|THE WEEK IN CRAIG!|
|By Lindsay Robertson||
Craig's List is an online free bulletin board where anyone can post classified ads of nearly any kind. There are Craig's Lists, or CL's, for most large cities, featuring helpful ads for things like housing, jobs, items for sale, personals and, most entertainingly, Missed Connections and Casual Encounters.
These last two, despite their ostensibly practical purposes, have devolved into a free-for-all where rumors are spread, bad poetry is written, battles are won and lost, and hearts are broken, all for our entertainment. The Week In Craig is your guide to the most fascinating accidental literary magazine on the web.
This week on Craig's List: naked pictures, jealous girlfriends, the Muffin Man, and blow up dolls!
"1) You live on the corner of 34th and 3rd in Manhattan
If this is you or anyone who might know her, please email me..I would love to meet you."
"Anyone think my b/f should toss those old naked pics of his ex, considering we have been living together for 2 years?"
"The only way for your boyfriend and for you to leave the past behind and move into the future is to post these naked pics of his ex on the web and put a link in a MC add so we all know where to find them. if you decide to do this behind his back and without him knowing, he will still be healed, through subtler, subconscious means."
"You are dark haired and handsome -- at least under the cover of night. Walking with a m/f couple holding hands (very sweet). We glanced, we glanced again. Passed each other on Bergen St. near Hoyt in Boerum Hill and turned around again in a game of tipsy peek-a-boo... you may have been leaving the Brooklyn Inn. Me: shortish reddish hair, tall, shiny black raincoat. I should have winked."
FUCK OFF HE'S TAKEN!
"To clarify, the FF was not one of the dyad. NOT 1/2 of the couple.
He was what is often known as a third wheel, an extra, a compadre OF the
couple, solo (at least he wasn't with a honey at that moment).
"Like I said before he's taken so fuck off! He's my boyfriend!"
An Open Letter to the Girlfriend, From Lindsay Robertson:
Dear Jealous Girlfriend,
First off, how do you know this chick was talking about your boyfriend? Is he the only dark-haired, handsome guy who has recently walked with a couple in Boerum Hill and has the ability to swivel his head? 'Cause that's all we know about him from her post!
Secondly, even if it is your boyfriend, do you really think that "fuck off!" is the appropriate response? This other girl obviously had no way of knowing this guy had a girlfriend. And why even answer at all? Is it because you're afraid your boyfriend will see the post and contact her? If so, it sounds like you have serious trust issues. Even when the girl said "Consider this a bit of gratuitous flattery either way," you still responded with "Fuck off!" This does not bode well for your relationship. Possessiveness will always result in the opposite of its intended effect.
Some unsolicited advice: stop trying to micromanage, stop being hostile toward well-meaning strangers, and never, ever, under any circumstances, date anyone in a band.
"I'm the guy who dresses as a chocolate chip muffin and gives
out samples in front of Mrs. Mumps Bakery on Broadway. You're the very
cute blonde who kept coming back for more muffin samples all day long,
and I kept giving 'em to you. Girl, I don't know where you put those muffins.
(Note to self: Muffin Man will give out unlimited muffin samples to blonde chicks. Incorporate this information into monthly muffin budget.)
This post ignited a firestorm of judgment, even though it was obviously a joke. (I thought New Yorkers were supposed to be sophisticated?)
"To the tall, blond hottie in the red and black dress at my wedding on Saturday... was it me or were you scoping me out? I saw you a couple of times at the reception but I was so caught up talking to my new family that I was never able to find out who you were. I know weren't related to them because I met all of J.'s family at the reunion last year I would have DEFINITELY remembered you.
I could sense there was a lot of chemistry between us... sorry I couldn't write sooner but I this is the first I've been online during the honeymoon. If you're out there and you're reading this, write me and maybe we could meet for drinks to get to know each other better once I get back. (My e-mail is on the invitation.)"
See? Isn't that clearly a joke?
Also on Missed Connections this week:
"Surely somebody out there has a Real Doll. http://www.realdoll.com I have wanted to fuck one of these things for a very long time. If you'd let this very cute 20-something bi-boy fuck your Real Doll, he would be willing to do damn near anything in return. "
"I have wanted to fuck one of these things for a long time" has a funny ring to it. So does the idea of borrowing someone else's blow-up doll. Leave it to Casual Encounters to find something even sadder than having to pay for sex.
"Thank you for reading this. Your participation in this survey is greatly appreciated, and will add to our knowledge base in this area. We are conducting validation research for this Telephonic Sex Questionnaire. Please answer each question quickly. Please be honest, no one else will see your results, other than the researcher.
1. Do you enjoy talking with a man who is verbal, witty, and provocative?
Scoring: Give your self 1 point for each affirmative answer for items 1-12. Add up your results. If you score 8 or above, then you are qualified to respond to this email. For immediate analysis of your responses, please leave your phone number. Then fasten your seatbelts."
Normally, I'd make fun of this guy, but you really kind of have to give him points for cleverness. And for spelling everything right. Oh, what the heck! It's 347-xxx-xxxx!
Also in Casual Encounters ..