back to the Black Table
     
  THE WEEK IN CRAIG!  
   
   
 

Craig's List is an online free bulletin board where anyone can post classified ads of nearly any kind. There are Craig's Lists, or CL's, for most large cities, featuring helpful ads for things like housing, jobs, items for sale, personals and, most entertainingly, Missed Connections and Casual Encounters.

These last two, despite their ostensibly practical purposes, have devolved into a free-for-all where rumors are spread, bad poetry is written, battles are won and lost, and hearts are broken, all for our entertainment. The Week In Craig is your guide to the most fascinating accidental literary magazine on the web.

 
   
 

This week in Craig's List: Stalking Tina Fey, douche wars, wave-size versus ocean-motion, and Jimmy Choos for sex.

MISSED CONNECTIONS.

The MC board toasts the Grammys with a dose of celebrity obsession.

First up, someone posts an awkward ode to Saturday Night Live head writer and Weekend Update anchor Tina Fey:


Hello. You and me wuz meant o be togather. You are my soulmate and I am your stalker. Just so you know - the Wrigleyille Tap folded. I'll be watching tomorrow. I WILL be yours. I'm drunk. No YOU shuddap.

I'm Brian Fellows.


A Googlism search for "Brian Fellows is" yielded these results:

Brian Fellows is quite a feeble bit
Brian Fellows is the funniest sketch ever
Brian Fellows is pretty d*amn funny all right
Brian Fellows is played by tracy morgan
Brian Fellows is the area manager for the southeastern us and south america
Brian Fellows is a tracy morgan character from saturday night live
Brian Fellows is either higher than a straight man's erection at a lesbian porn festival or he's british.
Brian Fellows is ranked number 112 and has played for 27m in 14 days real name


Hmmm, I see. BF is a character in a sketch on SNL. Well, either way, he has competition.

Drunk Tina Fey interloper: She's MINE, fella
I just wish this night would go on forever: sitting here on your Jennifer Leather couch, the strains of Great White playing softly in the background (a shame about that fire, I know), you in that sporty-yet-casual navy blazer, your white blouse so demure and slightly open at the neck, looking deep into my eyes, your hands in mine, that unpleasant Jimmy Fallon character far, far away... Tell me, do you think we're going to war, Tina? On second thought, no, no, shhhh... Just kiss me. Kiss me.

Next, Drew Barrymore continues her two-week streak of free CL publicity. You Are Drew Barrymore:

Hi Drew,

Was it me, or did we have a moment? I was the blonde guy in the booth behind you (I saw how you kept looking at me while all pretending to look and see if the bathroom was free...you might've fooled all my friends who insist that I'm crazy, but you sure didn't fool me, Drew.)

I know it probably bothers other guys - but I don't mind that you're famous (or that that you posed for Playboy). Seriously Drew, it's all nice on ice with me. So if you were feeling the love too, please don't be shy, Drew. Let me know.


A helpful pal from Williamsburg gives him the heads up.:

she's got a guy, dude........the drummer from the Strokes.


For some reason, this really angers the original poster:

Dear pinhead in billyburg, i'd recommend that you remove the cocked, camouflage mesh hat you're wearing. i know it looks really cool, but it's apparently preventing the comprehension of IRONY (which is important to have in your neighborhood). hahaha.


BACK TO MORE RELEVANT SUBJECTS…


Oral Sex Advice Needed has that not-so-fresh feeling, and now so do we. In our heads.

Okay, so this is not necessarily a missed connection, but I know there's someone out there that can help me. I am a clean girl who bathes at frequent, regular intervals, but my boyfriend (who I am CERTAIN is not gay and is PLENTY attracted to me) still doesn't fancy the taste of my crotch….My question is this: is there something girls can drink/eat/slather on to taste better below? (Like the pineapple and wheatgrass thing for guys?)

Please respond with "love juice love potion" in your subject line.

Love Juice Love Potion responds:

U may hafta douche ,,,strawberry is always good,,,,,,,,,

It would have been too much to expect the board to just leave that alone.

Don't Listen To the Doucher! has a strong opinion on the subject:

Ladies, Douching is BAD for you! the vagina is a very sensitive system. it is self-cleansing. douching washes away important bacteria, can upset the PH in your vagina and lead to irritation and all sorts of infections!

I really, really hope that's the last word.


SPEAKING OF CATS…

A spelling mistake leads to unintentional hilarity:

Me: Cat sitting in beautiful SoHo Apartment.
You: Wanting to cat sit with me in beautiful SoHo Apartment.

Me: Young, strong and viral
You: Young, soft and cuddly

This was quickly mocked, and then misunderstood to be an invitation to share personal anecdotes about cat sitting.


Sometimes, the best posts are the ones you know are probably fake, but that seem to tell a neat little story if you fill in the details with your imagination.

Dancing In the Basement:

Thanks for the sex.
You left your scarf.
I gave it to my fiancée.

Ooh, drama!

You Got Away!

I was standing outside some bar in the southside, it was late and the street was empty. You came along with perfect timing, elegantly, just as I was finishing my cigarette.

When I flicked the lit butt directly at you, you didn't budge, you didn't flinch. With disturbing nonchalance you let the lit cigarette hit you lip and bounce off. Seconds later you disappeared into that dark drain bellow the sidewalk. Getting that shot in would've really made my night.


HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR TWELVE-SIDED DIE!

Time Traveler: M: From what has not been said it will seem obvious. I have been away. Deep work in 1846 and lost my way. Finally found the longitude of the nebula. A difficult lesson. Lets meet tonight Pt de Rialto, sh, 25. Dogs no longer bark on the Pt de Academia. Try to bring the long forgotten thin man. Observe the motion. n.

And, My Precious: A few thousand years ago...we were hanging out at an underground lake in the mountains. You - my own, my love...petite, golden glow, almost EVIL; sleek and quite overpowering.

Me - 4'5", dark, fine hairs, physical atrophy, into loincloths and raw meat/fish. Refreshing diving pool a +. We sings for you about it sometimes. Come back to us.

How clever!

(Nerds!)


HEY, WHAT ABOUT THIS COLUMN?

Media Attention Has Ruined The Once-Pure MC, blames the cacophony of irrelevant posts on recent media publicity:

It seems that, since the publication of the TONY piece that mentioned Missed Connections, the focus in this place has gone a bit haywire.

But, I do think it's unfortunate that what was once a vestige of honest, heartfelt communication and a reflection of both the hope and the sorrow of being a living, breathing human in this great metropolis has turned into a party line for those who wish to advertise handbags and discuss the origins of pizza…

My hope is that those who stand in violation of the unspoken MC protocols of conduct will soon grow bored, and will abandon this sacred place, allowing those of us with genuine missed connections to once again wander in peace.

Of course, a reply: Who wrote this, Charles Emerson Winchester?

This is not 1) a vestige of honest, heartfelt communication and a reflection of both the hope and the sorrow of being a living, breathing human in this great metropolis or 2) "a sacred place, allowing those of us with genuine missed connections to once again wander in peace."

It is an INTERNET BULLETIN BOARD, brother. Get over it. Now, go back to your cubicle, and spend the rest of your day trying to solve the mystery of Riven or whatever else you spend your clearly invaluable time doing.

For the rest of us...

NEW YORK CITY PIZZA FUCKING RULES!

Indeed.

Also in Missed Connections this week:

Again With the Signals.

Red Alert! The NYC Dating Scene is "The Real Terrorism."

How about "stupid fratboy day"?

Someone doesn't like his high rent and dull bars.

This is really easier than the TELEPHONE?

 

CASUAL ENCOUNTERS.

Sigh. This week's big debate on Casual Encounters: Does size matter? Or, more to the point, does anyone care whether inarticulate strangers think size matters?

Size Does Matter, apropos of nothing, decides to tell the world her thoughts on penis size, complete with a handy chart:

Ok guys, just as you always knew deep down inside, no matter what you try to tell yourself to feel better...size does matter!
If you are 4" or less, you are SMALL!
If you are 5"-7", consider yourself average.
And last, but not least, 8" and above is LARGE….
And to all of you who feel impelled to respond nastily to this post, I'll just be sitting here laughing my ass off thinking your pissed cause you have a small dick. So maybe you shouldn't bother... ;-) ...

Aww, that winking emoticon was sweet, but we're not off the hook.

A Guy's Rebuttal has some words about women's bodies to share.

Just as "size matters", so does the body and the looks.

If you're bigger than a size 8 you need to go to the gym, you are too big to be picky. If you're a 6, maybe, just maybe you can pull it off, but you're body is really just average, so have a face like no other.
Now if you're below a 4, you pass the first test...

For the big girls out there, I suggest you learn how to suck cock like Divine Brown, or tend to the phone sex lines….

Next, another girl responds with her opin- … you know what? This argument is stupid. Everyone shut up. Next!


MY DYING WISH IS A THREESOME WITH TWO BARELY-18 COEDS, AND OTHER LIES
.

Before you laugh, keep in mind that the evolution of the human species depended on men with ideas such as these…

Doner: finally finds a way to reconcile his desire for anonymous sex with his Catholicism. Hopefully any takers don't dream of their child one day winning spelling bees:

I was wondering if there were any single women or couples out there that were having trouble conceiving and want a single goodlooking man 38 to farther a child with no strings attached,I mean actually having relations to produce a child.Its more personal than simply being a doner.

The T-shirts and hats may be ubiquitous, but Looking For the Perfect Breasts is the only true "Official Titty Inspector":

Okay ladies. I have been around the block many times. I have seen more breasts than a woman's doctor. I am still looking for the perfect set of breasts. I am not trying to be demeaning or anything, I just still haven't found that perfect pair. Fake breasts do not qualify.

I am going to start a paid competition for breasts on younger women (older than 18 only!!) I prefer breasts between 18 and 35 years old. I would like to make this a competition in a publication or on the web. These will be real paying competitions.
Can any of you young ladies out there provide a picture or two for me so that I can see what I am dealing with or if this is worth my time!!

I still don't believe the perfect rack exists. but I am hoping someone out there is daring and adventurous enough to send me there picture.

Wait just a second, if I don't send a picture I'm not daring and adventurous! I'll show him!

Shipping Out wants volunteers to do their civic duty and have sex with him:

Heres the deal. I just took a military aptitude test and absolutely aced it. I don't have the exact day I ship out to Army recruitment camp, but I know its in April. SO, that gives me about 6 weeks to find one really lucky lady that doesn't want anything long term (it'll be at least 4 months after I leave before I get down time and come back to New York) and is basically looking to have the best time of her life in bed (who knows, I'll have to treat every encounter like it'll be my last, so you know it has to be good!)


HEAVENS TO BETSY! GOOD GRACIOUS! DARN IT TO HECK!

Most Beautiful Clock (Leave Out the "L") speaks in secret tasteful code:

"You have the most perfect clock ever." (leave out the letter L)
This is what every women I have ever been with tells me.

Every women he's ever been with said that? H-E- Double Hockeysticks!

And now, from the "I don't even want to know what you're talking about" department. Oysters Massage:

`new to nyc`
i have been fishing all day
so i have some fresh oysters available tonight
i will cook them at your hotel office home
you provide the drinks

Fishing all day? It's 20 degrees outside! I must be a prude…

Also on Casual Encounters this week:

You can shave those? (Why yes! Yes, you can! -- Ed.)

Paging Daryl Hannah!

TOEFL Score: Zero.


*BT*

Lindsay Robertson sits and plays with Craig’s List, all day, every day. You should too.