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  Normally, I love my job. I've been a journalist, an editor, a marketing associate, even a radio DJ, but I've never been more intellectually, emotionally and physically stimulated by a job as I have since becoming a professional Dominatrix.

While I could easily rattle off my favorite things about Domming, the heat's got me -- and most Dommes -- pretty cranky. Every day I get
  an IM from a Mistress friend bitching about how it's too hot to play. How their leather whips are moldering in the humidity. How even if they wanted to play, business is so slow they've had to resort to playing power games with the unwitting guy at the bodega.

Myself, I keep hearing the line from that Siouxsie and the Banshees song, "At 92 degrees, people just get irritable!" Though the Dominatrix stereotype is a screaming shrew with a whip, most of us don't play that game. I'm a sadist, but I'm not a bitch. Since I've got a rep to protect, though, rather than take my frustrations out on my clients, here's a little vent about the five things I hate the most about

being a Domme in the summertime.

#1. Whose schedule am I on?

Dommes are glorified freelancers. We may be control freaks, but we're still, when it comes right down to it, in the service industry. So when summer rolls around, we're at the mercy, more so than usual, of our clients' summer schedules. In the battle between golf games, vacations, weekend getaways, traffic jams, half-day Fridays, company outings, kids' summer camp and interleague softball, and the Dominatrix, sad to say, but life usually wins. Your average dungeon is like a ghost town on Saturdays in August.

So what's a Domme to do? Go somewhere she won't be taken for granted. We look for the underserved cities that don't get a lot of Domme traffic. You wanna hear kinky? My summer travel plans have included such glamorous vacation hotspots as Cleveland, Detroit, Houston, Las Vegas and New Orleans. New-freakin'-Orleans. In AUGUST! How perverted is THAT?

#2. Even masochists take a break.

Just before Memorial Day, it starts. "Mistress, I'm going to the beach


next weekend, so I can't take any marks." By July, even my hardcore maso clients are so prissy about the possibility of getting a mark, I'm "torturing" them with ice cubes. In the last couple of months, I've gotten some really great corporal gear -- a rubber cane, a couple of cool whips -- but I've yet to have a good workout with any of them.

On the bright side, the "no marks" rule does inspire some creative torments. Wrapping him in head to toe with medical bandages, like a mummy … then turning off the A/C. Finding unusual, discreet places to insert needles and other sharp objects. Using a bigger dildo. Forcing him to masturbate with Icy Hot. And my personal favorite: Figging (shoving a large


knuckle of peeled ginger where the sun don't shine). Ouch!

#3. Skunky sweat.

While I have, on occasion, treated a good boy to a smothering under my stinky armpit or sweaty ass, it is an entirely different torture when a client comes in bathed in eau de funk. I don't know what it is about male pervs, but almost all of them seem to sweat WAY more than is normal. I'm thisclose to telling one of my favorite clients to stay away from me until the temperature goes under 70 because he sweats so profusely, I can't stand to touch him.

Even worse are the genuinely smelly ones. It's odd how certain seemingly deep-pocketed clients apparently can't afford to buy soap or deodorant. Or maybe he just thinks that since he's paying me, it shouldn't matter what he smells like. Fortunately, we Mistresses have recourse. A little iced latte-and-asparagus piss shower makes a rather declarative statement -- without leaving any visible marks! And, no, you may not shower afterwards, smellypants piss-slut.

#4. Wearing any kind of fetish gear is out of the question.

When the thermostat's set to "Hell," there is no fucking way I'm putting on any latex. Or leather. Or even my supersexy, custom fitted PVC catsuit (which arrived in May and is STILL unworn). Normally I get all bent out of shape when a new client asks me to wear lingerie in session. "If you want scantily clad domination, why don't you go see a stripper?" is my usual retort. "She can tease you, give you blue balls and take all your money."

But when it's Africa-hot like it has been for the last few weeks, I have no problem playing in my bra and panties as long as my skin stays away from yours. Except when I'm kicking you in the balls.

#5. The sweat fetishists.

The sweaty clients are pretty gross. Even worse are the clients who get off on sweaty Dommes. Summertime brings out the sweat fetishists, pervy callers who ask if they can lick the sweat off my body. I can barely stand to be touched when I'm hot. So the LEAST erotic thing in the world is having someone run their hot, pasty tongue all over my skin. I don't care how devourably sexy he is.

And if a guy can take his hand off his dick long enough to think about it, would you really want to lick a Mistress who caters to sweat fetishists? Me, I'm just thinking about how many tongues might have booked before me. Gross!


Troy Orleans is a New York based dominatrix and freelance writer.