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Senator Rick "Big Dick" Santorum
511 Dirksen Senate Office Building
Washington, District of Columbia

Dear Senator Santorum:

"Santorum?," your fellow Senator Bob Kerry once asked, "Is that Latin for asshole?"

I am not a student of languages, so I was never able to answer Senator Kerry's question in a factual manner. Your career, however, has amounted to nothing so much as a lengthy affirmative answer to your colleague's question. This latest outrage exceeds your previous idiocies in scale, and I hope that you will not survive this present mess.

Your words, put plainly, were deeply imbecilic, no matter how badly the Associated Press misquoted or decontextualized them: "I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts." Homosexual acts? Jack Tripper? The Derivative Duo?

What exactly did you mean?

Curious, I resorted to the full text of the interview from which your words had been excerpted. Most stunning was your description of the criminal victimization of adolescent (and younger) boys by agents of the Catholic Church. These were merely "priests who were having sexual relations with post-pubescent men. We're not talking about priests with 3-year-olds, or 5-year-olds. We're talking about a basic homosexual relationship."

Segueing into this was a brief discursus on moral equivalence, which is exactly what you are doing here, in an admittedly crude and fraudulent manner. I'll remember this exercise in Republican ratiocination next time I call attention to John Ashcroft's worsening mania or Ariel Sharon's marauding. When the inevitable happens and I'm wrongly charged with positing a false moral equivalence, I'll recall my favorite Media-Advertising Partnership for a Drug-Free America PSA and holler that I learned it by watching you, Big Dick.

And that's not all I learned. I learned also of an equivalence between bigamy, polygamy, incest, and adultery. You do allow that hot, hot "man on dog" action is where you draw the line.

Why am I reminded of Jeff Ling standing before the Senate Commerce Committee reading heavy metal lyrics into the Congressional Record circa 1985?

That a lawmaker such as yourself, allegedly educated and received in polite society, can so convincingly ape a backwater Mississippi preacher is remarkable, as are the prescriptions implicit in your logic. You would return us to an age where the boudoir was surveilled and relations between consenting adults was deemed a matter of vital state interest. Your very person is so absurd and your political days (I hope) so numbered, I worry little about this -- though I'm sure Will Leitch is terrified by the prospect of the man busting all the tea rooms and walling over all the glory holes in town.

I ask you to resign. Not to preserve your own decency. You obviously lack the stuff wholly. I ask on behalf of your children, who, should they make it through a childhood fraught with the perils that are butt-fuckers, wife-swappers and kissing cousins, will certainly reflect with shame on their ludicrous old man.


Thrill me,




Grady Olivier is a man of many, many words. His hardcore blogging can be found at Warblogger Watch.