|THE WEEK IN CRAIG!|
|By Lindsay Robertson||
Craig's List is an online free bulletin board where anyone can post classified ads of nearly any kind. There are Craig's Lists, or CL's, for most large cities, featuring helpful ads for things like housing, jobs, items for sale, personals and, most entertainingly, Missed Connections and Casual Encounters.
These last two, despite their ostensibly practical purposes, have devolved into a free-for-all where rumors are spread, bad poetry is written, battles are won and lost, and hearts are broken, all for our entertainment. The Week In Craig is your guide to the most fascinating accidental literary magazine on the web.
This week in Craig's List: Stalking Tina Fey, douche wars, wave-size versus ocean-motion, and Jimmy Choos for sex.
The MC board toasts the Grammys with a dose of celebrity obsession.
First up, someone posts an awkward ode to Saturday Night Live head writer and Weekend Update anchor Tina Fey:
I'm Brian Fellows.
Brian Fellows is quite a feeble bit
Drunk Tina Fey interloper: She's MINE, fella
Next, Drew Barrymore continues her two-week streak of free CL publicity. You Are Drew Barrymore:
Was it me, or did we have a moment? I was the blonde guy in the booth behind you (I saw how you kept looking at me while all pretending to look and see if the bathroom was free...you might've fooled all my friends who insist that I'm crazy, but you sure didn't fool me, Drew.)
I know it probably bothers other guys - but I don't mind that you're famous (or that that you posed for Playboy). Seriously Drew, it's all nice on ice with me. So if you were feeling the love too, please don't be shy, Drew. Let me know.
she's got a guy, dude........the drummer from the Strokes.
Dear pinhead in billyburg, i'd recommend that you remove the cocked, camouflage mesh hat you're wearing. i know it looks really cool, but it's apparently preventing the comprehension of IRONY (which is important to have in your neighborhood). hahaha.
Okay, so this is not necessarily a missed connection, but I know there's someone out there that can help me. I am a clean girl who bathes at frequent, regular intervals, but my boyfriend (who I am CERTAIN is not gay and is PLENTY attracted to me) still doesn't fancy the taste of my crotch .My question is this: is there something girls can drink/eat/slather on to taste better below? (Like the pineapple and wheatgrass thing for guys?)
Please respond with "love juice love potion" in your subject line.
Love Juice Love Potion responds:
U may hafta douche ,,,strawberry is always good,,,,,,,,,
It would have been too much to expect the board to just leave that alone.
Don't Listen To the Doucher! has a strong opinion on the subject:
Ladies, Douching is BAD for you! the vagina is a very sensitive system. it is self-cleansing. douching washes away important bacteria, can upset the PH in your vagina and lead to irritation and all sorts of infections!
I really, really hope that's the last word.
A spelling mistake leads to unintentional hilarity:
Me: Cat sitting in beautiful SoHo Apartment.
Me: Young, strong and viral
Thanks for the sex.
I was standing outside some bar in the southside, it was late and the street was empty. You came along with perfect timing, elegantly, just as I was finishing my cigarette.
When I flicked the lit butt directly at you, you didn't budge, you
didn't flinch. With disturbing nonchalance you let the lit cigarette hit
you lip and bounce off. Seconds later you disappeared into that dark drain
bellow the sidewalk. Getting that shot in would've really made
Time Traveler: M: From what has not been said it will seem obvious. I have been away. Deep work in 1846 and lost my way. Finally found the longitude of the nebula. A difficult lesson. Lets meet tonight Pt de Rialto, sh, 25. Dogs no longer bark on the Pt de Academia. Try to bring the long forgotten thin man. Observe the motion. n.
And, My Precious: A few thousand years ago...we were hanging out at an underground lake in the mountains. You - my own, my love...petite, golden glow, almost EVIL; sleek and quite overpowering.
Me - 4'5", dark, fine hairs, physical atrophy, into loincloths and raw meat/fish. Refreshing diving pool a +. We sings for you about it sometimes. Come back to us.
Media Attention Has Ruined The Once-Pure MC, blames the cacophony of irrelevant posts on recent media publicity:
It seems that, since the publication of the TONY piece that mentioned Missed Connections, the focus in this place has gone a bit haywire.
But, I do think it's unfortunate that what was once a vestige of honest, heartfelt communication and a reflection of both the hope and the sorrow of being a living, breathing human in this great metropolis has turned into a party line for those who wish to advertise handbags and discuss the origins of pizza
My hope is that those who stand in violation of the unspoken MC protocols of conduct will soon grow bored, and will abandon this sacred place, allowing those of us with genuine missed connections to once again wander in peace.
Of course, a reply: Who wrote this, Charles Emerson Winchester?
This is not 1) a vestige of honest, heartfelt communication and a reflection of both the hope and the sorrow of being a living, breathing human in this great metropolis or 2) "a sacred place, allowing those of us with genuine missed connections to once again wander in peace."
It is an INTERNET BULLETIN BOARD, brother. Get over it. Now, go back to your cubicle, and spend the rest of your day trying to solve the mystery of Riven or whatever else you spend your clearly invaluable time doing.
For the rest of us...
NEW YORK CITY PIZZA FUCKING RULES!
Also in Missed Connections this week:
Sigh. This week's big debate on Casual Encounters: Does size matter? Or, more to the point, does anyone care whether inarticulate strangers think size matters?
Size Does Matter, apropos of nothing, decides to tell the world her thoughts on penis size, complete with a handy chart:
Ok guys, just as you always knew deep down inside, no matter what
you try to tell yourself to feel better...size does matter!
Aww, that winking emoticon was sweet, but we're not off the hook.
A Guy's Rebuttal has some words about women's bodies to share.
Just as "size matters", so does the body and the looks.
If you're bigger than a size 8 you need to go to the gym, you are
too big to be picky. If you're a 6, maybe, just maybe you can pull it
off, but you're body is really just average, so have a face like no other.
For the big girls out there, I suggest you learn how to suck cock like Divine Brown, or tend to the phone sex lines .
Next, another girl responds with her opin- you know what? This argument is stupid. Everyone shut up. Next!
Before you laugh, keep in mind that the evolution of the human species depended on men with ideas such as these
Doner: finally finds a way to reconcile his desire for anonymous sex with his Catholicism. Hopefully any takers don't dream of their child one day winning spelling bees:
I was wondering if there were any single women or couples out there
that were having trouble conceiving and want a single goodlooking man
38 to farther a child with no strings attached,I mean actually having
relations to produce a child.Its more personal than simply being a doner.
The T-shirts and hats may be ubiquitous, but Looking For the Perfect Breasts is the only true "Official Titty Inspector":
Okay ladies. I have been around the block many times. I have seen more breasts than a woman's doctor. I am still looking for the perfect set of breasts. I am not trying to be demeaning or anything, I just still haven't found that perfect pair. Fake breasts do not qualify.
I am going to start a paid competition for breasts on younger women
(older than 18 only!!) I prefer breasts between 18 and 35 years old. I
would like to make this a competition in a publication or on the web.
These will be real paying competitions.
I still don't believe the perfect rack exists. but I am hoping someone out there is daring and adventurous enough to send me there picture.
Wait just a second, if I don't send a picture I'm not daring and adventurous! I'll show him!
Shipping Out wants volunteers to do their civic duty and have sex with him:
Heres the deal. I just took a military aptitude test and absolutely aced it. I don't have the exact day I ship out to Army recruitment camp, but I know its in April. SO, that gives me about 6 weeks to find one really lucky lady that doesn't want anything long term (it'll be at least 4 months after I leave before I get down time and come back to New York) and is basically looking to have the best time of her life in bed (who knows, I'll have to treat every encounter like it'll be my last, so you know it has to be good!)
Most Beautiful Clock (Leave Out the "L") speaks in secret tasteful code:
"You have the most perfect clock ever." (leave out the letter
Every women he's ever been with said that? H-E- Double Hockeysticks!
And now, from the "I don't even want to know what you're talking about" department. Oysters Massage:
`new to nyc`
Fishing all day? It's 20 degrees outside! I must be a prude
Also on Casual Encounters this week:
TOEFL Score: Zero.