back to the Black Table
               
  INCOMING! JANUARY 16, 2005.  
   
   
 

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Day so the Black Table took the day off to not only honor the dopest black man to ever walk the planet, but also to celebrate the Golden Globes. We combined both auspicious events by having an awards party at our house and required everyone attending to dress as their favorite historical African-American. Eric Gillin dressed as Rosa Parks, Will Leitch as that guy that invented the peanut and Aileen Gallagher came as Amos and Andy. Good times were had by all. We hope you enjoyed your Martin Luther King day as well, marching, praying, singing, or even just sitting at home with a gravity bong watching Friday. It all counts for something.

 
 

Tuesday

On this day back in 1977, Gary Gilmore, a career criminal who had murdered an elderly couple because they would not lend him their car, was the first person to be executed in Utah since the end of the ban on state executions. Defiantly facing a firing squad, Gilmore's last words to his executioners before they shot him through the heart were "Let's do it.", which were, of course, are probably the coolest final words ever recorded.

And then Nike twisted them around and made it all positive. We're sure that our own final words if faced in front of a firing squad would be more along the lines of "Mommy!" followed by whimpering and intense pants-wetting. So, kudos to Gary Gilmore for his manliness.

Tonight, show off your own manliness by watching the world premiere of the new season of America's favorite toothless music program, American Idol. Is there any chance there will ever be another Kelly Clarkson from this pull of contestants? No. However, we're quite sure that there is another Clay Aiken in this world, which should be noted by members of the Utah state prison firing squad. If you act quickly, you can prevent anything along the lines of Claymate Nation happening again.

 


 
 

 

 
 

Wednesday

On this date in 1998, internet snoop Matt Drudge broke the Monica Lewinsky/Bill Clinton scandal, showing the power of internet reporting, the beauty of anonymous sources and popularizing the Cuban cigar as a sex toy.

Tonight you can also watch has-been celebrities almost injure themselves as Fox premieres "Skating With Celebrities'', capitalizing on the popularity of ABC's surprise hit "Dancing With the Stars". This batch of budding fruitcakes includes former Olympian Bruce Jenner, former Diff'rnt Strokes star Todd Bridges, and Dave Coulier of Full House and Alanis Morrisette blow-job fame. If this goes well, NBC's "Celebrity Rodeo Clown" and CBS's "Curling with the Stars" will be sure to follow.

And happy birthday to comedian Dave Attell, who on this date in 1965 was born into this world, presumably smoking a cigarette and doing a shot of Cuervo and with the same amount of hair on his head he has today.

   
 

 

 
 

Thursday

And those of you out there who are huge fans of South Korean politics will be elated to know that South Korean Foreign Minister Ban Ki-moon visits and will meet with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to bad mouth North Korea the whole time. Kim Jong Il's ears will be burning, indeed. Moon is also expected to meet UN Secretary Kofi Annan in New York to discuss diplomatic policy, shop in Chinatown for fake Kate Spade bags, lunch at Pastis and go to Scores and then round out the evening at The Dark Room where he will drunkenly scrawl on the bathroom wall "Kim is a bloody cunt."

On this date in 1955, word geeks were finally presented a game that would capitalize on their mastery of the words "kex" and "zymurgy", as Scrabble is unleashed upon the world.

Of course, no January 19th would be complete without wishing a happy birthday to another former "Full House" star, Jodie Sweetin, who turns 24 today. For those of you who haven't noticed, Sweetin has also blossomed into a total hot piece of trim. It's amazing that Stamos doesn't get his act together now that he's single and just play Dirty Uncle Jesse with all of his sitcom nieces. Do it for people like us, Stamos. Christ.

 


 
 

 

 
 

Friday

Last year at this time, God-fearing America rejoiced as George W. Bush was officially inaugurated for his second term as President of the United States. It's been amazing year for G.W., who despite a plummeting popularity rating, continues to win the war in Iraq and protects our great nation from, um, whatever it is those dastardly Iraqis threatened.

And what better way to revel in our inevitable victory over the Iraqis than to celebrate Penguin Awareness Day. The website suggests talking about penguins or watching penguin documentaries to commemorate it. We suggest giving Danny Devito a great, big hug.

And for those of you who dressed in all black and listened to Ministry in high school, Underworld: Evolution opens today. Why not multi-task and take an Iraqi penguin to the screening?

 

 
 

 

A.J. Daulerio is a managing editor of The Black Table.

***

INCOMING! runs every Monday on The Black Table.