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  INCOMING! AUGUST 1, 2005.  
   
   
 

Monday

On this day in 1971, George Harrison organized the Concert for Bangladesh in New York City. The concert pulled together many famous artists of the day, including Bob Dylan and Eric Clapton. However, the most memorable thing about the concert was that the world learned that the nation formerly known as East Pakistan was actually pronounced with an "ah" sound in the "bang" part, not unlike something you'd do to a sexy woman named "Ladesh" after you get a couple of drinks in her.

Back in 1936, the stadium torch was lit, marking the official beginning of the XI Olympic Games in Berlin, Germany. In addition to being famous as the first Olympics to feature knockwurst vendors, these Olympic Games are famous, of course, for Jesse Owens' sprint to glory. He netted four gold medals in Track and Field at the games, earning a famous snub from Chancellor Adolf Hitler at the medal ceremony and the adoration of the Free World. Of course, as a black American, Owens was thrown a huge parade for his striking blow to Fascism and then thrown out of a restaurant for trying to use the white bathroom.

Also, today, Congress officially goes on recess. This leaves President Bush the ability and time to appoint all the people that Congress wouldn't let him while they were hanging around D.C. screwing things up for him with their "paying attention" to the "Constitution." Many believe that the highly controversial appointment of John R. Bolton to the post of U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations may come as early as next week, though sources close

 



 
 

to the president believe that he may appoint Randy "Macho Man" Savage.

 

 
 

Tuesday

In what was perhaps the greatest victory for people who can't stay hunched over for a terribly long time or are just too damn lazy to tie their goddamn shoes, Velcro was invented on this day in 1955 by a Swiss scientist. Velcro consists of two sides: the "hook" side (that's the harder plasticky side) and the "loop" side (that's the fuzzy side). They are also sometimes called "posi-cro" and "neg-cro," but apparently no one knows which side is which. Velcro: the invention so lazy, even the inventors didn't finish naming it.

And in what is perhaps the greatest day of infamy in the lives of both Presidents Bush, Iraq invaded Kuwait on this day in 1990. George Sr. doesn't like this day because it started the First Gulf War, redirected his attention from the recession at home to the war abroad and led to his unseating at the hands of Bill Clinton. George Jr. doesn't like this day because he knocked over his bong getting out

 

 
 

of bed in the morning, ruined an energy company in the afternoon and the Houston Outback Steakhouse had a 45-minute wait that night. Some days are worse than others.

 

 
 

Wednesday

Today, the Young Democrats of America national convention kicks off. Former Gov. and Chairman of the Democratic National Committee Howard Dean, House Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Illinois Sen. Barack Obama and Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco, Calif., are all scheduled as speakers. Lecture topics include "Wow, This Is an Empty Room," "Why Isn't Anyone Here" and "Seriously, We Spent a Lot of Money on This Convention."

I kid the Young Democrats. According to their website, they are expecting a great turnout and have already booked all 500 spots that they reserved. Of course, 250 of them were reserved by Karl Rove under names like "D. Mocrats Suk" and "Craven Morehead."

In 1958, the nuclear submarine USS Nautilus dived at Point Barrow, Alaska and traveled nearly 1,000 miles beneath the Arctic ice cap before re-emerging in Iceland. Due to its atomic energy source which required no air and very limited fuel, the Nautilus could stay submerged for virtually unlimited periods of time. This marked the first time someone had gone down on something that cold for that long since Franklin Delano and Eleanor Roosevelt were in the White House. (Topical, no?)

And if this day seemed just a little neater than normal, perhaps that's because on this day a Polish couple welcomed a new little girl into the world. They named her Martha Helen Kostyra, and after her subsequent marriage, she'd become and remain Martha Stewart for the rest of her days.

   
 

According to reports, Martha plans to spend a quiet day at home with her daughter Alexis. The Arctic Ice Cap/Martha Stewart/August 3 joke practically writes itself, so take this opportunity to make your own. Right now, I'm partial to "The USS Nautilus's historic trip was almost thrown off track when radar directed it to Martha Stewart's house."

 

 
 

Thursday

If the theme of death by contagious virus wasn't inappropriate enough for your nursery rhymes (see "Ring Around the Rosy"), use today to thank Lizzie Borden. On this day in 1862, Borden's wealthy family was found chopped to bits in their Fall River, Massachusetts home. Despite overwhelming forensic, circumstantial and anecdotal evidence against her, Lizzie Borden was acquitted of the charges in just 90 minutes. Although she was acquitted of murder, she's 100 percent guilty of being the subject of the most horrible nursery rhyme ever.

Lizzie Borden took an axe
Gave her mother forty wacks
When she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one

America's favorite "skinny kid with the funny name," Barack Obama, turns 44 today. Obama,

 

 
 

the junior senator from Illinois, is the son of a Kenyan father and a Kansan mother. His mixed background, squeaky clean image and remarkable presence have made him a rising star in the Democratic Party, although to be fair, that's about as impressive as winning the marathon by taking the bus to the finish line.

 

 
 

Friday

Any act that inspires a maudlin Elton John song deserves mention. On this day in 1962, Marilyn Monroe was found dead in her Los Angeles home. The buxom blonde was found naked, face down on her bed, sleeping pills in one hand, telephone in the other. Though her death was ruled an "apparent suicide," conspiracy theories regarding her death abound. Did John and/or Robert Kennedy kill her? Did Joe DiMaggio? Were the Teamsters involved? The world will never know. One thing, however, is certain: She was a mediocre actress with lousy comedic timing.

Today is also Sisters Day. If you have a sister, give her a call and let her know that despite the fact that she pointed out where I kept my Playboys to our parents and sold me out time and time again . . . Where was I? If you don't have any sisters of your own, perhaps try going to your local church and giving some of the nuns a foot massage. If you feel uncomfortable with feet (or nuns), try some Doublemint gum. Personally, I always liked the twin sisters that rode the bicycles, but if you like the ones that went canoeing, think of them instead.

Finally, speaking of on-screen relatives, Bo and Luke Duke hit the big-screen today with the

 



 
 

release of The Dukes of Hazzard. If you're like me, you think some things are better left dead and buried. If you're like Hollywood, you have no problem recycling the chronicles of two hicks being chased by an incompetent deputy and his gluttonous boss for no crime other than owning a car that you need to enter through a window.

 

Geoff Wolinetz is an editor at Yankee Pot Roast.

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.