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  INCOMING! APRIL 25, 2005.  
   
   
 

Monday

Today is National DNA day! This means it's a great day to figure out if you're gay/fat/black/sexy/bad at sports because of genetics, or if your parents just raised you like that.

Also on this fine day, the Lord giveth, and taketh away. Renee Zellweger was born this fine day in 1969, giving puffy-eyed girls with fluctuating weight everywhere a role model. But also, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes met her maker this day in 2002. Left Eye was always my favorite eye.

 
 
 

 

 
 

Tuesday

Interphex is meeting today in New York. It's difficult to divine what exactly Interphex is, but it apparently involves pharmaceuticals, taking over the world and drymouth. Also, I'm sorry to tell you that Stanford University's lecture Venture Capital Decisions: Network Triads, Transitivity & Referrals in China and Russia has been cancelled. So go home. GO. Turn around. Nothing to see here. Don't you start rioting now! Git!

 

   
 

Plus, this day in 1933, the Gestapo was established. I am not one to make jokes that are Holocaust-related, but if I were, I'd say something along the lines of, "Decades later, teenagers would gladly invoke the Gestapo when referring to their parents, (i.e. "Geez, what are you? The Gestapo?") Okay, nevermind.

 

 
 

Wednesday

This day in 1897, Grant's Tomb was opened to the public, which was really gross. To this day, nobody really knows who is buried there.

Today in 1981, the computer mouse was invented. I'm looking at my mouse right now! I wonder if it knows that its birthday is coming up. Of course it doesn't. It's just a stupid mouse, dummy.

Also on April 27 in 1997, Andrew Cunanan kicked off one of the most fashionable killing sprees in recent history, eventually murdering Gianni Versace. This also totally made the trip I made to Disneyworld that summer more exciting. Even more exciting than Space Mountain.

Today in Slovenia, citizens celebrate Day of Uprising Against Occupation. I wish I could stage an uprising against my occupation too, but I gotta

 

 
 

admit, the benefits are too great to pass up.

Finally, today is the Feast of St. Zita, an Italian saint from the thirteenth century. If somebody can explain to me what the difference between penne and St. Zita is, that would be great.

 

 
 

Thursday

Today, the Federal Election Committee is holding an open meeting, which will probably be sparsely attended, as the country has been all "electioned" out. We're over it.

Today is Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day! So take your child to work. And she'll find it hilarious if you pretend to 'accidentally' leave her there, too.

Today is also Worker's Memorial Day, the one day of the year where I don't complain about my job because I remember that some people have had it marginally worse.

This year in 1988, over Hawaii, a flight attendant was sucked out of an Aloha Airlines Boeing 737 and fell to her death when an upper part of the plane's cabin area ripped off in mid-flight. See,

 

 
 

someone has a worse job than you do.

Also, this day in 1996, President Bill Clinton gave a 4 1/2 hour videotaped testimony for the defense for the Whitewater scandal. And we thought THAT was a scandal! We were so innocent.

This day in 1950, Jay Leno was born. He is a personal hero of mine, which is why all the jokes in this piece are horrible. Dancing Itos! I still can't get enough of that.

 

 

Friday

Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton visits Milwaukee for Wisconsin Women in Government dinner. Meanwhile, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove attends Nevada Republican Party Lincoln Day dinner at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. At exactly the same time, Rove and Clinton each bite into a 'magical' chicken wing and they switch brains. Much hilarity ensues. Also, a nuclear war.

Today the federal government adds some teeth to the entertainment industry's effort to stop piracy when the U.S. District Court in DC hands down the first criminal sentences for illegal online file

 

sharing. The defendants face up to $250,000 in fines, up to five years in prison, the forced destruction of their equipment and bootleg recordings, and restitution to the victimized copyright holders. Later this year, the defendants, William R. Trowbridge and Michael Chicione will be forgiven in an emotional meeting on a special episode of "Oprah."

Today is also Arbor Day, so go hug a tree, you goddamn tree-hugger.

 

Weekend

Saturday marks the last day of Administrative Professionals Week. Hey, thanks a lot for the hilarious mug filled with Tootsie Rolls. It totally makes me see how much you appreciate me. Yeah, you just see how careful I am with your dry

 
 

cleaning next week.

Also, in a bit of serendipity today is Hairstyle Appreciation Day and National Honesty Day. So, nice haircut. Not.

To calm the uproar that followed when he suggested that innate sex differences may account in part for the paucity of women in the sciences, Harvard's' president, Lawrence Summers, established two task forces to tackle faculty gender disparities. They are due to report back Sunday, with recommendations expected to go into effect this fall. Main recommendation: make science less boring.

 

Claire Zulkey zulks daily at Zulkey.com.

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