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  INCOMING! MAY 16, 2005.  
   
   
 

Monday

Jesus Christ, what a Monday! Did you know that The Pentagon has estimated that 25 percent of the nation's military facililties are unnecessary? Now military towns all across the country are bracing for recommendations today by the Defense Department to the Base Realignment and Closure Commission -- the first round of proposed cuts since 1995. If the Pentagon has its way, this highly fraught process may cut 20 percent of remaining facilities, much to the consternation of members of Congress with bases in their districts. But fear not -- The Pentagon plans to rebuild these millitary bases on the outskirts of the hotly anticipated vacation spots Baghdad City and New Tikrit, scheduled to open in February 2010 just in time for spring break.

After a nine-year run, CBS will air the final episode of "Everyone Loves Raymond," apparently one of those Most Popular Sitcoms Of All Time that no one under the age of 45 has ever seen more than once. Wait. This just in: It's actually "Everybody Loves Raymond." The Black Table apologizes for this error. Well, anyway, best of luck to Ray Martino and the rest of the brilliant cast. It's been a great run, guys.

Also today the United Negro College Fund will

 


 
 

hold its 39th annual golf tournament benefittting, er, negros, held at the beautiful Quail Valley Country Club in Missouri City, Texas. It's a 9 a.m. shotgun start, but because Quail Valley is still a private club, any teams including African-American players will be required to tee off at dusk from the parking lot of the Wal-Mart shopping center just off of Highway 59. Best of luck to all participants.

 

 
 

Tuesday

Today Los Angelinos will know the results of their mayoral runoff election between incumbent Mayor James Hahn and challenger Antonio Villaraigosa. Like the 2001 election that he ultimately won, Hahn is trailing Villaraigosa heading into the runoff election. A Los Angeles Times poll released last week found the councilman leading Hahn, 51 percent to 40 percent, with 9 percent of likely voters undecided. Pollsters estimate many undecided voters are members of the popular L.A. gang the Crips, who plan to come out in full force to support their candidate, former N.W.A. rapper MC Ren, in a write-in vote, although runoff election rules prevent it.

On this date last year hundreds of gay and lesbian couples applied for marriage licenses in Massachusetts after it became the first state to allow same-sex marriages. Comers from all over held weddings in houses of worship, quarters of justices of peace, parks, farms and other venues. Fittingly, today also marks the 50th anniversary of the Supreme Court's decision Brown v Board of Education, which was also a watershed moment for civil rights in this country. This decision ended segregation in public schools and enabled some formerly white-only public schools to field decent basketball teams.

   
 

 

 
 

Wednesday

Even though Pope John Paul II nee Karol Wojtyla is no longer around to party like it's his birthday, he still has a good chance of becoming a saint before the year is out. Last week, new Pope Benedict XVI authorized the start of the process for the beatification and canonization of PJP2, without waiting for the usual five years needed after death before the process can start. So, Santo Subito, motherfuckers! It's his birthday.

Today is also national No Dirty Dishes day which either means it is the longest day of the year for professional dishwashers, or one of the most

 
 
 

lucrative business days for paper plate salesmen. You decide.

 

 
 

Thursday

When I was about four years old, I would wake up in the morning and walk into my parent's bathroom to take a morning pee. Sometimes my father would forget to flush the toilet after he got out of the shower, so there would be some lingering refuse in the bowl once I got there. Instead of flushing the toilet and going on with my business, I would instead play a little game with the floating turds and try to blast them out of the water with my own urine stream. On some occassions the doodies would explode from a direct hit, breaking into tiny little pieces and coloring the water a cool looking smoky brown. And sometimes they would just be lazily pushed around the bowl, maintaining their original form and shape. My father was apparently in quite a hurry (and very regular) in those days, because this would happen more than once a week. I looked forward to those mornings, letting my imagination run wild, imagining myself fighting off the dreaded Poop Monster that had once again climbed up through the sewer system and attempted to live in the toilet. When Star Wars came out, my wiener beame a lightsaber, and I imagined the pieces of poo were brown storm troopers sent to take over my family's shower and steal my mother's hand towels. I never let them win. Never.

So, think about this story as you wait in line to see

 


 
 

Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, which opens in theaters today.

 

 

Friday

Today is the 16th anniversary of the death of "Saturday Night Live" comedienne Gilda Radner. Bad day for Radner's fans and Gene Wilder, but a great one for cancer-filled vaginas! Thanks to Ms. Radner's hard fought battle with ovarian cancer, the Gilda's Club house was formed, giving a place for cancer victims to congregate, laugh, cry and talk about, um, spinal taps and shit.

And in other c-word events, Sen. Hilary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) hosts a $100/person reelection campaign fundraiser entitled "Friday Night Live," at Capitale in New York City. Break out your best

 
 

stained black dress and beret show your support for Hilary.

 

A.J. Daulerio is a managing editor of The Black Table.

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.