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  INCOMING! JUNE 6, 2005.  
   
   
 

Monday

Today is the anniversary of D-Day. In case all the "Price is Right" episodes you've been watching since summer vacation started have eclipsed all your history lessons, I'm talking about World War II. You know, when the French were our friends, and we bailed their asses out of wars and stuff. Anyway on this day in 1944, the "walking six miles to school in shoes made of rusty nails" generation decided to stop fucking around and start winning the damn war. Allied forces stormed the banks of Normandy and cracked the Nazi hold on Western Europe. In addition, the invasion created several memorable movie roles, most of which involved

 
 
 

John Wayne fighting Indians.

 

 
 

Tuesday

New Jersey has its gubernatorial primary today. Normally this wouldn't be worth mentioning to those outside the land of Bon Jovi and the boss, but come on, NJ politics were so much fun last year. Remember when Gov. James McGreevey up and outed himself on national TV, and then relinquished the throne of the Garden State to that Cody guy? And you totally thought that he was just going to confess to doing something naughty with his campaign funds.

Keeping with surprising and less-than-straight things, today Katie Couric gets to ask Angelina Jolie about her adorable little Cambodian kid, her new movie and the size of Brad Pitt's little Trojan.

Last year, while covering the premiere of the movie Alexander, I got the chance to touch Angelina Jolie on the shoulder very briefly. She was pretty and felt all-silky-like and, well, it kind a got me thinking about trying things that good little straight girls from Ohio aren't supposed to think about trying after college. But Angelina's eyes were all sparkly like cut sapphires and she smelled like flowers and stuff … Anyway, suffice to say I'll be watching the "Today" show.

 



 
 

 

 
 

Wednesday

On this day in the year 632, the prophet Mohammed, the founder of Islam, died. I hear Newsweek has some "close sources" who think that the US guards at Guantanamo Bay may have had a thing or two to do with it.

The 12th Annual Rock The Vote Awards take place today in Washington D.C. The organization was founded in 1990 to get lazy 18-29 year-olds all jazzed to slip their ballets in the box. According the Rock people, 2004 was the highest youth turnout in decades. Depending on your politics, this might make you wish that they'd just kept their *&?!!!*9 stinking pie-holes closed, but I digress.

Among those getting gold stars at this year's awards are the two senators that everyone can agree on: John McCain and Barack Obama. Also honored is President Bill Clinton: I'll let you insert your own joke about his hands on-involvement

   
 

with America's youth. Also, The Black-Eyed Peas are being honored: Who knew that there was a political rallying cry to "Shut-Up?"

 

 
 

Thursday

NBA FINALS!!! Dude, are we still playing basketball? You've got to be kidding. It's like 90 degrees out, we're halfway through baseball season, and the city's garbage smell is in full bloom. It seems like eons ago that Ron Artest smacked up those pesky Detroit fans. Anyway it looks as though San Antonio and either Miami or Detroit will run up and down the court for four to seven games, then TNT can go back to showing 18 hours a day of "Law & Order" reruns.

And it has been 25 years since potty-mouthed, rubber-faced comedian Richard Pryor's infamous "free-base" cocaine incident. You remember the one? When he set himself on fire and ran down the block all naked and scorching? Though third-degree burns covered half of his body, he managed to pull it together enough for that juicy role opposite the late great Christopher Reeve in Superman III.

 

 
 

 

 

 
 

Friday

At long last, the wait is over, I -- I mean we -- can finally see Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Will evidence of their spontaneous-combustion-inducing passion simmer over onscreen???? Will they publicly confess their love by mounting each other on the red carpet for the premiere? Enquiring minds want to know, and even if yours doesn't, expect the tabloids to have plenty to say on the subject.

Poor betrayed Jennifer Aniston and I might just need a drink after the whole affair, but should she have a little too much, she'll be in luck. Alcoholics Anonymous was founded today in Akron, Ohio by William G. Wilson and Dr. Robert Smith in 1935. You know AA; that's where all your lame friends who don't drink anymore go for those meetings, and then they ask for forgiveness and stuff.

Speaking of beer-soaked fiestas: Over the weekend, George Bush Senior turns 80! (He's W's dad, for those of you who were clueless until the good people of Rock the Vote got you politically hot and bothered.) No one knows for sure how the elder Bushie will spend the day, but I'm willing to bet it won't involve broccoli or any of those nifty scanner devices at the supermarket. To commemorate Dad's birthday, President Bush might just invade another sovereign nation that once gave dad a dirty look, and grand twins Jena and Barbara might just get sloppy drunk and fall out of their clothes in celebration.

It's your patriotic duty to go out on some bender and rock a Bush twin this weekend. Should you

 



 
 

catch yourself on fire and hit rock bottom, we'll see you in a meeting on Monday!

 

Shari Goldhagen's first novel, Family And Other Accidents, will be released by Doubleday Books in April 2006. The dedication reads: "To Angelina Jolie, who inspires me on a twice-daily basis, usually once in the shower, and once right before I go to bed."

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.