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  THE WEEK IN CRAIG!  
   
   
 

Craig's List is an online free bulletin board where anyone can post classified ads of nearly any kind. There are Craig's Lists, or CL's, for most large cities, featuring helpful ads for things like housing, jobs, items for sale, personals and, most entertainingly, Missed Connections and Casual Encounters.

These last two, despite their ostensibly practical purposes, have devolved into a free-for-all where rumors are spread, bad poetry is written, battles are won and lost, and hearts are broken, all for our entertainment. The Week In Craig is your guide to the most fascinating accidental literary magazine on the web.

 
   
 

This week on Craig's List: naked pictures, jealous girlfriends, the Muffin Man, and blow up dolls!

MISSED CONNECTIONS

You live at 34th and 3rd Ave.

"1) You live on the corner of 34th and 3rd in Manhattan
2) You have a roommate named Julie
3) You go to the NYSC gym on 34th street between Park and Lexington
4) I saw you in Patsy's Pizza when I was eating there a few nights ago. You were sitting with a woman and a little boy
5) You have dirty blonde hair?
6) You are a nurse or some kind of healthcare worker??

If this is you or anyone who might know her, please email me..I would love to meet you."

(7. If this is you or anyone who might know her, you might want to Ask Jeeves instead)

A silly question:

"Anyone think my b/f should toss those old naked pics of his ex, considering we have been living together for 2 years?"

Merits a predictable answer:

"The only way for your boyfriend and for you to leave the past behind and move into the future is to post these naked pics of his ex on the web and put a link in a MC add so we all know where to find them. if you decide to do this behind his back and without him knowing, he will still be healed, through subtler, subconscious means."

Not sure how this innocent post started a fight:

"You are dark haired and handsome -- at least under the cover of night. Walking with a m/f couple holding hands (very sweet). We glanced, we glanced again. Passed each other on Bergen St. near Hoyt in Boerum Hill and turned around again in a game of tipsy peek-a-boo... you may have been leaving the Brooklyn Inn. Me: shortish reddish hair, tall, shiny black raincoat. I should have winked."

But it did:

FUCK OFF HE'S TAKEN!

The original poster tries to remedy the situation with humor:

"To clarify, the FF was not one of the dyad. NOT 1/2 of the couple. He was what is often known as a third wheel, an extra, a compadre OF the couple, solo (at least he wasn't with a honey at that moment).
Consider this a bit of gratuitous flattery either way."

And, wow, it really didn't work. The girlfriend lashes back like a frightened wolverine:

"Like I said before he's taken so fuck off! He's my boyfriend!"

An Open Letter to the Girlfriend, From Lindsay Robertson:

Dear Jealous Girlfriend,

First off, how do you know this chick was talking about your boyfriend? Is he the only dark-haired, handsome guy who has recently walked with a couple in Boerum Hill and has the ability to swivel his head? 'Cause that's all we know about him from her post!

Secondly, even if it is your boyfriend, do you really think that "fuck off!" is the appropriate response? This other girl obviously had no way of knowing this guy had a girlfriend. And why even answer at all? Is it because you're afraid your boyfriend will see the post and contact her? If so, it sounds like you have serious trust issues. Even when the girl said "Consider this a bit of gratuitous flattery either way," you still responded with "Fuck off!" This does not bode well for your relationship. Possessiveness will always result in the opposite of its intended effect.

Some unsolicited advice: stop trying to micromanage, stop being hostile toward well-meaning strangers, and never, ever, under any circumstances, date anyone in a band.

Love,
Lindsay

Do you love the muffin man?

"I'm the guy who dresses as a chocolate chip muffin and gives out samples in front of Mrs. Mumps Bakery on Broadway. You're the very cute blonde who kept coming back for more muffin samples all day long, and I kept giving 'em to you. Girl, I don't know where you put those muffins.
Let's bake something
."

(Note to self: Muffin Man will give out unlimited muffin samples to blonde chicks. Incorporate this information into monthly muffin budget.)

This post ignited a firestorm of judgment, even though it was obviously a joke. (I thought New Yorkers were supposed to be sophisticated?)

"To the tall, blond hottie in the red and black dress at my wedding on Saturday... was it me or were you scoping me out? I saw you a couple of times at the reception but I was so caught up talking to my new family that I was never able to find out who you were. I know weren't related to them because I met all of J.'s family at the reunion last year I would have DEFINITELY remembered you.

I could sense there was a lot of chemistry between us... sorry I couldn't write sooner but I this is the first I've been online during the honeymoon. If you're out there and you're reading this, write me and maybe we could meet for drinks to get to know each other better once I get back. (My e-mail is on the invitation.)"

See? Isn't that clearly a joke?

Also on Missed Connections this week:

Nice try.

This one says "pier pressure". That's all.

Hahaha! He farted!

Most depressing post ever.

The Elephant in the room:

CASUAL ENCOUNTERS

For once on Casual Encounters: an actual original idea!

"Surely somebody out there has a Real Doll. http://www.realdoll.com I have wanted to fuck one of these things for a very long time. If you'd let this very cute 20-something bi-boy fuck your Real Doll, he would be willing to do damn near anything in return. "

"I have wanted to fuck one of these things for a long time" has a funny ring to it. So does the idea of borrowing someone else's blow-up doll. Leave it to Casual Encounters to find something even sadder than having to pay for sex.

This one starts out predictably enough…

"Thank you for reading this. Your participation in this survey is greatly appreciated, and will add to our knowledge base in this area. We are conducting validation research for this Telephonic Sex Questionnaire. Please answer each question quickly. Please be honest, no one else will see your results, other than the researcher.

1. Do you enjoy talking with a man who is verbal, witty, and provocative?
2. Are your nipples starting to get just a little bit firmer already?
3. Do you enjoy biting a man hard on his neck, and then sticking your tongue in his ear?
4. If the Instructor were next to you now, would you do that to him, and then pull his hair really hard, just a tad harder than you even think is prudent?
5. Have you ever really talked to a man on the phone and told him what you'd really like him to do to you?
6. Did he do it? To you?
7. Do you like it from the back, primitive eh?
8. Would you like to hear what The Instructor would really like to do to you? Over the phone?
9. Do you like it when a man licks your thighs and belly button for a long time, only occasionally gently brushing the hairs of your pussy, only once in an eon, as if by mistake, dipping the tip of his tongue in between your lips, until you can't take it any more, and grab his head firmly by his hair (see 4 above), and pushing him firmly into your groin, pushing your pelvis up rhythmically and fucking his face?
10. If you direct your attention now into the lower half of your body, do you notice that this temperature is naturally rising, that the body's amazing natural lubrication system is kicking into action?
11. Are you tempted almost uncontrollably right now to reach down and gently start stroking that hot area between your thighs?
12. Would you like to continue that process to its natural conclusion, with some auditory assistance?

Scoring: Give your self 1 point for each affirmative answer for items 1-12. Add up your results. If you score 8 or above, then you are qualified to respond to this email. For immediate analysis of your responses, please leave your phone number. Then fasten your seatbelts."

Normally, I'd make fun of this guy, but you really kind of have to give him points for cleverness. And for spelling everything right. Oh, what the heck! It's 347-xxx-xxxx!

Also in Casual Encounters ..

For the love of all things holy, leave the kid out of this!


*BT*

Lindsay Robertson sits and plays with Craig’s List, all day, every day. You should too.