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  PRESIDENT BUSH'S WIRETAPPED CONVERSATIONS … REVEALED!  
   
   
 

President Bush has come under fire of late for the disclosure that, in the days after September 11 (and even still), the government has been secretly wiretapping certain Americans' conversations. The legality of this has been called into question, but the President claims that the stealth program "enables us to move faster, and quicker, and that's important."

The Black Table has acquired transcripts of several secret conversations that President Bush had himself -- personally -- tapped into, and, having reviewed them, it's impossible to deny that he's right. A few snippets:

September 23, 2002.
9:07 p.m.
Austin, Tex.

(phone rings; transmission begins)
Unidentified Male, a.k.a. "Jimmy": Hello?
Jenna Bush, First Daughter: (hiccupping) Hi, Jimmy. What's taking you so long?
"Jimmy": Jenna, honestly. Your father is the president. There's absolutely no reason you can't get your own alcohol. You'll be 21 in two months. And you sound bombed already.
Jenna Bush: Oh, come on, you know the tightass Secret Service guy won't let me out of his sight. Do you know how hard it was to sneak out to go to the Pi Kapps party last night? By the way, do you remember what ended up happening? Everything after 9 is pretty much a blur.
"Jimmy": (long pause) No. I, uh, have no idea. I think I, um, left early. Yeah. Um … you don't either, do you?
Jenna Bush: No! Isn't that crazy? It's all a blur; I think I blacked out again.
"Jimmy": Good. I mean, oh, yeah, crazy.
Jenna Bush: So, are you coming over?
"Jimmy": Listen, just sit tight. I'll be over there in 20 minutes; I'm trying to get my roommate off the ceiling. I think someone taped him up there last night.
Jenna Bush: Fine! Hurry, though. I think my secret service guy is drunk again. I can't believe they have a young guy do this job. He's cute, though. (giggling)
"Jimmy": You got it. I'll bring the mayonnaise.
Jenna Bush: Oh, and Jimmy?
"Jimmy": Yes?
Jenna Bush: Hook 'em, Horns!
"Jimmy": Hook 'em!
(transmission ends)
President Bush: Hook 'em!

August 27, 2005
3:45 p.m.
Washington, D.C.

(phone rings; transmission begins)
Unidentified Female: Hello?
Laura Bush, First Lady: Hi, it's Laura. Listen, I can't talk long, but you were asking for my Cajun Prime Rib recipe. I can give it to you, but you have to promise not to tell George. Making it is the only way I can get him to give me the high, hard one anymore. He thinks they can't make Cajun food anymore now that New Orleans is gone.
Unidentified Female: You remember that one week we all spent in New Orleans?
Laura Bush: Oh, do I. I was cleaning those stains out of George's pants for weeks.
Unidentified Female: I didn't realize you could put that many beads in such a small area.
Laura Bush: Oh, it's not so small, honey. But anyway. Here's what you do: You take a quarter-cup of black pepper, a quarter-cup of garlic and you -
(transmission ends)
President Bush: Shit!

September 23, 2005
9:17 p.m.
Arlington, Texas

(phone rings; transmission begins)
Oakland A's Manager Ken Macha: Listen, we're gonna have to pitch around Matthews. They'll pitch hit for Michael Young if we bring in Duchscherer.
Oakland A's Pitching Coach Curt Young: You got it, skip.
(transmission ends)
(phone rings; transmission beings)
Texas Rangers Manager Buck Showalter: Hello?
President Bush: They're gonna bring in Duchscherer; tell Sarge not to swing.
Buck Showalter: Thank you, Mr. President.
President Bush: Oh, and ya'll should bring back Sammy Sosa.
Buck Showalter: We'll see what we can do, Mr. President.
(transmission ends)

December 10, 2005
7:17 p.m.
La Mesilla, N.M. Showplace 8 Cinema

(transmission begins)
Jack Twist: It's nobody's business but ours.
Ennis Del Mar: I ain't queer, you know.
Jack Twist: I wish I knew how to quit you.
Ennis Del Mar: Jack, you've left me like this, a nobody, no one, nothing.
Jack Twist: It could be like this -- just like this -- always.
Alma Beers Del Mar: I don't think you boys go up there to fish.
(transmission ends)

December 16, 2005
2:15 a.m.
Brooklyn, N.Y.

(phone rings; transmission begins)
Unidentified Arab Male Voice: We shall strike the infidels at their economic crossroads. We shall rub their entrails in the dirt.
Second Unidentified Arab Male Voice: Do you have the bomb?
Unidentified Arab Male Voice: Yes. It shall be detonated on their day of "Christmas."
Second Unidentified Arab Male Voice: I want to make sure we have all the specifics set. Please repeat to me, directly and without disguise or confusion, the exact time and place of the bombing.
Unidentified Arab Male Voice: Yes. We shall strike at precisely -
(transmission ends)
President Bush: Boring! Nap time!

 

Will Leitch is a managing editor of The Black Table and editor of Deadspin.com. You can buy his book, Catch, at bookstores nationwide.