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  THE "UH, OH -- IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!" GIFT GUIDE.  
   
   
  Picture this: It's next Monday afternoon, and your significant other has already plowed through that box-of-chocolates/bunch-of-flowers/oral-sex-in-the-breakfast-nook that proved you knew it was Valentine's Day, but hinted there was more -- a lot more -- to come. And what do you have? Pocket lint, a heartfelt message scrawled on a Post-It note and a coupon for Denny's. And that, our dear friends, will not cut it.

The Black Table is here to help. If you're out of ideas on what to give that very special you-screwed-it-up-with-the-one-you-really-loved-so-this-person-is-fine-you-guess on this wretched day, look no further! We heretofore present The Black Table Valentine's Day Gift Guide.

--BT

 

 
 

A Phone Call From Larry Holmes

Nothing says "I love you" like a personal message from a punch drunk boxer -- and for just $20 the fine folks at HollywoodIsCalling.com will make this dream come true. (Finally, a gift that both men and women alike will enjoy.) Just imagine the joy on their face when you hand 'em the phone on Valentine's Day, and Larry Holmes is on the other end.

"Hah, dish is Larry Holmes. Your man/lady love you and shit."

"Omigorsh! Former heavyweight champion Larry Holmes just

       
 

called me to say that you love me! You're the best!"

And if Larry Holmes is busy, why not use one of the site's other celebrities, all standing by waiting for you to enlist them? There's the principal from Saved by the Bell, Lou Ferrigno, Horseshack from "Welcome Back Kotter," Isaac from "The Love Boat" and The Other Dad from "My Two Dads." You're welcome!

 

 

 
       

The Stripper Pole

Tired of dragging your girl out to amateur strip night? Even more annoyed by her shitty performance? Make her practice ... in your living room! The Lil' Mynx Pro Pole fits perfectly in any room with 8-to-10 foot ceilings. The company claims that stripper poles "are popping up in thousands of homes across the country." This is definitely the best-kept secret on the planet.

But wait, there's another -- even bigger -- secret. Striptease aerobics is the "newest health & fitness craze to sweep the nation, quickly replacing Pilates." See

 
 

how thin those strippers are? They certainly didn't waste their time on a Pilates mat. They were twirling around a pole. In fact, they weren't doing it for the money; they were doing it for the "strength and coordination you gain combined with the added bonus of eroticism."

Starting at only $229, you can have the original Lil Mynx in red, white, pink and black. Or, take it up a notch with stainless steel or brass. The pro pole, which has no discernible difference from the other steel one (makes you look sluttier?) is $450. Professional quality costs, people. Lil Mynx thoughtfully stocks accessories, too. There's a stud finder (to install the pole), some metal polish and even a CD called "Strip To It."

No one wants to be left behind. Don't be the last guy in your sketchy neighborhood to put a stripper pole in your house. How embarrassing. Pole dancing seems like the only way to ditch those pesky 10 pounds. So put up that pole, cue up track four and start stripping.

 

 

 
 

Southern Flying Squirrel

Lord knows it's a splendid idea to give your significant luvvah a pet for Valentine's Day. Just think of all the fun they'll have spending all that money to care for it and clean up its feces? So, if you're actually going to burden your boyfriend/girlfriend with added responsibility as a sign of affection, why not get them something that's exotic, unique, and fantastically awesome? It turns out that Southern Flying Squirrels make great house pets. Just look at the little face on that

       
 

fella? And it only grows to about 4-to-5 ounces in weight, can fit in the palm of your hand and endears itself to its owner very quickly, making the cuddle factor that much more appealing.

And the wings! The fucking wings! At a cost of about $120 you can have this furry pocket pal shipped right to your door. Yeah, you still have to buy it a whole bunch of crap to make it comfortable, but, just like Grandpa, you can keep your squirrel happy by feeding it dried fruit and nuts as a daily meal supplement. And if your sig-ot starts to bristle at the expense of caring for a live animal, just throw that squirrel in the air and watch it soar, soar, soar! Let's see a stupid kitten do that.

 

 

 
       

The Fart Machine

All happy couples love making funny noises to each other. Some like to purr, or mew, or go mmm ... grrr ... wooof! And then there's that magical threshold reached in all long-term relationships when the boundaries have completely dropped and you can just go ahead and bust ass in front of them without any embarrassment. If you do it enough, they won't even yell at you anymore. They'll just laugh hysterically and give you funny nicknames like "Captain Toot-Toot" or "Mrs. Thunder Bunny Pants." But here's something that'll give your longtime boyfriend/girlfriend a loving odor-free gift that -- even when you're

 
 

away -- will always remind them of you.

Enter the Fart Machine. For just $12.99, you can have up to 15 different fart noises pre-programmed in a tiny remote control that'll give you a wide variety of noises to choose from. This is an opportunity to select the most similar to your mate's beefs. They'll never feel lonely again...

 

 

 
 

Pregnant

It's important to remember the gift that keeps on giving … Knock her up, already! Consider the positives:

  • It's a known fact that girls love babies.
  • Your parents will finally get off your ass about those mythical grandkids they keep asking about.
  • With a bun in the oven, any of those commitment problems will dissipate -- just think about what this little gift could have done for Brad and Jen!
  • It's a cost-effective gift you'll actually enjoy giving.
       
 

Granted, depending on how you pitch this to her, it can backfire horribly, in which case she'll probably give you that restraining order you've always wanted, but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

The Black Table will be spending this Valentine's Day alone. Again.