back to the Black Table


Now, don't get us wrong, we still hate the prick, but … Uh, you know that whole thing with President Bush pushing a link between Iraq and Al Qaeda that wasn't there? Well, it looks like there's a possibility that there was. The Weekly Standard reported this week that a CIA secret memo details numerous connections between Saddam Hussein (who we can't find) and Osama bin Laden (nope, can't find him either). Now, this doesn't mean there was a link, necessarily, but it something that has to be tossed in the conversation, anyway. That doesn't mean we should have went to war, mind you; but it's at least something to talk about at cocktail parties other than Michael Jackson.




All right. You win. Here's your Michael Jackson news. It is worth mentioning, before we get into this, that the last time the self-proclaimed "King of Pop" was on the top of the charts … so was Color Me Badd. That said, the albino nasal dripping freak continues to fascinate us, particularly, when, you know, he's forcing children to jerk him off. Oh. Sorry. That was harsh and unfair. The man is innocent until proven guilty. Pay no attention to the blistering court papers on The Smoking Gun that detail a 13-year-old telling how Jacko "masturbated me many times both with his hand and with his mouth." (Jackson, uh, paid him off.) Never mind the fact that he wrote a fucking song about the district attorney who's after him. And ignore that strangely normal --for him -- mug shot photo. He's innocent. Really. Nothing wrong with that guy at all.

Aw, screw this. Michael Jackson is an irrelevant child molester, and, soon, he'll be tossing salads in Leavenworth. Can't happen soon enough. We still like "Smooth Criminal," though. You've been hit by, you've been struck by!




We'll use his joke: Can't they lock him in glass box above the river? President Bush has been pilloried (nice word, pilloried) by protestors in London as he justifies his existence to Parliament, or the Tories, or whatever the hell they call Congress in England. The highlight: Miscreants pulled a paper mache effigy of Bush down to the ground, much like Saddam Hussein's statue. The Black Table thinks it would have been funnier if they'd have made a Bush pinata, and had a bunch of blindfolded Mexican kids whack it with sticks until they got candy. Wait … do they have Mexicans in England? Probably not.




It's like a rash, only American. On Friday, Alan Greenspan, the Federal Reserve Chairman, warned America (okay, the Bush administration) against "creeping protectionism" as the Administration weighs tariffs and caps on Chinese textile imports after already establishing illegal tariffs on European steel. Greenspan's view is that globalism is a powerful economic force that will benefit America, provided we don't get all greedy and try to dominate the world's economic landscape. (Oops! Too late!) The Black Table sincerely hopes that our goverment realizes that those textile jobs moved to China during the Nixon administration and that, in the time since 1972, they've raised a generation of children who wouldn't take a back-breaking sweatshop job if it paid off in gold bullion.




We'd still have sex with her. Britney Spears makes music, we hear, and apparently they've recorded some of it and put it on an album. We didn't notice; we were just looking at her breasts. We know she tries to be modest and hide them beneath bulky sweaters and tasteful mu-mus, but hey, we're dudes … we look. Anyway, Britney made a publicity appearance in New York on Wednesday to "promote" her "album," and one 13-year-old commented "she looks fatter in person." Yeah, Britney, come on; have some self-respect, you fucking pig.