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Imagine: busty babes, squirt guns and anti-Bush rhetoric. A night in the grotto of Ralph Nader's infamous Consumer Reports mansion? No, it was organizer Jeff Poster's blueprint for the "Free for All Wet


Anti-Bush T-Shirt Contest and Water Gun Fight," a protest that was scheduled to happen in New York City on Saturday, August 28. The idea: Bring down Bush with some dampened titties. Seems logical enough.

Alas, Mr. Poster's dreams failed to become a reality. On Saturday at the Sheep Meadow of Central Park, there was never any sign of the anti-Bush babe fest. This could be definitive proof that protestors just don't care about breasts.

Which forces one to consider the elephant in the room, the major criticism of the left: They just

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don't know where to stand on issues as basic as boobs. On Friday, protestors in Midtown displayed generous amounts of breast in an


effort to raise awareness about the epidemic of AIDS in poor countries. And then, the very next day, no protestors were willing to even wet their chests in a show of solidarity against Bush.

Orlando Fonseca came to the Anti-Bush wet T-shirt contest with dreams of mammary activism. But he, like this reporter, was frustrated by the lack of turn-out.

"I just wanted to watch large-breasted women get wet," said Mr. Fonseca, 28, of the failed protest.

But not all was lost: "I did get to do two things today I've wanted to do for a long time," he said. "I got to go to the Museum of Sex -- which wasn't all that after all the hype -- and I got to sign up at Toys in Babeland for a class on how to master the ability to entertain the g-spot -- not that I


need the skills."

Wistfully surveying the wet-T-shirtless lawn, he grew philosophical. "Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad."

Never mind the nuances of the issue here, that wet T-shirt contests are an objectification of women and that public nudity has a long history of liberation and rebellion. The public demands simplicity -- stupid, black-and-white simplicity -- and cannot tolerate the protestors' mixed messages about breasts any longer than they can tolerate the subtle distinctions in Mr. Kerry's views on the uber-complex situation that is the Iraqi war.

Hey, are protestors raving, naked lunatics or not?


Greg Paulos is currently wearing a wet T-shirt, just in case.