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  SOMETHING RIGHT-WING THIS WAY COMES? PUBLISHING GOES CONSERVATIVE.  
   
   
   
  The breakaway success of such conservative skewed titles like Bill O'Reilly's The No Spin Zone and bestsellers by Ann Coulter, Mike Savage and others has ushered in a wave of political publishing unseen since the days of Adam Smith. Prominent publishing houses Crown and Penguin have launched conservative imprints and Bookspan, the largest book club provider in the world, has responded to the conservative trend by announcing a right-wing themed club.

Double agents inside the incestuous world of publishing have slipped The Black Table a copy of what's in the pipeline, which we've published here in the hopes that we can roust someone from the left who isn't Al Franken or that communist manatee Michael Moore into writing a book.

 

 
 

The Devil Wears Brooks Brothers, by Ari Fleisher.

The first Bookspan release is a novel written by the newly resigned Ari Fleisher, who based the tale on a fictional press secretary who works for a fictional President of what is referred to as a "major western superpower." The plot unfolds through a series of vignettes where the noble press secretary "Larry" has to manage a boss whose biggest skill is giving media reporters cannon fodder. After the President calls a full meeting of the Cabinet after suggesting Uruguay deserves to be obliterated after its leader "looked at him funny" and asserts

 
 

to the U.N. that Belgium is a "made up country," Larry rescues the free world by quieting his boss with a tin of Skoal.

 

 
 

The Insiders, by Richard Perle

Penguin's series of reissued classics -- edited by notable Conservative thinkers who offer minor adjustments to "improve the books" -- kicks off with Richard Perle's fresh take on S.E. Hinton's classic novel The Outsiders." Dubbed The Insiders, the climax of Perle's adaptation includes a resounding thumping of the Greasers by the upwardly mobile Socs. In the end, the conflict can only be resolved when orphan protagonist "Ponyboy" and brother "Sodapop" find proper church run foster care and the military-industrial complex is sated with trillion-dollar defense contracts.

 

 
 

 

2004, by John Ashcroft

The most highly anticipated of Penguin's classics comes from John Ashcroft, who tweaks George Orwell's 1984, to represent his version of the not so different future. In Ashcroft's classic, "Big Brother" is "not such a bad guy" and "Winston's" experience in the "Ministry of Love," now referred to as "Camp X-Ray," is warranted when he is suspected of having ties to alleged sympathizers of alleged terrorist sympathizers. This novel is sure to make you doublethink Orwell's version.

 
 

 

Jack Ryan's Endless Armageddon, by Tom Clancy

Due to increased demand, Tom Clancy will now publish a five-inch thick novel every 10 days. A spokesperson for Tyndale House stated that they would keep churning out their bestselling "Armageddon" series as fast as "the monkeys can work the typewriters."

 
 

The Giving to the Rich Tree, by Arnold Schwarzenegger

Beauty and the White Christian Heterosexual Male of the Same Species, by Sen. Rick Santorum

Not to be shown up by Madonna and Jamie Lee Curtis, right wing celebrities are gearing up to release a raft of children's books. Arnold Schwarzenegger will publish a reexamination of Shel Siverstein's classic The Giving Tree, recast as The Giving to the Rich Tree. In this version the tree will only provide free apples and use of its trunk to the richest 1% of children, and imposes

 
 

mandatory sentencing on young hoodlums defacing the tree with carvings of hearts. And Penguin will publish Sen. Santorum's Beauty and the Christian Heterosexual Male of the Same Species, a retelling of Beauty and the Beast, which the Senator never cared for due to its flagrant suggestion of "Beauty-on-Beast" relations.

 

 
 

George W. Bush's Presidential Memoir

The deal has been kept under wraps, but in the months to come, Crown Forum will announce a major coup, finalizing a deal with George W. Bush for his post-presidential memoir. Sources close to the deal say that negotiations nearly fell apart when W. demanded that the book be released as a pop-up. The working title? It Takes a Village Idiot.

 
 

 

 

*BT*