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  INCOMING! JANUARY 24, 2005.  
   
   
 

Monday

Today marks the 21st anniversary of Apple's Macintosh computer. That's right, the original Mac can legally drink today. Word has it the Apple IIe will be taking the youngster out to the local watering hole for an evening that will begin with the elder home-computer ordering its younger counterpart a Cement Mixer and will end with a severely inebriated Macintosh in bed with a divorced VIC-20 with a busted tape-drive.

Incidentally, across the room in the same bar, a lonely Eskimo Pie will celebrate its 83rd anniversary at a table for one, drunkenly

 
 
 

mumbling into a glass of Wild Turkey about the fact that Dove Bars and Blizzards "don't know shit about shit," before returning to an empty house and crying itself to sleep.

Finally, Monday is also the anniversary of the birth of personification. At 3192, it doesn't look a day over 2377!

 

 
 

Tuesday

As always, Tuesday is new release day in the world of music. And this week is a doozy for the hipster kids.

Looking for some rock? Then look no further than the latest from …And You Will Know Us by the Band Name that Takes a Long Time to Type Out. The follow-up to the band's 2002 break-out record "Source Tags & Codes," "Worlds Apart" promises more of the ambitious indie-rock that fans have come to expect from the Texans. In fact, the staff at Pitchfork Media received an advanced copy last week and has been in a tizzy ever since. At least

   
 

one Pitchfork intern has passed away already, though it's unclear if the young man's entire body spontaneously exploded upon hearing the album or if the senior editors sacrificed him as a show of thanks and allegiance to AYWKUBTTOD.

Are you one of those brooding hipsters? If so, you'll want to pick up the new record from Bonnie 'Prince' Billy, a.k.a., Will Oldham. The album, called "Superwolf," is actually a collaboration with Matt Sweeney, the guitarist from Chavez and Zwan. But don't worry, Superwolf is sure to feature the same eccentric beauty that made Oldham's past releases the music of choice for the suicidal.

Of course, if you're a kitsch-loving hipster, there's something for you too: LeAnn Rimes' "This Woman" hits stores today.

 

 
 

Wednesday

Happy Australia Day, or as the Aborigines call it, There Goes the Neighborhood Day. Most Americans are probably unaware, but January 26 is sort of like Australia's version of the Fourth of July, except it's in January, and in Australia, and it celebrates the arrival of ships teeming with surly British convicts upon the shores of the world's largest island, or as pessimists call it, the world's smallest continent.

So, how can you celebrate Australia day? Here are just a few suggestions:

 

 
 
 
  • Watch Quigley Down Under on a loop for 24 hours while listening to INXS's entire catalogue.
  • Pretend your refrigerator is Nicole Kidman, and your answering machine is Paul Hogan, and officiate the wedding of Oz's favorite son and daughter.
  • Fill your bathtub with Foster's and make love to a kangaroo in the sudsy bath.
 
 

Thursday

With concerts planned all across the world, many are aware that today is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's birthday. However, few know that January 27 is also the birthday Mimi Rogers, Alan Cumming and Rupert Boneham.

Furthermore, even fewer know that the 249-year-young composer, the busty former Mrs. Tom Cruise, the effeminate Scotsman and the burly reality-TV star traditionally get together on this date to share a Baskin Robbins ice-cream cake and plot world-domination at the hands of the so-called "1/27 Society", a diabolical amalgamation of lizard

 
 
 

people masquerading as celebrities.

 

 

Friday

Everything else this week is small potatoes compared to the events taking place in the Middle East this weekend. After months of anticipation, the Iraqi elections have finally arrived. By sundown, the bloodshed will have all ended and been more than worth it. Democracy will rain and reign throughout the nation before spontaneously spreading to the rest of the once-volatile region, much like Southeast Asia after the peace was won in Vietnam.

Don't worry about the insurgents or the "realistic" threat of civil war either. Once freedom begins

 
 

seeping into the streets of Iraq, every bullet in the land will suddenly transform into a brilliantly colored flower like none have ever seen before. And when independence begins pumping through the veins and hearts of the rebels, they'll gather the flowers and toss them at the feet of every Westerner they can find.

Mark my words: Peace is at hand. God will smile upon mankind today. Quagmire schmagmire.

 

Matthew Tobey is an editor for All Movie Guide and was one of the founders of the now-defunct Haypenny.com. He currently operates Matthew Tobey's The City of Floating Blogs and enjoys writing about himself in the third person.

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