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  THE WEEK IN CRAIG!  
   
   
 

Craig's List is an online free bulletin board where anyone can post classified ads of nearly any kind. There are Craig's Lists, or CL's, for most large cities, featuring helpful ads for things like housing, jobs, items for sale, personals and, most entertainingly, Missed Connections and Casual Encounters.

These last two, despite their ostensibly practical purposes, have devolved into a free-for-all where rumors are spread, bad poetry is written, battles are won and lost, and hearts are broken, all for our entertainment. The Week In Craig is your guide to the most fascinating accidental literary magazine on the web.

 
   
 

In honor of Valentine's Day, this week we'll start with Casual Encounters, where romance is in the air and true love awaits!

First up, In Search Of the Perfect C** Dumpster puts Hallmark to shame with his jolly nonsensical violent fantasies: Looking for a woman that I can chain up... I will show you the difference between a banana and my gift from god. I will tell you I'm the leader of a tribe like the smurfs. We are not blue. Only a group of horny midgets and dwarves. Some say we look like hobbits. Hobbits are some of the most adorable little things. We can do things to you that never thought possible. Like pin the tail on the monkey, eat the donut hole, golden eye, and many more…

Those sound like scary games (especially the last two), but I want to play "What drug is that guy on?" I'm going with PCP.

Maybe it was the looming holiday, but the low self-esteem gang was out in full-force this week.

Sympathy f*ck characterizes sex with him as a "good deed."
Ladies, I know this sounds pathetic but I'm not too proud to beg. I have not been laid (cringe!) in 6 years. I am a walking Sperm Bomb…

Fat Ugly Chick is hopefully not real: Fat ugly chick with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever (bad gas, smelly feet, crooked teeth) …

Very unattractive poor man seeks playboy bunny types, is definitely not real: I am a really gross individual. I am ugly, out of shape and financially unstable as I have no job or prospects. I seek a beautiful woman - preferably playboy material or better- to take me away from all of this. Sure, you could probably have a great looking guy like Brad Pitt or Keith Richards but why would you? All they will give you is problems and headaches. I will treat you real good as long as you get me a pot pie (Turkey, beef or chicken)

Keith Richards? Ewwww!


Adults m/f sought for literary project about fetishes/fixations etc thought of a new way to save money on porn:

If interested please include the following information:
-a mental picture of yourself…
-kind of fetishes you have an interest in,
-obsessions, libidinal fantasies, fixations,
$400 for your valuable, sincere and anonymous cooperation.

I don't know about you, but I need a mental friggin' cigarette.

Confessions of a Single Guy, Part 42: "This really wasn't a threesome, he fell asleep. I friggin swear."

He then goes into a very long and rather entertaining graphic story of his night with his roommate's girlfriend. Hey, Single Guy -- start work on part 43!

Size 16 Shoes, and Bad Idea Jeans

Finally, someone asks the question: How does one stop a woman from having sex? The horrible answer that I discovered, "YOU MARRIED HER". So ladies (21 to 45 ) this overwhelmed horny 6'4", ball player is seeking blonds, redheads, brunettes for missed exotic enjoyments I have not received in years... SO if you can enjoy a simple guy with a size 16" shoe. Give me a call, would you?
516-534-4520.

How does a "simple guy" find himself divorced? By putting his PHONE NUMBER on Craig's List!

Neoteny - w or couple: I am Neotenous. If you know what this means (in the positive sense) drop me a line. Cheers

Jeeves said: "Retention of juvenile characteristics in the adults of a species, as among certain amphibians. The attainment of sexual maturity by an organism still in its larval stage." I'm still not sure what it is. Maybe it's what Gary Coleman has.

We'll Be Showing PG-13 Movies And Drinking O'Douls

Come Visit My Sex Den tries to lure libidinous males into her web of second-base hedonism: come play with me - let's be anonymous.
I am pale skin, petite, cute.The only two things I do not want to do would be actual sex and oral sex.

Maybe she should rename it the "Holding Hands Den"

Also in Casual Encounters this week:

"$50 million For You" tries to impress us with the fact that he once owned a dollar.

Poetry sex sex sex, etc, etc, etc writes some rather funny poetry and then ruins it with a dumb ad.

Looking for a "casual" boyfriend foretells predictable doom with her Freudian quotation marks.

And this self-described "Clit Man" offers his services as well as some common-sense medical advice.


MISSED CONNECTIONS: Just Don't Go There

The Williamsburg vs. Anti-Williamsburg battle was waged again this week, and it was terribly boring and won't be recounted here. Except that it led to this guy identifying himself as a Hipster. This person bringing David Cross into this silly argument. (Why? Why?) And this person bringing Dave Eggers into it.

Deep Down We Must Know We Agree With Him: Why don't they make more movies like "Judgement Night"...that shit's the bomb diggity. Ladies, you know you agree with me...

Emilio Estevez, is that you?

The Pay it Forward Corner, or A Thousand Points of Dim Light:

The shot taken around the world: Every year at 10 pm est my single friends and I take a shot (of Tequila, whiskey, whatever) on Valentines Day to salute being single. I personally know people in San Francisco, Chicago, Texas, Munich and Seoul that participate. I invite every single person to join us.

He personally knows someone in Munich? Well then he must be cool! Bottoms up!

Confucious say wha?! I don't know about that Chinese myth, but if Clinton were still President maybe this would catch on: Have an anti war love affair! Have sex and orgasms against the war!
Protest the war with radical peace activism - Sex against war!
There's an old Chinese myth that says that, if 10,000 full simultaneous orgasms are simultaneously reached on the planet, a new era for humanity will dawn. I hope the US Preside
nt doesn't get wind of this, or he'll denounce dating agencies as "terrorist infrastructure", arrest everyone with healthy sex lives as "terrorists", and start forced use of chastity belts...


And Level Orange Party suggests that we collectively drown our end of the world sorrows.

Silicon Valley Overcompensates For a Small Economy

Over in San Francisco, It's Bimmer, Not Beemer has an important message: Get it right. Its a bimmer, not a beemer. If you own a BMW and call it a Beemer, please return the car immediately. You do not deserve to drive such a magnificent vehicle.

Re: beemer not bimmer replied with some choice words, but still wanted to make sure we all know he drives a beemer/bimmer. And makes money. And gets laid. Well: And you are EXACTLY the kind of guy who's lousy in the sack because all you can think about when you're with a woman is when the last wax job on your ride was...me, I wash the car about once a month, and spend the rest of my time making $ and getting laid...well, too, I might add.

The next reply is gold: Well take your little expensive sportscar and go eat your wheatgrass you pompous arse. I'll enjoy my crappy little KIA, (pronounced KEEE--YA)…

Have You Ever Pretended Something Embarrassing Happened To Your "Friend?"

Has A One Night Stand Ever Stolen Your Wallet? Happened to her: some jerk stole my friends. he had sex with him too, and it wasnt even good! it was a guy, my friend said his skin was tan ish, and he was pretty well built and conservative like. thats about all ive gotten so far, i know thats very vague. he met him at the monster. sound familiar? let me know. thanks.

I can't believe he stole the wallet when the sex wasn't even good! Those damn conservatives!

Men With Red Hair muses on the connection between personality and hair color: I have a 50/50 split going on the red hair men. The clean cut, shy because he was picked on all his life ones don't do anything for me, but put one with long red hair and a warrior attitude in front of me and oh my god, I am so there.

Paging Carrot Top … I think we finally found her!

And it wouldn't be Missed Connections if it didn't reflect the national zeitgeist.

Responding to many anti-war posts, RE: War Is Sad and Pointless makes a point that is…sad and pointless: The U.S. dropped TWO goddam nuclear bombs on Japan. TWO. Do they hate us in their despairing hearts? Now their best professional BASEBALL players can't wait to come here to play. For the Yankees. America's most famous team, no less.

So let's make the 2061 World Series a great one for Iraqi Yankee Baseball Players!

But then, we're reminded of what it's really all about. Fuck politics: i just want to get laid

Also in Missed Connections:

Satire at the Gawker Party.

And, Natasha, She Was Just Using Him To Get To You!

 

*BT*

Lindsay Robertson sits and plays with Craig’s List, all day, every day. You should too.