Congress of Racial Equality's annual dinner held in New York City, which has traditionally honored more conservative-minded personalities like radio host Bob Grant -- who once lambasted the idea of a national holiday for Dr. King -- and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani. This

 

 
 

year's speaker and honoree is Karl Rove, the political mastermind who is widely credited for getting George W. Bush re-elected in 2004. Rove will not only speak about the impact Dr. King had on his personal life and his career, but will also reveal some of the secrets behind his successful re-election strategy used for President Bush, which included hectoring to Evangelical shitkickers and keeping black people away from the voting booths. Smell the progress.

Speaking of being free at last, today is also the birthday of Ladan and Laleh Bijani, the affable Israeli twin sisters conjoined at the head, who tragically died soon after surgical separation in July 2003. In commemoration of their birthdays, a McDonald's in Persia will offer double cheeseburgers for 50 percent off.

 

 
 

Tuesday

The fourth season of "American Idol" begins tonight as karaoke superstars from across the country compete for the chance to be the next William Hung. Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Carson Daly-in-training Ryan Seacrest will all be back to ensure that American music continues to stay bland and non-threatening for one more year.

For your own personal enjoyment, try to spend the first night picking out the featured contestant most likely to have an embarrassing skeleton in their closet revealed by The Smoking Gun, completely shattering all their hopes and dreams of musical stardom.

Today is also National Popcorn day, which …

   
 

(HOCCCCCCCCCCCCK) … which for whatever reason has no information about its origin … (HOCCCCCCCCCKK) … or the reason it is held on January 19…(HOCCCCKKKKKK) but is often … (HOCCCKKKKKKK) ... also acknowledged on January 30… (PTOOOF!)

 

 
 

Wednesday

Break out the gun racks and the Yosemite Sam mud flaps, 'cuz it's Confederate Heroes Day. Acknowledged as a real holiday in Texas and celebrated on the birthday of General Robert "Eazy" E. Lee , this day pays tribute to the fallen heroes of the Civil War who bravely fought for the annexation of Texas and the right to own slaves. Crank up the Skynyrd and dump a 40 oz. out for all the dead hick homeys who sacrificed their lives for misguided regionalism.

Also celebrating a birthday is Dolly Parton, who, according to her Web site, will only turn 59 this

 
 
 

year. The real age of the very youthful-looking star of such hits like "9 to 5" and "I Will Always Love You" has been hotly debated. The questions about Ms. Parton's age were raised based on reports from her personal physician, who contends that if you count the rings around Ms. Parton's giant areolas, she will actually be turning 142 years old this year.

 

 
 

Thursday

It's on. President George W. Bush will be sworn in today by U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist and deliver his second inaugural address. Speaker Dennis Hastert will administer the oath of office to Vice President Dick Cheney. Joining them will be their families, members of the Cabinet and Administration, members of the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives, U.S. Supreme Court, Diplomatic Corps, Joint Chiefs of Staff and the reunited cast of 80s television sitcom "The Facts of Life."

Once the Presidential oath is taken, the military will

 
 
 

render a 21-gun salute, the Army Herald Trumpets will play "Four Ruffles and Flourishes", the U.S. Marine Band will play "Hail to the Chief " and it will all be capped off with a booty-shaking performance by rap star Twista.

Following the swearing-in ceremony, the President will join invited guests in Statuary Hall for the Congressional Luncheon. After lunch, the President will be escorted by U.S. Army Major General Galen Jackman to the east side of the U.S. Capitol for the pass in review, then onto the presidential motorcade for the start of the parade. After the parade, President Bush will head out to California to help good buddy Skeet Ulrich, star of Scream and Chill Factor, celebrate his 36th birthday.

 

 

Friday

Eleven years ago on this date, the rights of penises everywhere were hit with a major legal setback when Lorena Bobbitt, crazy-ass wife of John, was found not guilty after being charged with maliciously wounding her husband after she hacked off his defenseless member while he slept. Bobbitt claimed her husband had, on a separate occasion, raped her and that she was temporarily insane during the butchering. She was sentenced to a mental facility for 45 days, sparking protests and outrage from disgruntled penises everywhere.

 
 

Speaking of jewels of the Nile, Billy Ocean, 80s Caribbean pop star -- and one of the only dark-skinned men guilty of doing the white man's overbite -- turns 55 today. Ocean, a vocal penis supporter, has stated that he will wear a red ribbon around his own snake-like member throughout his birthday to bring attention to the continued injustice perpetuated by the Bobbitt case.

 

A.J. Daulerio is a managing editor of The Black Table.

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.