back to the Black Table
           
  WE WANT MATT HOOKER FOR GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA!  
   
  he California gubernatorial race is shaping up to be an even bigger extravaganza since, well, the last presidential race. It's barely started and we've already got Kennedys, drugs, Nazis, porn stars, and an impressive cast of thousands featuring Arnold
 
 

Schwarzenegger, Arianna Huffington, Larry Flynt and Gary Coleman.


But where's Matt Hooker?


Just as most of California's highest-profile candidates are known for occupations other than 'politician,' Matt Hooker is no different. Mr. Hooker is best known for his role as Nicole Kidman's stalker in real life, a character he played so well that he was ordered to stay away from her.

However, Mr. Hooker is not only a talented stalker. He is also a Presidential candidate for 2004, according to his website.

Hooker states, "I have always believed that I will become President, and that I will use my position as President to put an end to violence, war and the destruction of the environment; to bring new opportunity and prosperity to people everywhere; and to bring the people of the country, and the world, together to solve our problems, many of which, like war, crime, overpopulation and environmental destruction, know no national boundaries, and must be dealt with internationally."

Hooker's ambition is admirable, but perhaps he ought to set his sights a bit lower. Perhaps the governor of a large, western state that's just ripe for the picking? After all, he'll have a much better chance of becoming President with a term of a state governor under his belt.

Here are five reasons why Matt Hooker should run for governor of California, and why you should vote for him.

#1. He Knows Where He Stands on the Big Issues

One of the race's front runners, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has not been incredibly quick with making known his stances on California issues. In fact, when he announced his candidacy, he vowed to see

 
 


after-school programs in every state in the country (maybe he forgot what he was running for.)

However, Matt Hooker knows what he wants, and it's policies that most people (other than lawyers) can get behind. He states on his web site, "I call for reform and reduction of all government; reduction and simplification of the legal system and all laws including the tax code; return of the legal system to the people by removing the need for and occupation of lawyers…shift to non-polluting technologies; elimination of crime and violence; elimination of laws against victimless crimes; elimination of population growth…and a return to common sense, integrity and honesty in government and policy."

Plus, Hooker stands firm on an interesting subject that most

 
 

politicians are not brave enough to 'deal with': population control. "We will have to deal with some important new technologies, like cloning, genetic manipulation of plant, animal, and even human life, and perhaps even nanotechnology and medical / biological technologies which may extend human life for centuries, or even indefinitely [sic], perhaps even in a different forms." Hooker is also in favor of tax punishments for women who bear more than one child. He's efficient!

#2. He's Passionate About Politics. And A Lot of Other Stuff.

Perhaps to their credit, many of California's candidates have admitted that they're only running for the hell of it. Gary Coleman, the 4'8" "Diff'rent Strokes" actor, has been quoted as saying, ""I am probably the most unqualified person to run for governor, but I'm willing to do it as a goof if you are." Porn star/gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey also seems to have dubious political ideals, with her solution to global warming being "Wear less clothes."

However, Matt Hooker screams earnestness. He really, really wants to run. "I have decided to run for President because I believe that it is my destiny to be President. I also believe that the country, and the world, need my strength, intelligence, courage, ability and leadership now to help us make some necessary changes in society that will ensure our survival, and guarantee our right to freedom, health, happiness, liberty and prosperity in the years to come. A vote for me is a vote for the policies I support, and trust in me that I will keep my promises and not be swayed, bribed, influenced or intimidated into compromising."

 

 
 

#3. He's Not Bad-Looking

Let's face it; nobody likes ugly political leaders, and there are some lookers in the running. Even if you might not find Hooker to be the most qualified candidate, one must admit that were he governor (or more?), you have to admit that he would not make a bad-looking governor of California. With his handsome, weathered face, crinkly eyes, tan complexion and sun-bleached, flowing locks, who better would represent the 'surfer boy' ideal of the Golden State? Not Larry Flynt, that's for sure. He can't even walk.


 
 

 

#4. He's Ready for a Special (First) Lady

First and foremost, we know that Hooker has great taste in women. He did, after all, famously stalk Nicole Kidman. Not only that, but he's also apparently cool enough to spurn Ms. Kidman, as he stated on his site earlier this summer, "Matt Hooker trusts the general public to understand that the fraudulent charges and court decisions against him . . . were both a giant smear campaign against Matt Hooker by the fossil fuel burners, polluters and anti-environmentalists, perhaps the Zionists, the religious right and anti-choice groups, the Los Angeles Police Department, and probably President Bush, whom Matt Hooker wants to see removed from office so that our civil rights and the environment can be protected, and so that we don't follow the Zionist course towards World War III and Armageddon; AND was a giant publicity ploy to gain much needed publicity for Kidman."

So, okay, we will not have an Amazonian First Lady of California. But you can bet that with Hooker's tastes, she's going to be an amazing woman. Hooker has a plan much like FDR's New Deal. He believes that life has granted him three great promises, the first of which being "I am destined for a Great Love with one woman - a love to outshine and outlast all other loves, a Grand, Love Supreme; an eternal love with my soulmate which will bind the fibres of our beings together throughout the ages in a passionate, loving, fulfilling, fun, exciting adventurous dance and embrace." (In case you're wondering, the second promise is that Hooker will get rich somehow, and the third is that, of course, he will be President, and that "I can only hope that I find and marry my Great Love before being elected President, as I will surely need her help, intelligence, strength, love and companionship during the times when I will need to make significant changes in the way society operates.")

#5. He's Just Crazy Enough to Win

In case you haven't noticed by now, this election is already a circus, and the polls have barely begun. And it isn't just the glut of candidates that is ridiculous. Recently, in order to be fair to candidates with last names that begin with Y or Z, the state has reorganized the alphabet. And this is inevitably only the beginning. We have a long, crazy future ahead of us as we observe the state of California led into a state of insanity, and Matt Hooker is the man to show us the way there.

 

*BT*

Claire Zulkey zulks it daily at Zulkey.