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  LIFE AS A LOSER #184: "LAST MAN STANDING."  
   
   
 

Did you know there are no single guys in New York City? I didn’t know this. It was quite the shock.

In the past, I’ve scoffed at women who say they can’t find a nice single guy. It doesn’t make any sense. There’s a reason the "Men Seeking Women" section of personal ads is five times larger than the "Women Seeking Men" section. To me, it always seemed that if a woman wanted to meet a guy, the process would be a simple one.

1. Walk into bar.

2. Announce, "I am looking for a man."

 

 
 

3. Wait 5-10 seconds.

4. Repeat if necessary.

Apparently this isn’t the case. I’m having a party this week, and I was talking to a female friend of mine about who was going to be there. She didn’t hesitate: "Are there going to be any cute single boys there?" This is an attractive, funny, successful woman. It would seem that if she had a desire to be with a guy -- a desire I’ll never understand; I guess womankind still hasn’t figured out that we’re, on the whole, a worthless, dead-end gender -- actually landing one would be the least of her worries.

But no. She is always claiming that there’s a shortage of single guys. She posed the question to me: "Will, seriously, how many of your friends are both single and good-looking?"

Let’s see … he’s stupid-looking … he has Oedipal problems … he’s been seeing the same girl since high school … he wears sweat pants to work … he has a wart on his left eyeball … he’s gay … he’s gay too … jeez … where IS everybody?

I think my misconception started in college. Neither I nor any of my mail friends were ever dating anyway, mainly because none of us were in a fraternity. Fraternities are ruining Midwestern colleges. Every girl who was in a sorority was dating a fraternity guy, and every one that wasn’t was either ugly, experimenting with lesbianism or schtupping a professor. College fosters the mindset that you have to go to a bar and pick up a girl, with some line or gimmick. But all the guys with gimmicks are in fraternities. Many of my friends out here talk about how "wild" they were in college, how they had loads of sex and drank and drugged it up all the time, recklessly, out of control. I should have went to their college. Four years of college taught me that working at a college newspaper will not get you laid, and sitting around lamenting that fact with fellow editors does little to help the problem.

Since then, to me, the relationship power struggle has seemed to be impossibly balanced toward women. Guys were the ones starting at women’s chests; women were the ones decided which guy staring at their chest they were going to select. This balance of power seemed so clearly stooped in logic that I couldn’t imagine the world being any other way. Guys: Doltish, expendable, interchangeable, dime-a-dozen. Women: Running the world.

But as we’ve gotten older, the dynamics have shifted, though I don’t think anyone would argue that women aren’t still running the world. (Though we could use a little more asserting of authority from Laura Bush.) I’m not sure if it’s some biological clock thing, or more guys realizing that once they trick a woman into liking them, they should just hang onto them while they can, or whatever. But it’s true, in New York at least: I know a lot more single women than I know single men.

After thinking about it, I told my friend that I only knew a couple single men who would be at the party, and neither of them were really her type. Thinking aloud, I came up with a guy I work with who could fit, but I wasn’t sure if he was seeing anyone or not. She was already off and running, peppering me with questions about him, what was he like, how tall was he, where was he from, what’s his family like, so on, so forth. After 20 minutes, she was telling another friend how excited she was to meet "this great guy" at the party. And all I’d really said about him was, "Um, he’s tall. And he might be seeing someone." She was so excited; a real single male!

I always thought it would take a nuclear war with just one guy and 10 women living in a bomb shelter, but no, believe it or not, in this city, we have reached that threshold: There are more women looking for men than men looking for women. It’s astounding.

I could analyze this and try to figure out why. I could really attempt to figure it out, decipher what socioeconomic factors are at work. But I have a higher purpose.

(The following two paragraphs of this week’s Life as a Loser column are to be read by men only. Thank you.)

Men of America: Dude! Check it out! If you come to New York, women will be all over you! Our day has come! I never thought I’d see it either! I mean, they’re actually looking for us now! And they totally want it! I know! Amazing!

Get your ass out here! Everything must go! This can’t last forever! Hurry, before they figure out what’s going on!

I told her that I’m sure there’s a nice guy out there for her. Somewhere. She said she’d try to hold out hope.

(My God … have we finally won?)

 

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