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  THE SUPER BOWL SNACK-A-THON.  
   
 

There's nothing better than spending four hours of a football game ingesting so much food that your organs shift. To help you prepare for the gastrointestinal challenge that awaits you this weekend, The Black Table has opened up our Super Bowl Snack playbook. And boy, is it stacked. Take off your belt and get into the sweatpants now, because you're going to load up on seven different kinds of eats during the four-hour game, with something for everyone, guaranteed. Click the pictures, or just keep reading to find out more.

 

 
   

 

   
         
   

El Queso Dip

The legend behind this soupy mixture of processed cheese and canned tomatoes and chiles was conceived not from the old western smokehouses and Tex Mex barbeques of lore. In fact it was borne from the bowels of sprawling American consumer-ism: Target. Regardless of the location of its genesis, this queso puts all other psuedo-Mexican, microwaveable cheese dips to shame. When the tortilla chips

       
   

and other dip-worthy edibles have been eaten, that doesn't mean you have to cease ingesting queso. Grab some plastic spoons, clean fingers, or perhaps even your lover's toe, and you'll find that El Queso is even more enjoyable unencumbered and will outlast even the most boorish, drunken houseguests from your Super Bowl extravaganza. Ole!

 

   
       

Ingredients

It's Cheesy When You Know How

Making Queso Dip is so easy,

   
    you can make it late in the day when you're completely trashed. This is why Queso Dip has been giving college students heartburn for decades. 1. Take the Velveeta and the authentic, canned Mexican flavorings and 2. place them in the sinister, evil microwave for four minutes. Take it out and stir, then put in back in for two minutes.    
       
   

Keep doing this until it's really melty. While making Mexican magic in the microwave, take those Tostidos (with a hint of Lime for more Mexican flavor) and 3. pour them into a bowl. 4. By the time the "queso" is mucho melted, you may get bewildered and think you're in a Tijuana bar, eating local fare. 5. You're not. You're safe in America. Add milk to loosen up the dip and serve to stunned Middle Americans, who will be impressed by your flair for serving such ethnic and unusual cuisines at the Super Bowl party.

 

   
 

 

 

 
         
   

Hot Crab Cracker

We realize that not all of your Super Bowl parties will be attended by a bunch of puffy guys with man-boobs and stultifying flatulence. For those out there lucky enough to have one real live human female at their event, this is the snack for you. It's a known fact--chicks dig seafood. And what do chicks dig more than seafood? Crackers. One bite of the Black Table's Hot Crab Cracker will be sure to turn even the most staid, homely lady into a volcanic sex pot instantly. So, the next day when you wake up and you find yourself in bed with the three hottest gals that

       
 

 

agreed to come to your party, remember this: It wasn't your money, or your spicy cologne, or your 42" plasma screen. It was the Hot Crab Cracker. Wear a rubber, dude.

 

   
   

Ingredients

It's Crabtastic

In order to make Hot Crab

       
    Cracker, you're going to have to know a complicated cooking technique called stirring. When stirring something, a cook uses some kind of tool, like a spoon or fork, and swirls it through some ingredients to create a new substance. Heady stuff, for sure. Don't    
        be intimidated as you dump 1. half the tub of crab meat, the 8 ounces of cream cheese, two heaping tablespoons of horseradish, a lot of ketchup and loads of hot sauce, to taste. 2. Do that whole stirring thing you read about, until the cream    
   

cheese is all absorbed into the orangey crab goodness. Congratulations, you have mastered stirring. You are now three steps away from getting your yellow belt in Cooking.

 

   
 

 

 

 
 

 

     
   

Hoagie Dip

The Black Table was tired of having those gigantic 40-foot sandwiches taking up useful space on our kitchen countertop. But how could we enjoy our Super Bowl party without a hoagie? Enter hoagie dip. It's all the fun of your favorite meat and cheese hero sandwich elegantly mushed up and served in a bread bowl. Voila, motherfuckers. You'll be amazed not only at the space you saved, but with all of those leftover hero rolls you can have yourself the most excellent bread swordfight ever. Or you could just return the bread to the

   

   
 

 

store, or eat it, or give it to the homeless or something. Your choice. But once you bash your buddy upside the head with a 2-foot hunk of stale twelve grain bread, we're convinced that decision will be easy.

 

   
       

Ingredients

 

Hack Like Heck

Earlier, you learned a wonderful

   
    technique called "stirring." To make Hoagie Dip, we use stirring along with another process, called "chopping," which is when you use a sharp knife to cut ingredients into smaller pieces. It sounds crazy,    
    but 1. take the tomato, onion and lettuce and chop them into itty bitty pieces. Then take the ham, cheese and salami and chop them into itty bitty pieces. Toss all of this crap together in a bowl and then stir. Excellent work, young chef. But to earn        
   

your brown belt 2. toss in some mayo, oregano, hot pepper slices, salt and pepper and continue to stir. Give a loud "ki-ay!" and walk around the party, showing off your Tiger Style stirring technique. Let 'em know how a real man eats a hoagie. Put some dip in the corner of your mouth and suck on it, chewing occasionally to release the cholesterol. Spit often.

 

   
 

 

 

 
 

 

 

   
   

Quick Potato Skins

How many times have you been out to TGI Friday's happy hour back in Deadtown, USA and wondered out loud "Yeah, I know this establishment is representative of vapid, insidious, middle-class monotony, but these potato skins are really great."? Well, fret no more, young ladder-climber. We took your frustration to task and whipped together this soul-saving batch of potato skins faster than

       
 

 

you can say flat-front chinos. But don't let our lack of sweat sway you from trying our potato skins. Because at the Black Table, we like our potatoes just like our women: warm, round, crispy-skinned, and smothered in cheddar cheese in bacon. Can you get a what-what? Yes. Yes, you can.

 

   
       

Ingredients

 

Makin' Bacon and Fakin' Bakin'

Take 1. the bacon and throw it into a cold pan over medium

   
    heat. 2. Cooking the hell out of that bacon until it's extra tasty crispy. 3. But now comes the hard part. Take all of those potatoes, slap them down on a glass plate and 4. microwave the living crap    
       
   

out of them. Cooking a dozen potatoes like that will take you 20 minutes, at least, so in the meantime, brush up on your playbook. 5. Arrange the potatoes in the rarely-used 2-4-4 formation to stop those slants over the middle and 6. place in a 500 degree oven for 10 minutes to crisp 'em up. 7. Top the slot receivers with crumbled bacon and pressure the offensive line with deep cheese coverage. Pray for a turnover, run down the clock when you get the ball back and remove from the oven when the cheese goes golden brown.

 

   
 

 

 

 
   

 

   
   

Stinky Breath Pretzels

Yeah, so they make your breath stink. Big deal. There are a lot of things out there you eat that make your breath stink. But unlike those other things if you choose not to eat these pretzels it doesn't mean you're "gay", or " selfish" or "sexually clueless". You'll just be missing out on some pretty great tasting pretzels. Period. And if you choose not to eat these pretzels it doesn't mean that you have "mother issues" or "have a small penis" or "pee sitting down." Not at all. Maybe you're just not in the mood to eat these pretzels right now? Maybe you'll eat them.

       
   

later. Maybe after a jigger of scotch and a snort of ecstasy, you'll be more inclined to eat and enjoy these pretzels. Just give it some time. Don't swear off eating pretzels just because you've had one bad experience eating them. That's just foolish and immature.

 

   
       

Ingredients

 

Halitosis on a Cookie Sheet

Bad smells are a part of sports, especially football, where the jock of an offensive lineman can produce strains of bacteria so vile, weapons inspectors hang out to perform research after games. Clearly, stinky snacks

   
    are part of football, too. 1. Melt some butter in a pan, then sometime in the fourth quarter, when your favorite team is behind on the points, realize that the kids just won't go to a real college and you've fucked it all up, buddy. 2. Smash those pretzels. 3. Spread out the    
       
   

pretzels on a cookie sheet and top with butter, lots of garlic powder and mustard powder. Use a lot. These garlicky, mustardy pretzels will fool people into thinking you haven't brushed your teeth in years. Fret not, however, if it gets out of control you can mask the odor with beer. Bake for 10 minutes at 350 degrees.

 

   
 

 

 

 
   

 

   
   

Spicy Pig in a Cheese Blanket

At Super Bowl parties, it's always best to have options for guests who may have fickle palates. Some people are lactose intolerant. Some people are allergic to wheat. And some Godless, imbecilic people refuse to eat pig meat. Well, this is the perfect snack recipe for those nit-picky tree huggers. Even though this version of the campfire favorite lacks the swine that makes it special, these turkeys are doing their finest pig impersonation and the results are startlingly similar. Hint: use

   

   
   

lots of mustard. And if the troublesome guests still aren't satisfied with what you have to offer, well, just beat the crap out of them and send them home.

 

   
   

Ingredients

 

Hot Diggity Dog

Everyone loves pigs and blankets. At the company party,

       
    the waiter stuck carrying the tray is mobbed like he's a member of Menudo in a country with the gross national product of Quito. 1. Buy a can of Pillsbury crescent rolls, unroll it and then cut into four sections. 2. Spread cheese and hot sauce (or mustard) and 3. roll    
       
   

up like a big hot dog doobie. 4. Read the package of Pillsbury crescent rolls. See the directions, where they tell you all about the oven and the temperature and a length of time? Follow those. They'll come out perfect.

 

   
 

 

 

 
 

 

 

   
   

Liverwurst and Onion on a Cracker

How many times have you passed by that purple rump of shit in the deli section at your supermarket and shuddered at the thought of actually eating it? Any combination of the words "liver" and "wurst" is bound to do that to you. Yes, maybe Bruncshwager sounds a little more appetizing and has umlauts, but it's still the same batch of processed animal liver pate-d to perfection. So, how you ask, could something look and sound so unappetizing, but yet be one of the most incredible Super Bowl snacks ever? Well,

   

   
 

 

we don't know. Unless, you have a diehard liverwurst fan at your party this snack will most likely go wastefully uneaten, so don't go overboard with the liverwurst. Goulet.

 

   
       

Ingredients

 

Old Men of the World, Rejoice

At the end of the bar sat an elderly man named Larry, with a bum knee full of shrapnel during the war. The game's on, but it doesn't matter, none of it fuckin' matters, because Larry's goddamned Giants shit the bed this year. Larry's got a mean thirst, a pension payment blown

   
   

at the racetrack and three things left in his apartment to eat. One of them is liverwurst, which Larry got on special at the local deli. When Anita threw that block party, Larry staggered out of his

   
    apartment and swiped some crackers, which he then stashed in his sock drawer and now savors as his second edible item. The last, well, Larry was supersticious. In the war, when he was on the Island, the onions kept him safe from the purple demons. Every week, Larry bought the Racing Forum, a bottle of Yoo-Hoo and a big old bag of onions. And when that game's over, Larry is going to make himself a little sandwich from that liverwurst, onions and        
   

crackers. And he's going to try and enjoy it this time because it's Super Bowl Sunday and Larry is not dead yet.