|SOMETHING RIGHT-WING THIS WAY COMES? PUBLISHING GOES CONSERVATIVE.|
|By Aaron Kaufman||
|Art Devin Clark|
|The breakaway success of such
conservative skewed titles like Bill O'Reilly's The No Spin Zone and
bestsellers by Ann Coulter, Mike Savage and others has ushered in a wave
of political publishing unseen since the days of Adam Smith. Prominent publishing
houses Crown and Penguin have launched conservative imprints and Bookspan,
the largest book club provider in the world, has responded to the conservative
trend by announcing a right-wing themed club.
Double agents inside the incestuous world of publishing have slipped The Black Table a copy of what's in the pipeline, which we've published here in the hopes that we can roust someone from the left who isn't Al Franken or that communist manatee Michael Moore into writing a book.
The Devil Wears Brooks Brothers, by Ari Fleisher.
The first Bookspan release is a novel written by the newly resigned
Ari Fleisher, who based the tale on a fictional press secretary who
works for a fictional President of what is referred to as a "major
western superpower." The plot unfolds through a series of vignettes
where the noble press secretary "Larry" has to manage a boss
whose biggest skill is giving media reporters cannon fodder. After the
President calls a full meeting of the Cabinet after suggesting Uruguay
deserves to be obliterated after its leader "looked at him funny"
to the U.N. that Belgium is a "made up country," Larry rescues the free world by quieting his boss with a tin of Skoal.
The Insiders, by Richard Perle
Penguin's series of reissued classics -- edited by notable Conservative thinkers who offer minor adjustments to "improve the books" -- kicks off with Richard Perle's fresh take on S.E. Hinton's classic novel The Outsiders." Dubbed The Insiders, the climax of Perle's adaptation includes a resounding thumping of the Greasers by the upwardly mobile Socs. In the end, the conflict can only be resolved when orphan protagonist "Ponyboy" and brother "Sodapop" find proper church run foster care and the military-industrial complex is sated with trillion-dollar defense contracts.
2004, by John Ashcroft
The most highly anticipated of Penguin's classics comes from John Ashcroft,
who tweaks George Orwell's 1984, to represent his version of
the not so different future. In Ashcroft's classic, "Big Brother"
is "not such a bad guy" and "Winston's" experience
in the "Ministry of Love," now referred to as "Camp X-Ray,"
is warranted when he is suspected of having ties to alleged sympathizers
of alleged terrorist sympathizers. This novel is sure to make you doublethink
Jack Ryan's Endless Armageddon, by Tom Clancy
Due to increased demand, Tom Clancy will now publish a five-inch thick
novel every 10 days. A spokesperson for Tyndale House stated that they
would keep churning out their bestselling "Armageddon" series
as fast as "the monkeys can work the typewriters."
The Giving to the Rich Tree, by Arnold Schwarzenegger
Beauty and the White Christian Heterosexual Male of the Same Species, by Sen. Rick Santorum
Not to be shown up by Madonna and Jamie Lee Curtis, right wing celebrities
are gearing up to release a raft of children's books. Arnold Schwarzenegger
will publish a reexamination of Shel Siverstein's classic The Giving
Tree, recast as The Giving to the Rich Tree. In this version
the tree will only provide free apples and use of its trunk to the richest
1% of children, and imposes
mandatory sentencing on young hoodlums defacing the tree with carvings of hearts. And Penguin will publish Sen. Santorum's Beauty and the Christian Heterosexual Male of the Same Species, a retelling of Beauty and the Beast, which the Senator never cared for due to its flagrant suggestion of "Beauty-on-Beast" relations.
George W. Bush's Presidential Memoir
The deal has been kept under wraps, but in the months to come, Crown
Forum will announce a major coup, finalizing a deal with George W. Bush
for his post-presidential memoir. Sources close to the deal say that
negotiations nearly fell apart when W. demanded that the book be released
as a pop-up. The working title? It Takes a Village Idiot.