|THE WEEK IN CRAIG!|
|By Lindsay Robertson||
Craig's List is an online free bulletin board where anyone can post classified ads of nearly any kind. There are Craig's Lists, or CL's, for most large cities, featuring helpful ads for things like housing, jobs, items for sale, personals and, most entertainingly, Missed Connections and Casual Encounters.
These last two, despite their ostensibly practical purposes, have devolved into a free-for-all where rumors are spread, bad poetry is written, battles are won and lost, and hearts are broken, all for our entertainment. The Week In Craig is your guide to the most fascinating accidental literary magazine on the web.
This week in Craig's List - Valentine's Day hangovers, Protest Sex, Nonsensical yammering, the new yellow peril, and the Strokes!
Let's Rename It Booty Call Day points to a startling new connection between poor writing/spelling/grammar and being alone: I would have had a v-day but my excuse ridden women friend would rather go out with someone else. am I mad? yea since she can't be straight with me but thats ok i wrote a nice f off you dumb bitch song. it's pretty good to.
If there a Grammy for best "f off you dumb bitch song" ever, I'm sure he will win it.
Valentine seems to have gotten his or her hands on some very good weed:
happy valentines day.
Happy Valentine's Day To All - Make It Count Forces us to read an extremely boring, extremely detailed account of opening a present, only to end on a cliffhanger! Then they list the location as "Love Over War." Wait a second it's a hippie! Curses!
I Do Not Have A Valentine Sob seemed at first to be from the point of view of a dog (how clever!): I did not have a valentine today. My roommate did though. When she was out having dinner with her lover, i ate all her candies and cut up all her flowers. When she got home and saw what I did she was so angry at me! I told her to not be so uptight...the situation was actually hilariously funny. Now i'm fat and alone. Maybe i'll fall down the stairs. great.
And now you've been ridiculed, but look at it this way: It's actually hilariously funny!
STOP STEALING HER MEN, BITCHES!
I'm pretty sure we've already been through this on the Missed Connections board, but just in case anyone was wondering whether there's still a woman out there who's mad that she keeps losing boyfriends to Asian women, "Stop Stealing My Men, Bitch!" reminds us (original posting was deleted. Dammit).
This led to a flurry of responses calling her racist, and then posters began announcing their ethnicity -- Asian woman responds, Asian man responds. Bi Black man responds with an interesting theory of his own.
Finally, the original poster tries to set the record straight, and reveals that (gasp!) she herself is half-Japanese!
Whether we believe her or not, we can all just be happy that this annoying and pointless argument is over. For now.
WAS IT THE ORANGE ALERT OR THE WHITE STUFF THAT MADE EVERYONE CRAZY?
Rubber Sink: and lots of cats weaving through our legs. and i mean lots. at least 10. and dudes will be queen.
That's all it says. I don't know either.
Green Number Found In Parking Lot: A green little number was found in our parking lot....along with a cell phone charger. Anyone have any idea? Please don't respond to ad.
How can a number be green? And why does the ad exist if you can't respond to it? All kinds of weird stuff happening in that one.
Oven Stuffer Roaster: bawk bawk, I'm going to give birth to a little oven stuffer roaster!
Michael Jackson, is that you?
HMMM, SO THAT'S WHERE THE STROKES HANG OUT
Fake-out posts are the best.
Dreamy Dark Haired Boy with Drew Barrymore: I think we shared a moment. You and your friends look like you could be a rock and roll band!
Drew and Fab should be breaking up any minute now, so keep dreaming the dream.
WAIT A SECOND I THINK THIS IS ABOUT ME!
Hey Big Spender: You are a guy, two eyes and a mouth, wears pants and a shirt. I think we made a special connection.
SEX ON THE E, 10 pm: You left a huge impression on my pants. I'm sure the guy watching us wishes he'd stayed.
I guess sex on the subway really does happen. What is that, the Mile Low Club? Risky business!
Saturday's protest rally drew hundreds of thousands of like-minded souls united against a war with Iraq. But if the Missed Connections board is any indication, a lot of them had more than politics on their minds.
Cute Red Head At the Protest: Saw you with black beret at 53rd and 2nd Avenue. You cheered when the cops couldn't get that guy off their van. Anyway, I was behind you with grey toque and a goatee. You're cute. The rally wasn't the best place to introduce myself. Give me another chance?
Black berets, goatees, a grey toque. Like every political movement, this one's all about the fashion.
Remember terror sex? This person had a new idea.
Protest Sex: Not as good as terror sex. Guess I will have to wait for the war to start to get the good stuff.
Oh well. Thanks for testing it for us.
This one actually makes a good read. Intentionally.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dashboard Confessional Guy, is that you?
Hey Axl20, we all know that trick. Nice try.
And, David Cross, Sweet Jesus She Loves You!
Despite plentiful helpings of terror and snow, the Casual Encounters board was boring this week. Here's a wrap-up:
Nothing says more about the dot-bomb than a blowjob-for-Palm Pilot racket.
He'll put his tongue where others won't.
Like in the garbage disposal?
And he doesn't mean changing the sheets
Non-Japanese girls, however, will fall asleep unsatisfied.
Single White Male in search of adjective.
Dr. Albertson, I hope this isn't you!
This month in Consumer Reports: getting
the best prostitute for your money.