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  INCOMING! SEPTEMBER 19, 2005.  
   
   
 

Monday

Parents of teenaged girls who dress like hookers can freak out right … about ... now! John "candy is dandy but the Rohm RG-14 revolver is quicker" Hinckley Jr. goes before a judge today to determine whether or not he's healthy enough to go visit his Mom in Virginia. Hinckley has already been granted the right to stay with his folks at hotels around his permanent home at St. Elizabeth's Hospital for the Seriously Fucking Nuts in Washington, D.C., but now he'd like to go on a little road trip, if that's OK. Hinckley got his trading card by plugging Ronald Reagan in 1981, if you recall, in order to impress Jodie Foster, who is so not attracted to psychopaths, especially (allegedly) ones with penises.

John's a little bummed out, because he just broke up with his girlfriend, a fellow guest of the state who was in the hoo-hoo-hoosegow for killing her 10-year-old daughter. Pfff! We've all been there, right? What if we went running home to Mommy every time our murdering exes broke up with us? Also, John? Jodie is still unimpressed. Just FYI.

Holy Washed Up D-List Celebrities, Batman! It's Adam West's 77th birthday today. Actually, it seems rather cruel to characterize West as "washed up." How far can you fall from playing an ambiguously gay caped crusader on a TV show with a lower per-episode budget than our monthly take home pay? And that's adjusted for inflation. Even the movie -- yes, there was a movie, we saw it when we were kids, on TV-38 in Boston, home of the Creature Double Feature -- was so ghettolicious that it featured a sequence in which a dolphin saved our intrepid heroes ... off-screen, as actual dolphins are so demanding about their trailers and having white rose petals strewn in their toilets and so on.

Arrr! Last but not least, mateys! Today is also Talk Like a Pirate Day. Avast! Grog! Arrr! Um, other things as well. We're willing to get a parrot. Wait -- do parrots poop? Then forget it. This is a new shirt.

 




 
 

 

 
 

Tuesday

The Federal Open Market Committee meets today in Washington, D.C. to discuss interest rates. This means something to people who are ever going to own property, to which we can only say, enjoy your boring little lives. We have cute new pants and places to go.

Look for conservatives in Crystal City, Va. to git down today, as they salute former Senator Jesse Helms in the usual manner: dinner, drinks, dancing, eating babies, sticking it to the little guy, guzzling crude oil, planning wars, mocking black people, etc. Helms has the distinction of holding the most "formers" of any erstwhile senator in our history: former senator, natch, former Democrat (really!) and former journalist. Betcha didn't know that. Helms' tenure in the fourth estate included such glorious feats of journalism as doctoring photos to make it appear as though North Carolina Senator Frank Porter Graham's wife had once danced with an actual Negro. This caused Graham to lose the election to Helms' pal Willis Smith, which in turn caused Smith to offer Helms a job as his administrative assistant in Washington, which was the beginning of Helms' political career. The entire affair caused the Lord Jesus to smite North Carolina, but only in our head.

Drink up, Jesse! The one on the left is the hemlock.

Yeeeah, why don't you go ahead and beat a six-year-old movie to death today? It's Gary Cole's birthday. He got paid about 37 cents and a packet of Fruit Rollups for playing your favorite of his 53 parts, but I'm sure he's not at all bitter about it. This is a man who is willing to wear a 70's era permed Brady wig and polyester for a part, so you know he's a professional. Take a piece of cake and just pass.

Today in 1891, the first gasoline-powered car made its debut in Springfield, Mass. Also on this date in 1891: Marty McFly failed to interfere in the courtship of Scott Pierce and Mabel Marvin. This would eventually lead to the birth of Barbara (Pierce) Bush, and thus to the birth of George W. Bush. Somewhere, 114 years ago, little Bushie twinkled brightly in God's eye and whispered, "At last! I have the means to RULE THE WORLD!!!"

 




 
 

 

 
 

Wednesday

Former President Clinton and former Senator Bob Dole will host a fundraising gala for Bennett College for Women in Greensboro, N.C., today. Publicly, they'll banter good-naturedly like the best of rivals. Privately, Bubba will be all like, "Bob, I just wanted to say how deeply moved I am by your willingness to put the past behind you and join forces with me to support one of our nation's greatest natural resources: Hot Young Pootie. Now about this Viagra. If a guy had, say, a heart condition, should he maybe not use this stuff? QUICK! I have a very important 'fund'-raising gala of my own to attend in about half an hour."

Meanwhile, the missus Cinton will be observing her 300-mile restraining order by going to D.C. to speak at the 35th annual conference of the Congressional Black Caucus. Expect the microphones to pick up the following conversation:

"Where are we today? The Congressional Black what? Whatever. Just give me my cards. I don't care if it's the International Knitting Society of Pigfuckers. I'll talk to anyone. I stayed married to Fuckface for this, and I WILL BE PRESIDENT."

Today is also the 67th anniversary of the Great New England Hurricane, which is one of the top 10 hurricanes of all time. Bet you didn't know New England had one of the top 10 hurricanes of all time, did you? Well, they don't like to brag. Not like you, you heathen. Now put on this funny hat and get back to work.

Benedict Arnold, whose eggs are so splendid, gave the British the plans to West Point today in 1780. He was forced to relocate to Britain, for obvious reasons, where it's cold and the food sucks. He was totally shocked to find that the British didn't exactly trust him, after all that, or say, like him at all. Listen, Benny: Nobody likes a snitch.

   
 

 

 
 

Thursday

Listen up, bloggers! Today is Dear Diary day, and you know what that means: It's time to dig out all your old diaries from middle school and post them on the Internets. Observe, as you do, that you still have a crush on someone named Mikey, who still picks his nose, and has a bowl-cut; that Jessica is still, like the biggest cooze, and who does she think she is; and that you have recently purchased several new items and have gone on a diet. Why don't you tell us all about it? It's fascinating, we swear to you. Put it in a list.

The Band-Aid was invented today in 1921. After making fun of hurricanes, bloggers and the Clintons, and suggesting that retired senators drink poisonous beverages, we expect to need many.

A preliminary version of the Emancipation Proclamation was released today in 1862. It gave a basic outline of the full document to follow, which actually only immediately freed six slaves and gave a guy named Herbie a sandwich, but which was nonetheless very well-written and would ultimately bring about the end of slavery in the U.S.

Today is also the 25th anniversary of Iraq invading Iran. Or was that Iran invading Iraq? Or wait: Was there an Afghanistan then? Cuz maybe they were involved. Or were they, like, part of Russia? Jesus Christ, we don't know. Someone invaded someone, and it sucked. Maybe we should just cordon off the Middle East with crime scene tape and go get a drink. Whaddaya say?

 


 
 

 

 
 

Friday

Meanwhile, at the Halls of Justice, President Bush rubs his paws together and decides which military bases will get the ax. As he does so, Dick Cheney will attempt to explain to him, using an abacus, a map, a PowerPoint presentation and some Play-Doh, why it's more or less impossible to invade every country on the planet without, oh, an army. Good luck, Dick!

Saturday, two antiwar groups, United for Peace and Justice and A.N.S.W.E.R, will hold a rally and march in front of the White House to protest the Iraq War. Dubya will glower from behind a heavy curtain, look out at the mass of hippies on his front lawn and call his Daddy on his cell phone: "They're still out there! I bet they're smoking pot. You told me if I went to New Orleans people would like me again. That's it: I'm going back to my ranch. Cows can't vote."

Today is also the first day of Fall! This means that we can put our clothes back

 


 
 

 

Jen Hubley rocks it daily at JennieSmash.com.

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INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.