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Sexually frustrated men: I've been reading your memos, and you're going about this the wrong way. Trust me. You've been taking advice from other dudes, and unless you're interested in fucking other dudes (which I have very few tips on), you might want to consider going straight to the source: me. I am by birth a female, with two tits and a fully functional va-jay. I'd say that qualifies me as an expert in what women are attracted to, and as such, my insight into your dilemma might prove to be valuable. So take these suggestions to heart, and apply directly to the affected area.

Read what he said to do.


#1. The Way to a Woman's Heart is
Through the Right Sweater.

I can't stress this enough. I know; it seems silly and frivolous. But if you'd just take my word for it, you'd be too busy rocking the box springs to read some article about how to get pussy. Believe what I'm telling you: pick out the perfect sweater and wear the shit out of it. Not every sweater works on every guy, but the right one for you will work 100% of the time. You just have to find the right sweater for your body. Your best bet is to get the opinion of an honest and objective female friend, which if you are reading this, I'm guessing you have plenty of. The sweater says "I tried" but not "I try too hard." It should be casually stylish, but worn-in and comfy enough for a girl to want to borrow on a chilly evening. Not that you should ever take it off. Oh no. Don't take any chances. Once she gets that sweater off you, you may never see her (or it) again.


#2. Keep Up.

Ladies can't get enough of smart guys. Not guys who think they're smart, but actual smart guys. So if you are a little short in the brains department, you better study up, pal. Read the papers, check out some books, pay attention to music, film, and art. You can't talk to a girl if you don't have anything to say. Don't be afraid of a real conversation - nothing pretentious or preachy, but don't agree with everything she says, either. I know it's hard for some of you to conceptualize, but listening and having something interesting to say are two very big keys to sexual attraction. I mean, maybe you're not everything in the looks department, okay? But you've seen enough gorgeous women dating trolls to know that it isn't just about looks to us. We see a dumpy guy in a cute sweater who just happens to know something about the book we just read, and who can hold a conversation without seeming creepy or desperate -- there is nothing short of a raging venereal disease that will keep us from fucking you. I promise.


#3. Stay Clear of Venereal Diseases.

If it's too late for you, wear a condom and tell the truth.


#4. Leave Your Game at Home.

Let's just drop the entire idea that you have to "play" to be a playa; that there is a winner and a loser in this equation. Because with that in mind, your "winning" the sex makes her the loser. And haven't you already fucked enough losers? The women who want to be played are not women you want to fuck. I don't care how hot they are. Seriously. Stop trying to fuck them. Stop it. They're selfish in bed, and they expect you to pay for everything; they've formulated all kinds of bullshit rules that they aren't allowed to disclose, but that you're expected to follow anyway. It's a mess. And it's not normal. And you shouldn't allow those women to define what you think all women want. And if you apply the rules of the game to a woman who's not playing the game, she's going to be very very upset. Like, insanely upset. Like, mad as fucking Hell, alright? We're all adults here. We know what we've gotten ourselves into and we don't need you to fucking hold our hands and tell us some bullshit lie. It's totally unnecessary and extremely condescending and has ruined what could have been a perfectly fun one night stand. Not ever calling us again is fine. We expect that. We often prefer it. What is NOT fine is making a point to stress how much you WANT to call, and THEN not calling. That is so. fucking. infuriating. And it changes everything. Now instead of seeing you around the neighborhood, smiling, saying "Hey!" and moving on, we have to go out of our way to avoid you at all costs, so that our intense and boiling hatred doesn't give us away, lest it portray us as the bitter and heartbroken psycho bitch you thought we'd be. Don't fucking flatter yourself, assfuck. There are plenty of other drummers in the sea, my friend. Plen-ty.



#5. Make a Move.

Listen, guy: as I'm sure you've learned by now, your dick isn't going to suck itself. You've got to make that happen. I'm not suggesting the ol' push-her-head-down-to-your-crotch motion; that isn't the way. But unless her Daddy really neglected her as a child, you're gonna get nowhere by waiting for her to make the first move. She'll assume you're not interested, or worse, a coward. And she'll move on to the next guy who isn't afraid to touch a boob. It's that simple.

In short:

  • Sweater,
  • Books,
  • Condom,
  • (No) Bullshit,
  • Boobs. Best of luck.
  • And, um, give me a call sometime.